Wednesday 22 October 2014

"You look like a full on Drag Queen...."

Whether or not your significant other (here-in referred to as 'SO') knows about your cross-dressing, there is added pressure on you and your relationship with them, purely because of your needs.
I'm not going to spend too long preaching about making sure your SO has all the information at hand to make an in informed decision about your future together, but with-holding the truth means not only are you hiding, but you are also unsure of how your Mrs would feel about you if you were to come clean.
I know all about it. I've been in that situation, and I can say, even after what I am about to discuss today, that it is so much easier when your SO knows, because whatever happens from that point on is founded on truth, and where you have truth, you usually have some trust. 

Anyhow, back on topic. (I may jump into many tangents today, as I hurt my knee two days ago, and co-codamol is awesome with redbull).

So last week was great. Better than great in fact. I had a whole day to get dolled up and try out my other new dress for my birthday and take some pics, talk to friends online, did a bit of e-Bay mooching adding some choice costume jewellery to the 'watch list' and 'wish list'.
I generally just had a nice day feeling de-stressed as Samantha while my better half was out for lunch with the girls from her work.
 I was talking with my oldest friend Jen (a genetic girl) for a while on Facebook messenger, amongst other chat about dresses and Halloween costumes...



I confessed I had always wanted to dress up as Snow White not Disney replica but a sexier - not slutty interpretation of it - The pictures show what I have in mind. I know, I've no shame.
After I confessed my somewhat trivial secret, Jen made her own confession, that she would love me to do her make-up some time. After the initial shock that I'd impressed a real girl with my make-up, to the point that she would be happy for me to make her face up, we started to make plans to get some nice ciders and snacks in and actually have a 'girls' night in, Me, my Mrs and Jen.
I was already psyched up, I wanted this that very night!


When my good lady got home, she came upstairs to where I am now, typing out this blog entry, on her way for her afternoon hour in bed (I tell her all the time that she is basically a cat in a woman's body, I have used the term transfeline on many an occasion). Before she lay down, I asked her,
"I've been chatting with Jen for a bit... She just told me she wants me to do her makeup LOL (Yes I said the word 'LOL' - sarcastically, I might add), would you be up for a night in some time - Get pissed, have a laugh, play on singstar maybe?"

She stared at the floor for a bit, avoiding eye contact at all costs, before finally saying


"Errrrrrrr.........

...No."
And then walking into our bedroom to grab her Z's.

Her response literally stunned me. Not wanting to start a fight on her way to get some sleep, all I could respond with was...
"You're not??"
My heart sank. Well it didn't sink so much as belly flop from the top diving board.
I'm telling you the truth, it felt like a splash in my chest.
I really didn't see it coming. I had completely expected her to be positive about the idea. She had previously said she wants to come to Pink Punters with me - quote "Yeah, sounds like a laugh", so by my best estimation, a night in with our friend should be a dead cert.
At least that's what I though.
I started to talk to Jen again to tell her to forget the idea, it suddenly dawned on me that this was probably serious. Was this a sign that she isn't coping? Had she been bottling up resentment? Anger? 
I began to convince myself I was over-reacting, that I was just being paranoid, but as it would transpire the next day, I was bang on the money. More on that in a minute....

Anyway, she had her sleep and I browsed the web for clothes and shoes etc. When she woke up we didn't speak about it again. I just joined her downstairs for a bit of telly and a brew before getting cleaned up and back into drab mode.
After I got cleaned up, everything on TV was CD/Trans related. It was weird, I swore it was an omen of some sort.
(If you're wondering what the shows were - A hoarder show on Channel 4 featured a hoarder who was a crossdresser (we had this recorded on the Tivo box), we saw the advert for Amazon's 'Transparent' twice, and we also watched the South Park episode 'The Cissy' where Cartman claims he is transgender (or as he kept saying - "Transginger") in order to use the girls bathroom, and Stan Marsh is revealed to be the chart topping singer Lorde facing discrimination at his job as a geologist - Fucking brilliant episode by the way :D - Highly recommend watching it even if you're not a South Park fan, anyone in anyway transgender will relate to it - Link below, just take 20 minutes after reading, it's worth it.)
                                                           South Park - The Cissy


Anyway, skip forward to the next day, I woke up, made a coffee and went to my computer to view some YouTube subscriptions. As I'm sat watching, I could hear my lady crying in the next room.
"Here it comes" I thought. I knew it was coming, despite trying to convince myself I was paranoid, here it is.

I will spare you the details, but after holding her for a while, she calmed and went for a cigarette.
It turns out she hadn't been coping at all. Bottling her feelings up. She had not been speaking to anyone about my dressing, not even me. I had assumed that she had not spoke about it because she had no current issues.
Her reason was that she was concerned that I did not wish to discuss it and therefore she did not want to upset me by bringing it up, she did not want me to feel bad about dressing again, like in the days before she knew about Samantha.
The weird thing was, I had not spoken about it because I know she has a tricky time coping, and did not want to upset her by bringing it up when she was managing things by herself - assumedly - doing just fine. (What's that classic saying about 'assume' again?....)
Each of us were so concerned over each-other's feelings that we had weighed heavy on our own emotions to save the other for some time. 
Boys and gurls - I've read it 100 times on forums and blogs, but some of us have to learn the hard way, keep that communication going. Even if it's trivial detail like asking her to pick a new top for you or asking for her opinion on a pair of shoes, just do it, don't keep it to yourself out of fear of upset, because it may allow her the importunity to vent any feelings she has been working through. You need to remember, that you are the expert, the number one information resource for your SO on the matter of cross-dressing, you need to remain open to her/him in order for it to work.

She continued to tell me that she had become uncomfortable with my mannerism changes when dressed; -The way I walk in heels, -The way I smoke my e-cig with a pout, -The way my wrists are limp when resting, -How I cross my legs thigh over thigh.
The thing was, if she had just asked me about it, she would have received reasonable explanations for all of her issues.
-Heels force a posture of tits up, ass out and keep those knees together. That's why my walk is different. If I were to clod around with a masculine gait in heels, I would first of all look ridiculous, but I'm also fairly confident I would snap my ankle.
-Cross-Dressing E-cig users will back me up here - depending on your drip-tip, they rob your lipstick from you. So I pout to keep the drip tip in contact with the inner part of my lip where there is no lippy.
-My wrists are always limp. It's a tell I have spoken about before. I try to hide it in drab, because I know it looks a bit wet. But I just don't care when I'm playing Samantha. I'm comfortable with it because it is one of my more effeminate traits.
-And the leg crossing, Aside from pencil dresses not allowing a 'legs akimbo' position while sat on the couch, it was also kinda cold. To quote my current favourite TV show "Winter's Coming", crossing your legs at the thigh helps you to keep warm, don't believe me? Try it!
 That, and it's actually quite comfy when you're sporting a good tuck.

All of this strengthening the case for communication to stay strong, regardless of what's going on. I don't think I need to reiterate this point, I'm just trying to make it easy for those of you who start to skim read at this point in a wall of text.

And then the suggestion of girls night was discussed.
She was angry at Jen. Firstly for asking me to do her make up, because that's my Mrs' hobby. And I have to give it to her, she's great with her slap. (Every time her mates come here to get ready for a night out, they ALL ask her to do theirs. She is very proud of her talents, she always looks stunning when we turn out for the night.) She felt insulted that our friend would ask a basic make-up noob and cross-dresser for a make-over when Jen has known her for years and never once asked for tips or advice
She was angry because Jen get's to be the cool, accepting, fun time friend who doesn't have a clue what it is to be in a relationship with and live with a cross-dresser. She gets to tell me I look great and pad my ego, giving me web links to clothes I might like, telling my she's jealous of my legs (Sorry, but LMAO :D), and that I should be going out looking that good.
She was angry. Lets put it that way.

All I could think to do to was help her put her anger into context, this wasn't Jen's fault, it was mine, ours, we were both to blame for lack of communication about all this.
I reminded her that Jen has known me since we were 5 years old (we lived on the same street growing up, we like the same music, hung out with the same people, went to the same places), and in 90% of those years, she's never seen me wearing make-up, but every time she see's my Mrs, my Mrs is wearing at least foundation, eye-liner and mascara.
So by comparison, when Jen see's my Mrs dolled up for a night out, it's not that different to how she normally looks, but when Jen see's me dolled up, by comparison to me in boy mode, It could be forgiven for someone thinking that I am in fact, a wizard or plastic surgeon.
Therefore making it seem that I am the oracle of make-up technique, despite my Mrs being ten times more skilled than me.

(I'm really sorry if that last paragraph took you a few reads to understand, this was a clear as I could be... Like I said... Co-codamol).
I also suggested that Jen doesn't understand because she'd never really heard my good lady's full opinion and feelings on my gender identity and presentation. Up until this, it had always been second hand information that I had relayed to Jen myself. I suggested that she speak to Jen, to try and tell her the deal, and get the added support she obviously needs.

Time had moved quickly, and I was heading out for the late shift at work.
I gave the Mrs a lift into town on my way to work. I told her again, she should contact Jen and talk to her, 
"... If it's upset you so much, tell her that she doesn't understand and why she doesn't understand. Then help her understand so that she can be an even better friend for both of us, the listening ear and support that you need, and the girl mate that I need for Samantha".
(For context, of the 3 girls that know about Samantha, 2 of them are Emma's friends, Jen is my oldest probably closest friend. If it were allowed, I'd have her for my best man at my wedding. She is cool as fuck like a guy mate, but she has tits! :D :D :D.
Emma's friends who know about Samantha are cool too, but I can't go to them like I can with Jen.)

When she got home she did just that. They chatted for an hour or two and cleared things up.
Jen seems to have a better grip on what my Mrs goes through with me she messaged me and shared her side of things with me. My wonderful wife-to-be has bounced back more accepting and supportive than ever.
She even had the epiphany that;
 It is not that my cross-dressing makes her upset, it is that there are a great many people in society who have a problem with gender variance and would express this with violence given the chance, this is what makes her upset because she worries about me, and how I would feel if someone even just said something hateful. Truth is, words have never hurt me, I was bullied a lot at school, so words are like stones to a Sherman Tank. What I actually fear is ending up in hospital because I am cross-dressed - Primarily the hospital I work at.
Her exact words were,
"I just wish that everyone could be like
'Yeah, trannys, they're alright'...
 and then I wouldn't be so upset.... You (referring to me, and I guess all cross-dressers) haven't got a problem, its other people that have the problem".

I swear I got a bit choked up when she said that.
She's always said she tolerated it from me, but giving her words deeper insight like that hammered it home. At that moment I felt so lucky to have found such an intelligent, open-minded, beautiful girl, especially knowing that many girlfriends and wives do not take it so well judging from things I read in my forums. (Side note, I tend to find the ones who are least accepting are usually the ones who are very heavily religious, citing 'God's Will' is being made a mockery of - or reasons to this effect). 


And I don't know exactly what changed her mind, but the 'girls' night is now back on the cards. Just need a night now where we are all off work and it is on!!!!
Best news ever - I get to make up my oldest mate like a tranny  and get drunk in heels - Can't wait! First every girly night (that isn't just me and my better half).
And no, there will be no chick-flicks. Were actually more likely to watch Reservoir Dogs, because we have excellent taste in films. So ner-ner :p

As chit chat was coming to a close for bed time, she did throw in this little doozy,
"I just wish sometimes you would tone it down a bit, sometimes I see your make-up and I despair...
You look like a full on drag queen sometimes. Does it always have to be so much?"

I tried to explain that I'm trying to learn and perfect techniques to cover beard shadow, glue down my eyebrows to draw on girly ones and contour my face to soften my jaw, pronounce my cheeks and narrow my nose. (I actually love drag style when it's done right, not too over the top, but you know - Well contoured, lots of colourful eye-shadow, big lashes and lips. The best example I can think of is Lady Portia from YouTube, as seen below - See looks fucking awesome, just lovely I think you will agree!)


I tried to explain, that it's not the same for genetic girls as it is for cross-dressers. Girls are only trying to enhance, while CDs and Queens are trying to conceal, reshape, pucker and enhance, like the afore mentioned plastic surgeon with a contouring brush instead of a scalpel and silicone. Sometimes it looks severe and a little bit draggy, but others, I think it's bang on the money. I did admit that I need to finish climbing this learning curve, but it's a curve that gets much steeper as you reach the apex, and it will be hit and miss for some time yet.

None the less, she insisted that I tone it down sometimes, have a casual day or two, I agreed to this, mainly for my own sake. Glueing eyebrows and contouring out any hint of your male face takes a lot of time, and time spent doing make-up is time spent not enjoying the result of my efforts. 
So today I am enjoying casual-look Samantha. Skinny jeans and a top, no heels, no glue, almost no contouring, almost no eye-shadow, false lashes, pink lippy....
Okay, okay, well... when I say casual, I mean as casual as I am comfortable with.
And by that I mean, still kinda, sort of dolled up, but instead of being turned up to 11, I've turned it down to like 7.5 maybe? 
Like, if I were a real girl I could just be going to Tesco for groceries and a new top, but I wouldn't be upset if someone were to take my picture for winning the one millionth customer prize. (God I'd love that, Tesco have some gorgeous dresses in winter).

So as I was comfortable with pictures,I took some selfies.
Had to be done really, I'm self admittedly a compliment whore.

Well, here's my 'casual' look, there's more on my Flickr.



So what's the point to all this?
Well you would be an idiot for not recognising the importance of open, honest and clear communication being demonstrated here today.
It seems obvious doesn't it? But the truth is, despite nearly 10 years together and nearly married, were still only just learning how to deal with my dressing as a part of our relationship. Compromises will be necessary and things will change as we go. 
She and I both know, Samantha is never going away, so we both need to do our best to integrate my feminine side into our lives in order to keep us both sane.
Each of our needs are very different in terms of this integration.
  I just need, I just am Samantha. I am also [male name with-held]. 
I am two people and I am one. 
I am two avatars of the same [slightly warped] mind.
As Sharon said in the South Park episode I kindly linked for you ,
"When someone's not allowed to express who they are inside, then we all lose".
(When I watched this for the first time, I got a lump in my throat. I promise you - South Park is so much more than obscenity and killing Kenny these days)

 And my good lady needs to integrate Samantha because denial and bottling up her concerns and worries made her sad, and neither of us want either of us to live like that. So it's all out on the table, in the open, it's never a bad topic.

Jen, once again has proven herself to mean more to me than I ever realised. 
She is a friend and ally.
She is the support and encouragement that I need, and she is the stern word and truth that I need even more.
She has known me longer than any other of my friends. And as we crash through 30 on our way to 40 and probable mid-life crisis (think I might build a Caterham 7 for mine),
her knowledge of me is beginning to show it's benefit. She's not too shy to take the piss when she's got a few bottles of Desperado in her belly though, so this knowledge, having all the embarrassing stories on me does  have it's down side.
I just wish I got to see her more.

Does any of this resonate with you? Do you have any advice to contribute?
Has this swayed your decision to tell your partner, or even not to tell?
Let me know in the comments below, and don't forget to follow me for more :)

Thanks for reading,
Love you all lots,
Samantha xx





Thursday 16 October 2014

Too many people only review a company when they aren't happy...

...I am not one of those people.

And so I am writing this as a reminder to you all that good business' exist, and I'm going to talk about one of them today.

So recently I had a birthday, yes I know, how can I possibly be 21 again?
Well, that secret is mine and mine to keep.
However, www.BananaShoes.com should be no secret to my CD/TV/TS brethren/sistren.
They sell shoes for girls in up to size 14 (UK) heels, boots, even some flats.
Now, as mentioned in a previous blog, I am somewhat dismayed by the lack of choice that Banana Shoes have when you get past size 8. This isn't their fault, the manufacturers just don't make them that big. And while I would love some fashionable heels in my size, I don't want to pay hundreds for them from custom sites online.
This lack of choice, while more limited than genetic girls choice, or even just tiny footed CDs choice, there is still a respectable variety of footwear to be had. They even carry a Nude patent heel - So difficult to come by in my size and they're seemingly a bit of a staple these days.

All I really need now are some affordable flats in my size.

So anyway - my shopping experience.
As I said, it was recently my birthday, so with a little spending money on hand, I decided to treat Samantha to some new stuff - Couple of dresses from Quiz Clothing 

( www.quizclothing.co.uk ), new wig from ebay (seller - koozuland) and some misc jewellery and underwear.
So of course, some shoes were very much in order, I hadn't bought a pair since my last birthday, so it had to happen really.
I'd had my eye on a plain black pair of Mary Jane style courts with a platform for a while, so I decided to get them from Banana Shoes (Here in shall be BS). I had planned to get them elsewhere, but BS had a discount for sharing on social media - So I went with that.
The exact shoe is the Pleaser Delight 687, as seen below.




So I ordered them in a size 10, knowing I'm a large 10/small 11, I kept my fingers crossed that they would fit, I opted to go small because I hate that thing where your foot slides around when you're walking round a corner in heels.
Anyway, they arrived on a monday and  they didn't fit.
Gutted.
Fortunately, BS included a stick on label for returns, so I emailed them and explained the situation and that I would reall like to have the larger size by the weekend (yes I know it's a tranny strereo-type that I dress like a woman on weekends).
The lady who replied was very helpful, and I'm pretty sure she knew she was dealing with a crossdresser, all the clues are there -Size 11, female name on my email and my male name on my credit card. And I'm sure she knows who are likely to buy from her. But even still, I can often detect when someone is being short or snide via text communication, and she was professional to the last.
She told me to send the return ASAP, and that she would post out the larger size as soon as she received the smaller size.
I posted the shoes the next day (tuesday) and sat waiting, itching to get my hooves into these gorgeous strappies.

Wouldn't you know, they turned up on the thursday and fit like a dream!!!

I promised the lady via email that I would make a positive write up on my blog to share my experience with all you lovely people who bother to read my ramblings.

So ladies, gents and all of you in between.
I say this with the preface that I have not been paid or in any way coerced into telling you

Banana Shoes is the place to look if you, like me are cursed with canoe foot.
Helpful customer service, an easy - speedy returns service, and the shoes are gorgeous too!

Side note, courts with a Mary Jane type strap are SOOOO much easier to walk in. I feel like I could run in these, they just stay on your foot - that thing that open courts seem to resist fully LOL.

Sorry it was a bit of a boring one with lack of opinionated rant this time, I really am just very happy.
Here are some pictures featuring my new shoes and my birthday haul goodies, there are more on my Flickr page https://www.flickr.com/photos/100207126@N08/






Thanks for reading, and don't forget to hit that follow button xxx