tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-57599627271953952542024-03-05T11:19:54.894+00:00Sometimes, Samantha WritesAnother blog on gender identity, self-discovery and rants. Lovely, lovely rants.Samantha Eccleshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02382858462312320435noreply@blogger.comBlogger30125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5759962727195395254.post-49606625087783052822021-10-19T21:53:00.003+01:002021-10-20T00:21:50.229+01:00You can have a voice, but you will only use our words (International Pronouns Day)<p> Hello everyone!<br /><br />It's been a while huh?<br />Three and a half years to be precise!<br />I'm doing a lot better these days, you could almost call it 'doing well' by comparison to the last time I wrote in here.<br /><br />I'll give you a quick catch up on the last 3 years before I get down to business;<br />-Got divorced</p><p>-Started with my Gender Identity Clinic</p><p>-Had a load of laser hair removal</p><p>-Legally changed my name</p><p>-Got HRT meds under supervision of GIC (2 years and counting)</p><p>-Got my letter that clears me for passport application and legal recognition of gender, and now on the long waiting list for vaginoplasty</p><p>-Had a massive mental breakdown and tried to off myself (obviously didn't) and subsequent hiatus from work for 14 months<br /><br />-Got a <i>lot</i> of therapy and I'm getting ready for more.<br /><br /></p><p>-Returned to work in my authentic gender role, now living as a woman full time</p><p></p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiMkAuoi6SpStmPVMEjIv_cqP3aqmjky30k5A9UbLD4tHLv2d-Dc-0Xgi4kDUVoWJ_Fq9hYAZ_WWphEUmYwV139CkNmLNTjD4W5HjNYP2Xxnev6TgHc7IFqRM-Ay7q2qrUTcThFI5rwR40w/s3216/20211002_211948.jpg" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="3216" data-original-width="1808" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiMkAuoi6SpStmPVMEjIv_cqP3aqmjky30k5A9UbLD4tHLv2d-Dc-0Xgi4kDUVoWJ_Fq9hYAZ_WWphEUmYwV139CkNmLNTjD4W5HjNYP2Xxnev6TgHc7IFqRM-Ay7q2qrUTcThFI5rwR40w/s320/20211002_211948.jpg" width="180" /></a></div><br /><i>TLDR; I'm up to my armpits in transition stuff.<br /></i><br /><br />And because I know it will get this post more attention, here is how I look when I glam it up a bit these days.<br /><br />It's been a real period of highs and lows, and I know if it wasn't for my friends and family I would not be here to write this. I feel extremely fortunate to be so cared for at the same time as suspecting this whole thing is just a mean prank on my psychological integrity.<br />But I digress...<br /><br />Today I'm writing something of a blog within a blog, for your reading pleasure. ...Yeah sure, a blog-ception...<br />As I just alluded to, I'm back in work now after a long period at home.<br />And this was a huge deal, not just for me as I'm now presenting myself authentically in work as I had been doing in all other aspects of my life, but also for the NHS hospital trust I work for, because I'm the first clinical member of staff they have had who is male to female transgender.<br />My Ward Manager, Matron, colleagues and old friends have all been <i>hugely</i> supportive, And I really feel indebted to them for the love and care they've shown me, it means so much more than they will ever know.<br />In the first few days of my phased return to work, my Matron approached me with a request from the trust's Inclusion, Equality and Diversity lead, we'll call her Tanya here (yes I still use pseudonyms) to write a blog piece for International Pronouns Day (which as I write this is tomorrow, 20/10/21) to communicate to all staff within out hospital trust about the significance and importance of pronouns from a trans-person's perspective.<br /><br />So I got to work on it immediately and began to liase with Tanya directly.<br />She was really pleased I was so keen, I explained that I used to keep <i>this</i> blog fairly frequent and I was used to blogs and creative writing, and frankly she seemed thrilled to have me on board.<br />I eventually finished at an 1800 word piece I felt proud of, so I sent it to Tanya from Inclusion, Equality and Diversity.<br />And once again, she seemed really keen, saying she loved it and would send it to our trust's communication managers...<br /><br />And this is where the problems began.<br />The following is an email chain between myself, Tanya, and the communications manager... What to call her?<br /><br /><i>Karen! </i>Yes, I think in the circumstances, that's more than appropriate!<br />...Myself, Tanya and Karen.<br />On my midweek return to the hospital, Tanya had forwarded this email from Karen to me.<p></p><p>------------------------------------------------------------------------------</p><p class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; margin: 0px;"><span style="color: #cc0000;">Hi Tanya<u></u></span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; margin: 0px;"><span style="color: #cc0000;"> <u></u><u></u></span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; margin: 0px;"><span style="color: #cc0000;">I’ve just been having a chat with the team and yes absolutely we can add something to the newsletter. We do advise, however, that blogs are limited to 750 words. If Samantha would like to send the completed document across, we can look at maybe splitting it down into a couple of instalments, if that’s easier than reducing the word count.<u></u><u></u></span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; margin: 0px;"><span style="color: #cc0000;"> <u></u><u></u></span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; margin: 0px;"><span style="color: #cc0000;">Kind regards<u></u><u></u></span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; margin: 0px;"><span style="color: #cc0000;"> <u></u><u></u></span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; margin: 0px;"><span face="Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif" style="color: #cc0000;">Karen</span><br /><span face="Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif" style="color: #222222;">---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------</span><br />Bear in mind before we continue, I had put 10 hours of my own time crafting a blog, to use my voice. There was a beginning, a middle and an end.<br />There was cadence and continuity, and a deadline of (by this point) 1 week.<br />------------------------------------------------------------------------------</p><p class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; margin: 0px;"><span style="color: #674ea7;">Hi Tanya<u></u></span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; margin: 0px 0px 12pt;"><span style="color: #674ea7;">Only got back into work today and saw this email.<br /><br />Unfortunately, I’m not going to have time to edit my work by 50 or 60%, nor will I be able to whilst still making the points I am aiming to make, I am basically certain that is will not be my voice.<br />Furthermore, I’m not overly keen on it being split over multiple releases because I don’t foresee it being read with the same cadence or tone as it would if published as one written piece. And frankly I don’t feel like anyone is going to care too much after the 20th has passed.<br /><br />Due to this I would prefer you didn’t run the piece at all than run it in multiple parts. To think of something in that word count would not be an edit, it would be a total re-write, and I don’t have the time for that this week.<br /><br />I would prefer not to speak at all than lose the spirit of what I have written.<br /><br />Apologies for any inconvenience to yourself<br />Sincerely<br />Samantha</span><br /><span style="color: #222222;">------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------</span><br /></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; margin: 0px;"><span style="color: #3d85c6;">Sam<u></u><u></u></span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; margin: 0px;"><span style="color: #3d85c6;"><u></u> <u></u></span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; margin: 0px;"><span style="color: #3d85c6;">I agree it wouldn’t be ideal over 2 parts. I’m sorry that the note RE word limit didn’t reach you until after you’d written the piece.<u></u><u></u></span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; margin: 0px;"><span style="color: #3d85c6;"><u></u> <u></u></span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; margin: 0px;"><span style="color: #3d85c6;">I don’t want to lose this piece – I’m certain it is very valuable and therefore I’m liaising with Karen about how we may be able to use this piece in its entirety over a different communication medium as I think (The trust's) news word limits are pretty strict. I will of course check with you before any decisions are made.<u></u><u></u></span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; margin: 0px;"><span style="color: #3d85c6;"><u></u> <u></u></span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; margin: 0px;"><span style="color: #3d85c6;">Hope this is OK?<u></u><u></u></span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0px;"><span style="color: #3d85c6;"><u></u> </span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; margin: 0px 0px 12pt;"><span style="color: #3d85c6;"><span class="im"></span>Tanya</span><br /><span style="color: #222222;">-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------</span><br /><span style="color: #674ea7;">Thank you for understanding Tanya</span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; margin: 0px;"><span style="color: #674ea7;">I got quite upset about this whole thing yesterday, because a 750 word limit feels quite arbitrary in the context of something so important, more-so due to it’s alignment with the alteration of my presentation at work.<u></u><u></u></span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; margin: 0px 0px 12pt;"><span style="color: #674ea7;">This coming on the back of Pride month 2020 when the trust flew the Pride flag upside down for the duration of the month.<br />Honestly, I began to question whether the request for a trans voice was sincere, or just to tick a box to advertise the trust’s inclusion and progressivity.<br />I’m sure you can see my perspective.<br /><br />Thank you for flattering me in not wanting to lose my work, it means a lot <span face=""Segoe UI Emoji", sans-serif"><img alt="😊" aria-label="😊" class="an1" data-emoji="😊" loading="lazy" src="https://fonts.gstatic.com/s/e/notoemoji/13.1.1/1f60a/72.png" style="height: 1.2em; vertical-align: middle; width: 1.2em;" /></span><br /><br />Sincerely<br /><br />Samantha</span><br /><span style="color: #222222;">--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------</span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; margin: 0px 0px 12pt;"><span style="color: #3d85c6;">Samantha,</span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; margin: 0px;"><span style="color: #3d85c6;"><u></u> <u></u></span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; margin: 0px;"><span style="color: #3d85c6;">I can assure you that the reason I approached (Matron) about this was because I want to start amplifying diverse voices in the Trust – this is something that is going to be written into the new EDI Strategy. One of the ways we will be doing this is by creating strong staff diversity networks, including an LGBTQIA+ network. In my last role I was EDI manager but also started and Chaired the LGBTQIA+ network for 3 years. I am a lesbian and although I am a cis woman, I do count myself as an active ally to the trans community. You have my full support and I hope that (The trust) can become more actively inclusive going forwards. Although I wasn’t in post in 2020, I’m sorry that the pride flag was flown upside down. I hope to purchase the progress pride flag for next year and can assure you that it will be the right way up!<u></u><u></u></span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; margin: 0px;"><span style="color: #3d85c6;"><u></u> <u></u></span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; margin: 0px;"><span style="color: #3d85c6;">I think the limit is for all articles and must be for reasons that are beyond my expertise (not being a Comms specialist) but I appreciate that your article wouldn’t work split up, as it is. I am still waiting to hear from Karen – I will nudge her today to see what has been discussed.<br /><br />Tanya</span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; margin: 0px;">---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------</p><p class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; margin: 0px 0px 12pt;"><span style="color: #3d85c6;">Hi Sam,<u></u><u></u></span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; margin: 0px 0px 12pt;"><span style="color: #3d85c6;">Please take a look at the attached and below and let me know by 2pm today if you want it to be published this way tomorrow. <u></u><u></u></span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; margin: 0px 0px 12pt;"><span style="color: #3d85c6;">I hope this is ok? It would be fantastic for staff in our Trust to hear about pronouns from someone with the lived experience of the importance of them – I hope we can do this together. Let me know.</span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; margin: 0px 0px 12pt;"><span style="color: #3d85c6;">Best wishes</span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; margin: 0px 0px 12pt;"><span style="color: #3d85c6;">Tanya</span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; margin: 0px 0px 12pt;"><span style="color: #3d85c6;">---------------------------------------</span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; margin: 0px;"><span style="color: #cc0000;">Hi Tanya<u></u></span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; margin: 0px;"><span style="color: #cc0000;"> <u></u><u></u></span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; margin: 0px;"><span style="color: #cc0000;">Based on feedback from the team we have made a couple of slight amendments (just removing “for me sins” and both comments about “bigots”).<u></u><u></u></span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; margin: 0px;"><span style="color: #cc0000;"> <u></u><u></u></span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; margin: 0px;"><span style="color: #cc0000;">We can add the blog in its entirety in Wednesday’s newsletter but because of the length, would you mind drafting a short piece about Pronouns Day and then we can add a link to the blog?<u></u><u></u></span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; margin: 0px;"><span style="color: #cc0000;"> <u></u><u></u></span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; margin: 0px;"><span style="color: #cc0000;">If you and Samantha are both happy with the minor changes and when you’ve drafted the item for the newsletter, we will just need to get (Trust manager) to approve it for inclusion in the newsletter.<u></u><u></u></span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; margin: 0px;"><span style="color: #cc0000;"> <u></u><u></u></span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; margin: 0px;"><span style="color: #cc0000;">Kind regards<u></u><u></u></span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; margin: 0px;"><span style="color: #cc0000;"> <u></u><u></u></span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; margin: 0px;"><span style="color: #cc0000;">Karen</span><br />-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------<br /><span style="font-family: georgia;">(Don't worry all of this will become clear shortly - I'm including the full blog piece that I wrote for my hospital trust after we've discussed this whole ordeal a bit. Just bear in mind </span><i style="font-family: georgia;">"Both comments about bigots".</i></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; margin: 0px;"><span style="font-family: georgia;">-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------<br /></span><span style="color: #674ea7;"><span face="Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif">Hi Tanya</span><br style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;" /><br style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;" /><span face="Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif">I’ll be honest, I’m not happy about the bigotry parts being removed.</span><br style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;" /><span face="Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif">That was kind of the prompt for people to take a look at themselves, and it tied up the ending with a call back.</span><br style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;" /><span face="Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif">Again, this feels very “You can do it your own way, if it’s done just how we say”, and I cant sign off on it because my voice has been taken away.</span><br style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;" /><br style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;" /><span face="Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif">If the trust wants a trans voice, they can have it, but they can’t censor my frustration and rage at the hate we receive, because?</span><br style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;" /><span face="Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif">They don’t want to offend bigots?</span><br style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;" /><span face="Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif">I definitely can’t sign off on that.</span><br style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;" /><br style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;" /><span face="Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif">Please withdraw the piece.</span><br style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;" /><span face="Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif">I know it isn’t your fault, and I thank you for your encouragement and support.</span><br style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;" /><span face="Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif">Glad to have you as an ally and the support goes both ways.</span><br style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;" /><br style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;" /><span face="Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif">Sincerely</span><br style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;" /><span face="Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif">Samantha</span></span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; margin: 0px;"><span face="Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif">-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------</span><br /><br /><span style="font-family: georgia;">And that, dear friends is where it stands as I left work today.</span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; margin: 0px;"><span style="font-family: georgia; font-size: small;">I've spent the day furious at Karen. She has wasted my time and effort and has provided zero rationale for her decisions.<br /></span>As you will see in the blog-ception piece below, the edits described that her and her team made to my work, not only make the ending appear from nowhere like a film that ran out of money, but they completely destroy the whole thread of the work. <br />They make my words <i>completely</i> benign.<br />When you ask a trans person for <i>their</i> voice, you are asking for the lived experience and view point of what it is to be trans. This includes the parts you would rather weren't true, like verbal abuse from strangers in the street, being pointed and laughed at... hell, getting spat at (yeah - that happened to me).<br />You ask this person to use their voice, they're going to give you the realest version they know how to.<br /><br />Why ask me to use my voice if it's going to be censored and redacted?<br />Why even have a policy on protection and inclusion of trans staff if entire teams are more worried about offending hateful bigots by calling them hateful bigots.<br /><br /></p><div class="WI9k4c" style="background-color: white; color: #202124; display: table; font-family: arial, sans-serif; word-break: break-word;"><div class="jY7QFf" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0px; min-height: 36px;"><div class="c8d6zd ya2TWb DgZBFd" style="font-family: "Google Sans", arial, sans-serif; font-size: 28px; line-height: 36px; margin-top: -6px; vertical-align: top;"><span data-dobid="hdw">bigot</span></div></div><div class="S23sjd" style="padding-top: 8px;"><span class="LTKOO" style="font-size: 14px; line-height: 22px;">/ˈbɪɡət/</span></div><div aria-hidden="true" class="K6GhFd" data-is-bilingual="false" jsaction="BtuVOb:V46pce" jscontroller="jhGntf" style="max-height: 0px; opacity: 0; pointer-events: none; transition: max-height 0.3s ease 0s, opacity 0.3s ease 0s;"><div class="b8aKlc" style="padding: 8px 0px 6px;"><a href="https://www.google.com/search?newwindow=1&rlz=1C1GCEA_enGB885GB885&q=how+to+pronounce+bigot&stick=H4sIAAAAAAAAAOMIfcRozi3w8sc9YSm9SWtOXmPU4OINKMrPK81LzkwsyczPExLkYglJLcoV4pRi52JNykzPL7FiUWJKzeNZxCqWkV-uUJKvUADUkA_UkaoAlgcAGbAnr1UAAAA&pron_lang=en&pron_country=gb&sa=X&ved=2ahUKEwj1g5bJo9fzAhUIZcAKHTIEDlsQ3eEDegQIBRAH" style="-webkit-tap-highlight-color: rgba(0, 0, 0, 0.1); color: #1a0dab; outline: 0px; text-decoration-line: none;" tabindex="-1"><div class="S5TwIf" style="border-radius: 6px; box-shadow: rgb(218, 220, 224) 0px 0px 0px 1px inset; display: inline-block; overflow: hidden; padding-right: 12px; vertical-align: top;"><g-img class="FamOtd" style="display: inline-block; height: 32px; vertical-align: middle;"><img alt="" class="rISBZc zr758c M4dUYb" data-atf="1" data-frt="0" height="32" id="dimg_22" src="data:image/svg+xml;base64,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" style="border: 0px; display: block; position: relative;" width="32" /></g-img><span class="fe69if" style="margin-left: 10px; vertical-align: middle;">Learn to pronounce</span></div></a></div></div></div><div class="ABgcGb vmod" jsname="p0q1Sd" style="background-color: white; color: #202124; font-family: arial, sans-serif;"></div><div class="vmod" style="background-color: white; color: #202124; font-family: arial, sans-serif;"><div class="vmod" data-topic="" jsname="r5Nvmf"><div class="lW8rQd" style="display: flex;"><div class="pgRvse YrbPuc vdBwhd" style="color: #70757a; font-size: 14px; line-height: 22px; min-height: 20px; padding-top: 4px;"><i>noun</i></div><div aria-hidden="true" class="xpdxpnd" data-mh="-1" jsname="jUIvqc" style="max-height: 0px; overflow: hidden; transition: max-height 0.3s ease 0s;"><span class="kqEaA" style="color: #70757a; font-size: 14px; line-height: 22px;"></span><span class="kqEaA z8gr9e" style="color: #3c4043; font-size: 14px; line-height: 22px;"><b></b></span><span class="kqEaA" style="color: #70757a; font-size: 14px; line-height: 22px;"></span><span class="kqEaA z8gr9e" style="color: #3c4043; font-size: 14px; line-height: 22px;"><b></b></span></div></div><ol class="eQJLDd" style="display: flex; flex-direction: column; margin: 0px; padding: 0px 0px 0px 20px;"><li jsname="gskXhf" style="list-style: none; margin: 0px; padding: 0px;"><div class="vmod"><div class="thODed" style="padding-top: 8px;"><div class="LTKOO sY7ric" data-topic="" jsname="cJAsRb" style="font-size: 14px; line-height: 16px;"><div style="margin-left: 20px;"><div class="LTKOO sY7ric" style="line-height: 16px; margin-left: -20px;"><div data-dobid="dfn" style="display: inline;">a person who is obstinately or unreasonably attached to a belief, opinion, or faction, especially one who is prejudiced against or antagonistic towards a person or people on the basis of their membership of a particular group.<br /><br /></div></div></div></div></div></div></li></ol></div></div><p class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; margin: 0px;">Last time I checked, transphobia was bigotry. (Or did I miss a meeting where we agreed that transphobia is okay now?)</p><p class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; margin: 0px;">So why would a progressive organisation seek to censor someone under a protected characteristic, calling out the hate they have experienced simply for living as they see fit?<br /><br />I'm not going to suggest that <i>Karen might be a bigot</i>.<br />And that she redacted "<i>the comments about bigots</i>" because <i>she had her own transphobia prodded and didn't like being called a bigot.</i><br />I just don't have that kind of information, and therefore <i>I could never infer that I accidentally pissed off a transphobe without trying.</i><br /><br />But it makes you think...</p><p class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; margin: 0px;"><br /><br />Anyway.<br />As promised, ladies, gents, boys, girls, enbys, queers, queens and kings.<br /><br />Tomorrow, the 20th of October is International Pronouns Day, and to mark this occasion, I have written a nice bit of bloggage about Pronouns.<br />My hospital trust will never use it, but that doesn't mean it wont get read.<br /><br />Well done for sticking with me this far.<br />My love to you all for reading xx<br />--------------------------------------------------------------<br /><br /></p><p style="break-before: page; margin-bottom: 0in; margin-right: 0.39in; page-break-before: always;">
<span style="color: #674ea7; font-family: Georgia, serif;">Hello all.</span></p><p style="margin-bottom: 0in; margin-right: 0.39in;"><span style="color: #674ea7;"><span style="font-family: Georgia, serif;"><br />
</span><span style="font-family: Georgia, serif;"><i><u>My
name is Samantha Eccles, My pronouns are she & her.</u></i></span><span style="font-family: Georgia, serif;">
But more on that in a minute.<br />
I’ve been working at </span><span style="font-family: Georgia, serif;">the
hospital </span><span style="font-family: Georgia, serif;">as
a Staff Nurse since 2008 (...for me sins).</span></span></p><p style="margin-bottom: 0in; margin-right: 0.39in;"><span style="color: #674ea7; font-family: Georgia, serif;">I
recently returned to work in SDEC after a long absence, and I did so
presenting as what us trans-folk call our “Authentic Self” for
the first time. That is to say, I am Transgender.<br />
For me, as a
Transgender Woman (Trans-woman) this meant altering my appearance and
outward presentation from a typically masculine appearance to a more
feminine one.<br />
And so far (*touches wood*) it has been a positive
move for me. I’m still in the very early days of my transition in
terms of my overall goals, and I’m still a little rough around the
edges, but I’m getting there and I’m feeling better in myself
than I ever have.</span></p><p style="margin-bottom: 0in; margin-right: 0.39in;"><span style="color: #674ea7;"><span style="font-family: Georgia, serif;"><i>Why
am I sharing this?<br />
</i></span><span style="font-family: Georgia, serif;">Because
Wednesday the 20</span><sup><span style="font-family: Georgia, serif;">th</span></sup><span style="font-family: Georgia, serif;"> of
October is National Pronouns Day, and I’d like to tell you about
why that matters, not just to me, but for literally everyone. Both in
the workplace and in the world outside the hospital doors.</span></span></p><p style="margin-bottom: 0in; margin-right: 0.39in;"><span style="color: #674ea7;"><br />
</span></p><p style="margin-bottom: 0in; margin-right: 0.39in;"><span style="color: #674ea7;"><span style="font-family: Georgia, serif;"><i>You
thought pronouns are just a fad, the things that teenagers put in
their Instagram Bio?<br />
</i></span><span style="font-family: Georgia, serif;">Well,
yes. They are! But also, it’s a lot more than that.</span></span></p><p style="margin-bottom: 0in; margin-right: 0.39in;"><span style="color: #674ea7;"> <span style="font-family: Georgia, serif;">We
all use pronouns for many things every single day.</span></span></p><p style="margin-bottom: 0in; margin-right: 0.39in;"><span style="color: #674ea7;"><span style="font-family: Georgia, serif;">And
rightly, or wrongly (that’s a whole other discussion) we ascribe
gender significance to these words. Like “He did this”, “She’s
been there”… Everyone is familiar with these. You know which
pronouns to use because of people’s genders. And this is the
message we are fed from a very early age, ‘he/him’ for boys,
‘she/her’ for girls, and that’s all you need to know,
right?<br />
</span><span style="font-family: Georgia, serif;"><i>Well,
Kinda… For the most part… But no…<br />
</i></span><span style="font-family: Georgia, serif;">I
used to get this wrong myself, in a past life, back when I was still
trying to convince myself that I was a cisgender man (</span><span style="font-family: Georgia, serif;"><i>To
be cisgender is to have the absence of gender dysphoria, the state of
congruence between the body and the gender role a person feels
comfortable in. Gender Dysphoria is what Transgender people suffer
with, a distress or discontent with one’s gender – this can be at
a psychological, social, physical or sexual level. Or a combination
of any, or all of these components</i></span><span style="font-family: Georgia, serif;">).<br />
It
wasn’t my fault, it’s just how I was raised, the town I grew up
in, the people around me. There was no way I could have known how to
get it right. Confusion and/or ignorance to this subject is common.
Because it is new language and concepts born of the very latest
understandings of gender. Younger generations are much more attuned
</span><span style="font-family: Georgia, serif;">to
this,</span><span style="font-family: Georgia, serif;">
being raised in the age of information, by way of the
internet.<br />
Gender is a massive subject,</span><span style="font-family: Georgia, serif;"><i>
massive…</i></span><span style="font-family: Georgia, serif;">
Too big to even scratch the surface here. And that’s </span><span style="font-family: Georgia, serif;"><i>without</i></span><span style="font-family: Georgia, serif;">
going into the realm of gender non-conforming identities (Transgender
and Non-Binary people).<br />
<br />
But I am going to try to give you
a comprehensive crash course in first impressions and self
introductions that are inclusive of transgender and gender
non-conforming people, that if used effectively and appropriately can
help the LGBTQ+ community reach wider acceptance throughout society.<br />
</span><br />
</span></p><p style="margin-bottom: 0in; margin-right: 0.39in;"><span style="color: #674ea7;"><span style="font-family: Georgia, serif;"><i>(I’m
sorry for all these big words, I promise, I’m going to do my best
to explain them all as I go, so bear with me).</i></span><span style="font-family: Georgia, serif;"><br />
<br />
For
Trans and Non-Binary (NB) people, their natal bodies are at odds with
the gender they feel best suited to, and this means it’s very easy
for their bodies to betray their hearts, their minds </span><span style="font-family: Georgia, serif;"><i>and
their pronoun</i></span><span style="font-family: Georgia, serif;">s.
Using correct pronouns is especially important for us, because unlike
cis-people, we have often had to fight for our gender
identities.<br />
Whether intentional or accidental, we are often
misgendered, and this can trigger our gender dysphoria, which in turn
usually brings on the ‘less pleasant’ aspects of ill mental
health.<br />
To use myself as an example of what I’m getting at;<br />
I</span><span style="font-family: Georgia, serif;"><i>
am a woman who is 200cm (6’6”) tall with a fairly deep voice (if
my constant effort to raise my pitch lapses). If you look closer you
will see my hands and feet are bigger than most women’s and that my
face is somewhat angular with a prominent nose, brow and chin. And if
you look really close you might even catch some stubble on the lower
half of my face and neck.</i></span><span style="font-family: Georgia, serif;"><br />
So,
does this observation give people freedom to talk about me or to me
using masculine pronouns (He/Him instead of She/her)? <br />
I mean,
the first four words in the example were “I am a woman”. <br />
And
yet 4 years of personal real-world experience tells me that a whole
lot of people absolutely do not understand this, or they refuse to
listen and dig deeper into their hate and prejudice. <br />
Fortunately,
most of this confusion is passive ignorance and is effectively
harmless, but sadly the rest of it is unchecked trans-phobia.</span></span></p><p style="margin-bottom: 0in; margin-right: 0.39in;"><span style="color: #674ea7;"><span style="font-family: Georgia, serif;">Using
the incorrect pronouns for trans and Non-Binary (NB) people </span><span style="font-family: Georgia, serif;"><i>can</i></span><span style="font-family: Georgia, serif;"> be
accidental. Honestly, it’s understandable, not least if people
knew and spent a lot of time with the trans person in their
‘First-Draft Gender’ prior to their transition. Big changes
require big adjustment, and most trans people know and respect this.
We don’t like telling people they have misgendered us, because it
causes us to acknowledge a misgendering.<br />
If you’ve ever been
misgendered yourself, you will know that awkward feeling when someone
refers to you in the wrong pronouns. </span><span style="font-family: Georgia, serif;"><i>(Side
note, my mind has just been on a tangent in “Wallace & Gromitt
– The Wrong Pronouns” where Wallace invents a robotic pair of
legs that wear heels and a skirt with hilarious results…)</i></span></span></p><p style="margin-bottom: 0in; margin-right: 0.39in;"><span style="color: #674ea7; font-family: Georgia, serif;">Mistakes
are easy to spot, because people will apologise for a mistake.</span></p><p style="margin-bottom: 0in; margin-right: 0.39in;"><span style="color: #674ea7;"><span style="font-family: Georgia, serif;">But
the intentional or ignorant misuse of pronouns is a practice that I
would rejoice in seeing an end to.<br />
Intentional misgendering is
trans-phobia, it is hate. Ignorant misgendering </span><span style="font-family: Georgia, serif;"><i>can</i></span><span style="font-family: Georgia, serif;"> be
trans-phobic but can also be benign ignorance, and completely absent
of hate.<br />
I love ignorance because it’s very easy to remedy.
Transphobia, however, is much the same as homophobia, xenophobia,
sexism, racism, classism, ablism… There is no simple fix. They are
all morally </span><span style="font-family: Georgia, serif;">flawed</span><span style="font-family: Georgia, serif;">,
bigoted conditions, and they all need mass societal change and
evolution to be able to move past them.<br />
Ignorance just needs
information to fix it. I know that many of you are just politely
ignorant, no hate, just uninformed. And that’s why I’m writing
all of this, to help as many of you as I can. <br />
</span><span style="font-family: Georgia, serif;"><b>But
I couldn’t fix a bigot with a blog post.</b></span></span></p><p style="margin-bottom: 0in; margin-right: 0.39in;"><span style="color: #674ea7;"> </span></p><p style="margin-bottom: 0in; margin-right: 0.39in;"><span style="color: #674ea7; font-family: Georgia, serif;">For
the most part, people gender me correctly these days, which is a huge
improvement to my self-esteem and self-worth. Part of this is to do
with the hard work I put in with my appearance, mannerisms, speech…
And all praise to whoever invented HRT! Also, people have gotten to
know me a little bit in the context of my new gender identity.</span></p><p style="margin-bottom: 0in; margin-right: 0.39in;"><span style="color: #674ea7;"><span style="font-family: Georgia, serif;">My
parents, however, are of the boomer generation, their memory is in
decline, these are new and complex concepts to them. But they have
known me my whole life, including the 34 years I spent presenting in
public as a boy/man, so they make mistakes a lot when addressing me,
but bless them, they </span><span style="font-family: Georgia, serif;"><i>are</i></span><span style="font-family: Georgia, serif;">
trying, and they correct themselves as soon as they realise, they
made a mistake. Sometimes, they miss their mistake and I need to
point out to them;<br />
“Actually, I’m a ‘she’, not a ‘he’,
thanks Mum”.<br />
<br />
For me, it’s not a matter of calling
people out in these situations, a mistake is a mistake. But equally,
everyone should remain mindful of pronouns, and get out of the habit
of ‘running on auto pilot’ when using them.</span></span></p><p style="margin-bottom: 0in; margin-right: 0.39in;"><span style="color: #674ea7;"><span style="font-family: Georgia, serif;">If </span><span style="font-family: Georgia, serif;"><i>you</i></span><span style="font-family: Georgia, serif;"> feel
embarrassed or awkward at being corrected for misgendering a person,
then… (there’s not really another way to say) Good!</span></span></p><p style="margin-bottom: 0in; margin-right: 0.39in;"><span style="color: #674ea7;"><span style="font-family: Georgia, serif;">Because
that means you’re learning a lesson. And you’re </span><span style="font-family: Georgia, serif;"><i>unlearning </i></span><span style="font-family: Georgia, serif;">a
whole bunch of societal programming and formed habits that will take
a long time to master.<br />
So good on you for acknowledging your
awkwardness, it means you care, and for that I am forever
thankful.<br />
<br />
“</span><span style="font-family: Georgia, serif;"><i>Alright,
but what about when someone looks a bit like a man, but also a bit
like a woman? Or what about people who look like both? Or their
gender is difficult to guess?”</i></span></span></p><p style="margin-bottom: 0in; margin-right: 0.39in;"><span style="color: #674ea7;"><span style="font-family: Georgia, serif;">Ah
yes! Non-Binary identities (Or Enby, like NB - Non Binary). There are a lot of these. I mean like… </span><span style="font-family: Georgia, serif;"><i>a
lot.</i></span><span style="font-family: Georgia, serif;"> Too
many for me to explore here (</span><a href="https://www.healthline.com/health/different-genders#i-p" target="_top"><span style="font-family: Georgia, serif;">This
article</span></a><span style="font-family: Georgia, serif;">
has a good starter-pack glossary of terms if you want to go
deeper).<br />
NB people are a kind of transgender person, in that,
they might experience gender dysphoria, but equally, they might not.
They might use non-gendered or plural pronouns
(They/Them/Theirs). They might even use a mix of pronouns
(She/They).<br />
Some of you may have seen the honorific title ‘Mx’
instead of ‘Mr’ or ‘Ms’ before someone’s name, for example.<br />(Late edit: I will be the first to admit I don't know enough about the Enby experience to really go into much detail because it isnt my experience. What if I told you there are more genders than you have fingers and toes? I don't have the space for that right now, but please comment below if you know a good resource xx)<br />
Some
people find it confusing to use plural pronouns for singular beings,
but they seem to forget that this already happens commonly in
language;</span></span></p><p style="margin-bottom: 0in; margin-right: 0.39in;"><span style="color: #674ea7;">“<span style="font-family: Georgia, serif;">They
are sitting” works for one person, or many. </span>
</span></p><p style="margin-bottom: 0in; margin-right: 0.39in;"><span style="color: #674ea7;"><span style="font-family: Georgia, serif;"><br />
By
this point, you may be completely baffled and have zero idea which
pronouns to use for people, and because you’re a good person you
don’t want to offend </span><span style="font-family: Georgia, serif;">anyone</span><span style="font-family: Georgia, serif;">
with the wrong pronouns.<br />
The way round all of this is very
simple my friends…<br />
Politely, somewhere private </span><span style="font-family: Georgia, serif;"><i>ask
the person.</i></span></span></p><p style="margin-bottom: 0in; margin-right: 0.39in;"><span style="color: #674ea7;"><span style="font-family: Georgia, serif;"><u>Or
better yet, introduce yourself to that person with </u></span><span style="font-family: Georgia, serif;"><i><u>your
pronouns</u></i></span><span style="font-family: Georgia, serif;"><br />
<br />
Everyone
</span><span style="font-family: Georgia, serif;">has</span><span style="font-family: Georgia, serif;">
the right and the freedom to choose their own pronouns that they feel
comfortable in. And normalising the sharing of pronouns when you meet
someone (</span><span style="font-family: Georgia, serif;"><i>especially</i></span><span style="font-family: Georgia, serif;">
people who are visually giving you mixed signals or confusion) not
only gains you </span><span style="font-family: Georgia, serif;"><i>huge</i></span><span style="font-family: Georgia, serif;">
social brownie points with the new people, but it opens the door for
gender non-conforming people of all kinds to share theirs.<br />
Let’s
try it now; <br />
-“Hi, I’m (</span><span style="font-family: Georgia, serif;"><i>your
name</i></span><span style="font-family: Georgia, serif;">),
my pronouns are (</span><span style="font-family: Georgia, serif;"><i>your
pronouns</i></span><span style="font-family: Georgia, serif;">)”<br />
Feels
weird saying that doesn’t it? Hell, </span><span style="font-family: Georgia, serif;"><i>I
</i></span><span style="font-family: Georgia, serif;">feel
weird saying it, and </span><span style="font-family: Georgia, serif;"><i>I
</i></span><span style="font-family: Georgia, serif;">stand
to benefit the most from doing this.<br />
My friends, it is one thing
to be trans, but it is a whole other thing to be the trans crusader
that makes everything about gender and pronouns </span><span style="font-family: Georgia, serif;"><i>(I
mean, basically, everything is about gender, but I’m not qualified
to teach you all of that)</i></span><span style="font-family: Georgia, serif;">
and frankly, my life has enough going on without leading this
fight.<br />
Trans and NB people need cis people to be on board with
this.<br />
Earlier, I mentioned that Transphobia needs mass societal
change and evolution to counter it.<br />
That little
self-introduction you just practiced is the keystone of that very
change.<br />
We (the transfolk) don’t want special treatment. We
just want everyone to be treated fairly, free from assumption,
unbound by prejudice… We want to be included.<br />
If you consider
yourself an ally of the LGBTQ+ community, if you personally know
anyone who is gender non-conforming, transgender, gender-queer,
non-binary or any other marginalised group in our culture, then I
challenge you…<br />
If only for one day in October, but I hope for
longer, please try introducing yourself with your pronouns, add your
pronouns to your email signature, put them in your Facebook/
Instagram biography like the teenagers!!<br />
You, the cis people,
you have the power to normalise acceptance and support of the trans
community, you have the power to speak out against transphobia. Be
the voice we need.<br />
<br />
</span><span style="font-family: Georgia, serif;"><b>You
can’t fix a bigot with a blog… but you can give one a cause to
think by using pronouns.</b></span></span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; margin: 0px;">
<span style="color: #674ea7;"> </span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; margin: 0px;"><br /></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; margin: 0px;"><br /></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; margin: 0px;"><br /></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; margin: 0px;"><br /></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; margin: 0px;"><br /><br /></p>Samantha Eccleshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02382858462312320435noreply@blogger.com1United Kingdom55.378051 -3.43597334.176629849525881 -38.592223 76.579472150474118 31.720277tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5759962727195395254.post-62492348580287399962018-03-15T17:30:00.001+00:002018-03-15T17:44:02.970+00:00Fear Factory & Phobia<span style="color: #444444; font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">Hello me luvs.</span><br />
<span style="color: #444444; font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">Hope you're all well.</span><br />
<span style="color: #444444; font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">Today I managed to make a mess of my shift rota and turned in for work when I could have had a lie in. To be honest, I could have slept until noon, I'm absolutely knackered (No, it definitely has nothing to do with my acquisition of <i>Metal Gear Solid - The Phantom Pain, </i>honest).</span><br />
<span style="color: #444444; font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"> But I'm awake now and I haven't written in ages, so I thought... why not?</span><br />
<span style="color: #444444;"><span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">Just to say here, about where I left off last time... </span></span><br />
<span style="color: #444444; font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">I won't be continuing that story in the same form. Mainly because the dredging through painful memory wasn't helping me to heal. Perhaps one day I can revisit it all with a different outlook, but for now, I need to stay up, and all of that was keeping me down. </span><br />
<span style="color: #444444; font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">I'll be touching on points from that time period, and some parts that I still haven't discussed whenever they are relevant to whatever I'm writing about in future. However the continuity style that I adopted shall be dropped. At least for now.</span><br />
<span style="color: #444444; font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">Despite some of the things I discuss, I don't actually want this page to become a pity party.</span><br />
<span style="color: #444444;"><span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">With that said, let's talk about fear.</span></span><br />
<span style="color: #444444; font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">The Fear Factory. No, not that <a href="https://youtu.be/MuDxo-fbW9c?t=7s" target="_blank">industrial metal band</a> from the 90's, no, I mean the one that we all have somewhere in the grey matter. The fear that we harbour that breeds fear in others.</span><br />
<span style="color: #444444; font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">It can be nothing more than an anxious thought about leaving the iron switched on, or it can be something that controls every waking thought and steers us, making our decisions for us.</span><br />
<span style="color: #444444; font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">Fear is an evolutionary trait, an advantage in survival of the fittest. We feel it without conscious thought, and it's there to keep us alive. </span><br />
<span style="color: #444444; font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">Throughout the course of our live's we are all taught to fear things; </span><br />
<span style="color: #444444; font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">Fire, electricity, violence, wild or unusual animals, clowns...Wait what? Yep, some people are mortally afraid of clowns. Nice job there, Stephen King.</span><br />
<span style="color: #444444; font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">But thanks to News and tabloid media, our fear catalogues got pretty fucked up. </span><br />
<span style="color: #444444; font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">Now, instead of things that pose an actual threat to our existence, we have been trained to fear, through repeated exposure to negative press about [insert perceived bad thing].</span><br />
<span style="color: #444444; font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">There's loads of them; Swine flu, the Y2K bug (yes, retro fears count), followers of Islam, North Korea, electric cars... the list goes on. But to all of these, there <i>are some facts</i>, however <i>stretched, diluted, tainted</i> and bastardised, that cause the fear to grow in too many of us.</span><br />
<span style="color: #444444; font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">Minimise the facts, maximise the fear, seize the control.</span><br />
<span style="color: #444444; font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">It's a historical tool that is massively effective, just look at what happened in Germany in the early 1940's. But it's sadly, this is not a technique that has stayed in the history books.</span><br />
<span style="color: #444444; font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">It still happens today and the propaganda is more subtle than ever.</span><br />
<span style="color: #444444; font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">I won't give you my "911 was an inside job" piece just now, that's a whole other blog LOL</span><br />
<span style="color: #444444; font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">But let's just accept that it's there. Always there, always controlling.</span><br />
<span style="color: #444444;"><span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">*I'll wait here for a sec so you can go and check your iron*</span></span><br />
<span style="color: #444444;"><span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">Now, what I don't understand, is that historically, you could only ever see transgender people (or gender non-conforming) in the media from the negative hype angle.</span></span><br />
<span style="color: #444444; font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">The shock and awe, the drama and scandal. The Jerry Springer episodes I saw as a kid who had just begun crossdressing, for reasons they didn't understand, teaching me that the transexual is an object of ridicule and disgrace. Prophecising my life as a pantomime of gender confusion, that's when the fear began for me. Yeah, I have my own transphobia that I deal with. (Again, that's a blog subject all of it's own, but for now we shall return to outward expression of fear.)</span><br />
<span style="color: #444444; font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">I'm glad to note that more recently, there has been a shift in what stories the press and media will publish about transgender people. Aside from the ongoing American myth of "Transgenders will rape women in bathrooms/toilets", most of the media these days is click-bait articles; </span><br />
<span style="color: #444444; font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">"You won't believe these AMAZING transgender before and after pictures (number 37 is INCREDIBLE!!!!!)"...</span><br />
<span style="color: #444444; font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">5 exclamation points? Really? (Probably from Buzzfeed)</span><br />
<span style="color: #444444; font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">And if it's not this it's Caitlin Jenner talking about Bruce, or Laverne Cox talking about Netflix. And I love the more positive spin and exposure. Visibility breeds acceptance and normalisation. I am all for it. It's exactly what we need.</span><br />
<span style="color: #444444;"><span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"> However....</span></span><br />
<span style="color: #444444;"><span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">I remember the Nineties. It was a time of 50p mixes and rollerblades.</span></span><br />
<span style="color: #444444; font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">Bike rides and Sega. The hot new mobile handset was a Nokia with an dot matrix display, and the internet's best page was Yahoo. Any media that put transgenderism in a positive spin either did not exist, or was fenced off to LGBT news and media. </span><br />
<span style="color: #444444; font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">Historically, transgender folk have been projected as the punchline, the gay man tricking a straight man into sex, the faggot, the drag queen.</span><br />
<span style="color: #444444; font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">The flamboyantly effeminate reject walking the streets in patent stilettos, or the headliner on Jerry Springer.</span><br />
<span style="color: #444444; font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">And people remember this. People retain the 'information' they get from the media because it helps them to develop their world view. And just because the 'information' now carries a new narrative, it doesn't mean those people forget the old 'information'.</span><br />
<span style="color: #444444; font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">They retain it because it created fear in the unknown or taboo. And fear protects us. It's like an alarm that keeps us alive.</span><br />
<span style="color: #444444; font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">And we like being alive.</span><br />
<span style="color: #444444; font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">The fight or flight response is what keeps us breathing.</span><br />
<span style="color: #444444; font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">We sense danger, then we either leg it as fast as possible, or we beat the shit out of it.</span><br />
<span style="color: #444444; font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><i>Why were transgender people targeted in the first place?</i><br />Couldn't tell you for certain. But I'm guessing any one or multiple of the usual, easily defeatable assets to maintenance of the status quo, for instance</span><br />
<span style="color: #444444; font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">"It goes against the teachings of the lord our God" or just for the same reasons people hate brown people/white people, poor people/rich people, men/women...<br />You know, good old fashioned xenophobia.</span><br />
<span style="color: #444444; font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><i>Why is it such a problem that people have been taught to fear the tranny?</i></span><br />
<span style="color: #444444; font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">Well 2015, 2016 and 2017 saw a year on year increase in the number of murders committed on transgender individuals in the United states.</span><br />
<span style="color: #444444; font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">And last year in the UK, the Office for National Statistics reported that one third of transgender people were the victims of a hate crime.</span><br />
<span style="color: #444444; font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">I won't press the point further just now, but if you want further reading, click <a href="https://www.theguardian.com/commentisfree/2018/jan/22/epidemic-violence-transgender-people-experienced-stonewall" target="_blank">here.</a></span><br />
<span style="color: #444444;"><span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">So we have ended up in this weird cycle of transphobia breeding androphobia / anthropophobia (Fear of men / fear of people).</span></span><br />
<span style="color: #444444; font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">And its 2018...</span><br />
<span style="color: #444444; font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">We have global warming, climate change, Donald Trump vs the World, disease, famine, population surplus, inequality, social caste, and there are people who <i>still</i> want to violate and persecute other people who weren't lucky enough to be content with the body they were born with.</span><br />
<span style="color: #444444; font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">And the cycle continues in the weight of fear. </span><br />
<span style="color: #444444; font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">Trans people stay indoors because it's easier and safer. </span><br />
<span style="color: #444444; font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">Keep it a secret because it's easier and safer. </span><br />
<span style="color: #444444;"><span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">They isolate, withdraw and decline. Contributing to the highest suicide rate of any minority group, with an </span><a href="https://www.emeraldinsight.com/doi/abs/10.1108/MHRJ-05-2014-0015" style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;" target="_blank">84% lifetime prevalence</a> <span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">of suicidal ideation and 48% who attempted suicide.</span></span><br />
<span style="color: #444444;"><span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">It's hard for me to look at stats like this. Because I can fucking well relate to it.</span></span><br />
<span style="color: #444444; font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">I know fear. I've been taught fear my whole life. Bullied at school. Harassed for being a 'sweddy' (that's a 'mosher' in Wiganese). News and media filling me with hate and fear when I reached 'adulthood' (I still think I'm a child). So how do you break the cycle?</span><br />
<span style="color: #444444; font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">(Here comes the tangent...)</span><br />
<span style="color: #444444;"><span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">Drive, my dears.</span></span><br />
<span style="color: #444444; font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">Or more specifically, <a href="https://youtu.be/OLy4QVp68_U" target="_blank">Drive, by Incubus</a></span><br />
<span style="color: #444444; font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><span style="background-color: white; font-size: x-small;"><br /></span>
</span><br />
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="background-color: white; color: #444444; font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: x-small;">Sometimes, I feel the fear of uncertainty stinging clear,</span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="color: #444444; font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: x-small;"><span style="background-color: white;">And I can't help but ask myself how much I'll let the fear t</span><span style="background-color: white;">ake the wheel and steer</span></span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="background-color: white; color: #444444; font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: x-small;">It's driven me before</span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="background-color: white; color: #444444; font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: x-small;">And it seems to have a vague, haunting mass appeal</span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="color: #444444; font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: x-small;"><span style="background-color: white;">But lately I am beginning to find t</span><span style="background-color: white;">hat I should be the one behind the wheel</span></span></div>
<div class="G1VCxe kno-fb-ctx" jsname="CsSQ" style="background-color: white; margin-top: 12px;">
<div jsname="U8S5sf" style="line-height: 1.24; margin-bottom: 12px;">
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="color: #444444; font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: x-small;">Whatever tomorrow brings</span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span jsname="YS01Ge" style="color: #444444; font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: x-small;">I'll be there with open arms and open eyes</span><br />
<span style="color: #444444; font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: x-small;">Whatever tomorrow brings,</span><br />
<span style="color: #444444; font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: x-small;">I'll be there, I'll be there</span></div>
</div>
<div jsname="U8S5sf" style="line-height: 1.24; margin-bottom: 12px;">
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="color: #444444; font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: x-small;"><span jsname="YS01Ge">So if I decide to waiver my chance t</span><span jsname="YS01Ge">o be one of the hive</span></span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span jsname="YS01Ge" style="color: #444444; font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: x-small;">Will I choose water over wine</span></div>
<span style="color: #444444; font-size: x-small;"><span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: xx-small;"><span jsname="YS01Ge">
</span><span jsname="YS01Ge"></span></span>
</span><br />
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><span jsname="YS01Ge" style="color: #444444; font-size: x-small;">And hold my own and drive?</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><span jsname="YS01Ge" style="color: #444444; font-size: x-small;">It's driven me before and it seems to be the way that everyone else gets around,</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><span jsname="YS01Ge" style="color: #444444; font-size: x-small;">But lately I am beginning to find that when I drive myself my light is found</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><span jsname="YS01Ge" style="color: #444444; font-size: x-small;">
</span></span></div>
</div>
<div class="G1VCxe kno-fb-ctx" jsname="c4lrhc" style="background-color: white;">
<div class="iw7h9e" data-mh="-1" jsname="U8S5sf" style="line-height: 1.24; margin-bottom: 12px;">
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="color: #444444; font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: x-small;">So whatever tomorrow brings</span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span jsname="YS01Ge" style="color: #444444; font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: x-small;">I'll be there with open arms and open eyes</span></div>
<span style="color: #444444; font-size: x-small;"><span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: xx-small;"><span jsname="YS01Ge">
</span><span jsname="YS01Ge"></span></span>
</span><br />
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><span jsname="YS01Ge" style="color: #444444; font-size: x-small;">Whatever tomorrow brings</span></span></div>
<span style="color: #444444;"><span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: x-small;"><span jsname="YS01Ge">
</span><span jsname="YS01Ge"></span></span>
</span><br />
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: xx-small;"><span jsname="YS01Ge" style="color: #444444; font-size: x-small;">I'll be there, I'll be there</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: xx-small;"><span jsname="YS01Ge" style="color: #444444; font-size: x-small;">
</span></span></div>
<div class="xpdxpnd" data-mh="32" data-mhc="1" jsname="U8S5sf" style="line-height: 1.24; margin-bottom: 12px; max-height: 32px; overflow: hidden; transition: max-height 0.3s;">
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="color: #444444; font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: x-small;">Would you choose water over wine?<br />Hold the wheel and drive?</span><br />
<span style="color: #444444; font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: x-small;"><br /></span></div>
<div>
<span style="color: #444444;"><span jsname="YS01Ge" style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"></span><br /></span></div>
<div style="font-size: small; text-align: center;">
<span jsname="YS01Ge" style="color: #444444; font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">Hold the wheel and drive?</span></div>
<div style="font-size: small;">
<span jsname="YS01Ge" style="color: #444444; font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">
</span></div>
</div>
</div>
<span style="color: #444444;"><span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">Effectively, <i>think for yourself.</i><br />So if something is on the news or in the media, heard as gossip in the pub or at work, or if you hold a belief or judgement that you realise you have no evidence for, I implore you, all of you...<br /><br />Think again. Take the wheel and steer for yourself. Form your own opinion and don't judge.</span></span><br />
<span style="color: #444444;"><span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">That song has been in my life for the last 17 years, and I don't see it going away for the next 17 years either. It's a life lesson and a great driving song - What could be better, really?</span></span><br />
<span style="color: #444444; font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">Driving gives us freedom to explore new places, new ways of looking at life.<br />It lets us see the world from another perspective. Everyone should learn.<br />It's hard, and the road is often rough, but it's still worth the journey.</span><br />
<span style="color: #444444; font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><br /><i>Okay, enough cliche, what can we do about it?</i><br /><br />Question your fear. Question the fear in others.</span><br />
<span style="color: #444444; font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">Question everything and question the answers.<br />Question the news, and extract the facts from the hyperbole.<br />Remember that correlation does not equal causation.<br />Speak out against injustice and inequality.</span><br />
<span style="color: #444444; font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">At this point I feel like I'm preaching my world view to you all, and while that is not my intent, I do intend on making the world a little bit better in whatever way I can.<br />So I'm going to leave you all with one more song.<br />Because in/tolerance has long been a subject in songwriting that I've always found to be hugely emotive. It speaks to the very core of the soul because equality includes everyone, even Jeremy Hunt.<br />Equality, Inclusion and Diversity are the fundamental basic tenets of a society and world I hope we would all want to be part of. When they are at risk, compromised or are absent, then we are all at a disadvantage.<br />One of my all time favourite bands and <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ofUeCCAYUbo" target="_blank">all time favourite songs.</a></span><br />
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<span style="color: #444444; font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: x-small;">First they put away the dealers<br /><span style="background-color: white;">Keep our kids safe and off the streets</span></span><br />
<span style="color: #444444; font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: x-small;">Then they put away the prostitutes<br />Keep married men cloistered at home<br />Then they shooed away the bums<br />Then they beat and bashed the queers<br />Turned away asylum-seekers<br />Fed us suspicions and fears<br />We didn't raise our voice<br />We didn't make a fuss<br />It's funny there was no one left to notice<br />When they came for us</span></div>
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<span style="color: #444444; font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: x-small;"><br />Looks like witches are in season<br />You better fly your flag and be aware<br />Of anyone who might fit the description<br />Diversity is now our biggest fear<br />Now with our conversations tapped<br />And our differences exposed<br />How ya supposed to love your neighbor<br />With our minds and curtains closed?<br />We used to worry 'bout big brother<br />Now we got a big father and an even bigot mother</span></div>
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<span style="color: #444444; font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: x-small;"><br />And still you believe<br />This aristocracy gives a fuck about you<br />They put the mock in demockracy<br />And you swallowed every hook<br />The sad truth is you would rather<br />Follow the school into the net<br />Cause swimming alone at sea<br />Is not the kind of freedom you actually want</span></div>
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<span style="color: #444444; font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: x-small;"><br />So go back to your crib and suck on a tit<br />Go bask in the warmth of your diaper<br />You're sitting in shit and piss<br />While sucking a giant pacifier<br />A country of adult infants<br />A legion of mental midgets<br />A country of adult infants<br />A country of adult infants<br />All regaining their unconsciousness</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">Sorry for the slightly preachy, tangented post. But I'm guessing you all have your own fears.<br /><u><i><b>The point is really not to let that fear make your decision for you.</b></i></u></span></span><br />
<span style="color: #444444; font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">Make a decision based on love, not hate. </span><br />
<span style="color: #444444; font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">Try for a better world by making a better you.</span><br />
<span style="color: #444444; font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">I often wonder what my life would have been like were it not for fear. </span><br />
<span style="color: #444444; font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">I still ponder what my life would be like to never have to fear ever again.</span><br />
<span style="color: #444444; font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">It's probably true that we will all, at some point, become fearful. </span><br />
<span style="color: #444444; font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">Just don't let it take control.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">If you liked it, then share it. Tell a friend. Let me know what you thought, or ask me a question. Click on one of those ads while you're here, I'd really appreciate it xx<br /><br />TTFN</span></span><br />
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<br />Samantha Eccleshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02382858462312320435noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5759962727195395254.post-15623276522675943202018-02-20T16:49:00.000+00:002018-02-20T16:49:30.485+00:00Belated Birthday Bonanza<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: x-small;">Before we crack on with the ongoing tale of my seperation, coming out and general massive life upheaval, I just want to say "Welcome!" - To all my new readers and "Sorry for the delay" to all of my long time readers.<br />Suffice to say that some stuff went down, I'm dealing with it, I will be making this as regular as a thing as I can, but lots of stuff has been happening and I just needed time to sort my shit out.<br /> I'll be filling you in (as much as I will say in public) in due course, so thanks for staying with me xx<br />Without further delay....</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">"Morning luv, Happy Birthday! There's coffee downstairs for you"<br />My feelings about this were mixed,<br />On the one hand, It's coffee, literally the second I woke up.<br />On the other hand, it was waking up.<br />The details of the day aren't important, but I tried to make the best of the shitty situation.<br />I spent the morning with my parents who made me coffee and gave me my Birthday cards and a kick up the arse, the afternoon hanging out with friends giving me support and wisdom (Thank You, Barry. It meant a lot old bean.), then the evening with my Ex wife for Chinese food and Rick & Morty (The done thing when your Birthday is on a Monday and you only physically separated yesterday). We hung out, she gave me some cards and we discussed my upcoming birthday house party on the Saturday. So after making plans for what food to buy and how much booze etc, that I could take the spare room on the night and help to clean up in the morning, then I went home for an early night. But I ended up having a late one on the sauce with my mum and dad.<br />In the circumstances, it was as good as my 35th Birthday could have been.<br />That is to say, nothing bad happened. I did the things that I wanted to do given my situation.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><br />The next couple of days were spent mainly, just sorting things out at home.<br />My life was contained in a collection of small to medium boxes.<br />Trying to organise my limited space in my room, unpack, sort out how I was going to make living from my parent's spare room easier, at least in the foreseeable future. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">Thursday 28th would be a notable day though.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">I took my mum and dad to a clinic appointment and afterwards took them to the train station, so they could go and have a date night in Liverpool (Dawww).<br />As soon as I got home I was in the shower, full shave, makeup and wig on, some leggings and a casual tunic top, made myself presentable but comfortable. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">This was the first time I had presented female in this house and I did not have </span><span style="font-family: georgia, "times new roman", serif;">to hide.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">Admittedly, it had been over 12 years since I had last done so in this house.<br />This was the first day my parents saw me present as a woman.<br />They had seen pictures last year when I first told them I was having gender issues,<br />but I'm not sure that it sank in at the time, <a href="http://sometimessamantha.blogspot.co.uk/2016/09/why-didnt-i-say-something-sooner_53.html" target="_blank">I've discussed this stuff before</a> in a previous post. I can't cope with looking like a guy for long stretches. I've always needed the respite that comes when I see myself in the mirror, looking just that little bit more like what I want to look like, because that's how I feel my happiest. Comfortable in how I look. Even if it was only ever in the confines of my home.<br />The weight of dysphoria lifts, I feel happier and less bogged down with conflict in my head.<br />I think it was fair to say that the last couple of weeks had been pretty heavy, and I needed to feel some happiness and a rest from the weight of everything else.<br /><br />After a day of messing around on my PC and chatting to friends online, while mum and dad were getting sloshed in Liverpool, they texted me from the train station as they called their taxi and asked me to put the kettle on (Standard behaviour in our family - A brew is never far away).<br />When they walked in, I was upstairs grabbing my cigarettes, I called out;<br />"Hello?"<br />"Hiya luv! Are you making this pot of tea then?" (Again, standard, it's a fairly typical greeting when you live here).<br />I walked down-stairs and my mum was the first one I saw, she was leaned forward taking her boots off, as she stood up straight, I got an excited, surprised, happy;<br />"OH MY GOD!" and a big beaming smile that I smiled back at,</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">"...You look brill!", well that was easy enough...<br />"What's up?" my dad then boomed from behind the living room door...<br />He opened it to see me stood with my mum, his mouth open like a goldfish. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">I gave him the jazz-hands gesture that people use when they present themselves with a "Taa-daa!" and a grin. Not a clue why. I'm a bit weird like that sometimes.<br />The fish mouth morphed into a smile, then it was covered by his hands and he began to laugh... Wasn't really what I expected, I have to be honest.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">He wasn't mocking me, this is something my dad does in his moments of "I can't believe it!" It's worth remembering to expect the unexpected I guess.<br />I got big hugs off them both, poured myself a strong drink and went to the back door for a cigarette. The pot of tea could wait.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">My mum started telling me about where they had been, where they ate how much gin they had drank, then sarcastically complained,<br />"I'll make this brew then, shall I?" </span><br />
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">But my dad was uncharacteristically quiet. He was still stood, eyes wide like saucers giving me that same surprised stare. If he wasn't my dad, it would have been a bit creepy...</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><br />"Dad are you alright? You're staring a bit" I had to make sure he was okay after all, this was a 'first something' for each one of us...<br />"Sorry cock... ('cock' is a term of endearment in the North West of England. It isn't an insult or reference to gender. You will just have to take my word for it on this),</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"> ...You're just really pretty, I can't believe it!"</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">My. Heart. Fucking. Melted.<br />Possibly the sweetest words I've ever heard my dad say about me.<br /><br />But like a cunt, I said "You don't have to say that you know..." - (I've never been good at taking compliments. There's always something in my head telling me that my friends or family are only ever trying to cheer me up, rather than being the good people I know them to be, and giving me praise for something.)<br />"...I know I look like a man in makeup and a wig"</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">In almost perfect stereo synchronisation, I got a Mum and Dad duet rendition of<br />"No, you don't!" and then for their encore, "YOU LOOK GORGEOUS!".<br />10/10 would see again ;)<br />Nothing like a Mum and Dad flattery campaign to perk you up [/embarrassed-reaction.gif]<br /><br />So this made up for my less than spectacular Birthday.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">In the wake of the separation from my wife, my mum's health problems, moving into my parent's house, all just kinda felt a little better for a little while.<br />I've got a good mum and dad. Trust them to look after my ego when I can't even...<br />It felt incredible. It was like a light got flicked on in a dark corner of my mind.<br />I wasn't happy by a long shot, but I got closer for the first time in nearly 3 weeks of complete misery. Like, if the zenith of happiness is the desert at the end of a 5 course meal, this was the </span><span style="font-family: georgia, "times new roman", serif;">amuse-bouche.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">The appetiser came that very weekend at the house party for my birthday.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">Looking back, I was probably a bit over dressed for a house party, especially one of my house parties (which historically end up in piley-ons (if you don't know, look it up), sweat, fire, vomit and one time a guy at my door offering my whole party outside for a fight).</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">But, honestly, I just didn't care because for one night at least, my nearest would see me as I am. Or at the very least they would see the blueprints for the 'me' I want to build. And you know what, I felt pretty.<br />I was surrounded by love, with a belly full of 12.5% fizzy love - Needles to say I loved it.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: georgia, times new roman, serif;">I don't regret how drunk I got that night, but I do wish I could remember more of it.<br />But turn up at my house with prosecco and that's the way the night is going!</span><br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgB9oMnYhbvYC0feLeAezfSVz6lwn3SRyJhZf_QEG1E9JCp2dyq18p_xlv3yPi9TnslI5ggNJHCUl8PkIuzLVr1eehkHkW6-yjwmhobyle7lCteVxWvJWYTULgS0y0GFH4YFTZnqsaOKTqR/s1600/31311683343_7c1f41e9b9_o.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1600" data-original-width="974" height="400" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgB9oMnYhbvYC0feLeAezfSVz6lwn3SRyJhZf_QEG1E9JCp2dyq18p_xlv3yPi9TnslI5ggNJHCUl8PkIuzLVr1eehkHkW6-yjwmhobyle7lCteVxWvJWYTULgS0y0GFH4YFTZnqsaOKTqR/s400/31311683343_7c1f41e9b9_o.jpg" width="241" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">The outfit I wore for the house party.<br />Overdressed?<br /></td></tr>
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">As far as I was concerned, the night was wonderful. Thanks to everyone who came. I know it was 5 months ago, but I never did a drunk birthday speech, so you will have to grant me *This*<br />"Your love and acceptance means more than you know. Thank you all xxx".<br /></span><br />
<span style="font-family: georgia, "times new roman", serif;">It was a good job it went well. Because the days, weeks and months ahead were amongst the best and the worst I've ever known. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: georgia, times new roman, serif;">On the one hand, I met new people for the first time (they don't know me as a man), and got a taxi by myself for the first time - and the driver called me 'luv' and other slang feminine pronouns during the ride.</span><br /><span style="font-family: georgia, times new roman, serif;">On the other hand, I had a week where I stayed in my room, didn't talk, didn't wash, eat or even sleep for more than 3 or 4 hours because I spent the whole time in darkness in bed.</span><br /><span style="font-family: georgia, times new roman, serif;">And when I got a taxi by myself for the second time and got 'mate', 'pal' and my personal favourite in a Wigan accent, 'Fella'. [*/WHAT!?.mp3*]. I could feel my inner Tumblr feminist raging hard deep in my head. But I valued not being kicked out of a taxi in howling wind and rain, or worse, more than I valued my gender identity. Fear is a bastard.</span><br /><span style="font-family: georgia, times new roman, serif;">The problem is, when you've been afraid for long enough, you become accustomed to it and even begin to accept it. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: georgia, "times new roman", serif;">So I let the taxi man mis-gender me instead of saying what I though,<br />"What part of this *gesture to point at my perfectly made up face, hair and dress* makes you want to say "Fella", I don't look like this by accident you spunk-flute!"....<br /><br />You know what, Having re-read that last bit, I stand by my original decision to keep shtum.<br />Wouldn't have gone my way, LOL!</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><br /><br /></span>Samantha Eccleshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02382858462312320435noreply@blogger.com02 Birchley Rd, Billinge, Wigan WN5 7QH, UK53.493764816118379 -2.713451385498046953.48904181611838 -2.723536385498047 53.498487816118377 -2.7033663854980468tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5759962727195395254.post-25865216922172666292017-12-15T14:39:00.002+00:002017-12-15T14:39:45.752+00:00Tinder Trouble in Transitory Times<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt; text-align: center;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: Georgia; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="color: #444444; font-size: x-small;">I have decided to compile 3 pre-drafted, historic entries into one post this week.
Mainly because the content is pretty hard, some of you may be upset reading this.
I need to get this out there, but I also need to draw a line under it and move past it.
Hence I have moved the scheduled posts from the 22nd and the 29th into this single post.
I don't wish to be starting a New Year in the wake of editing a post about suicidal thoughts.
So here we go, It's a long one... Get a coffee, eh?</span></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Georgia; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap; white-space: pre;"><a href="http://sometimessamantha.blogspot.co.uk/2017/12/the-middle-of-end.html" target="_blank">Here is the last part, for those who missed it.</a></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: Georgia; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">...Fortunately, the drive home was never more than 5 minutes from where my wife works.</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: Georgia; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">But it was a long enough 5 minutes that when we got home, I needed to call upon my old friend, Petrol Station Pinot Grigio.</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: Georgia; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">After one glass necked and another poured, my wife (ex wife) began to talk it out over cigarettes and wine.</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: Georgia; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">The long and short of it, because I can't be fecked going over the whole dialogue, is;</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: Georgia; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">-She had signed up for Tinder the night before. </span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: Georgia; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">She explained that it was because she needed the ego boost, being 32 and single for the first time since she was 20, she wanted to see if guys would still fancy her. </span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: Georgia; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">I accepted this. </span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: Georgia; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Who wouldn't want to know if they still had something/someone to look forward to in the future? Her reasons for joining and when, were irrelevant now anyway. I no-longer had a say in her life and her choices... But I digress...</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: Georgia; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Now I didn't know this, but tinder works on proximity, the closer two people are, the more likely they are to see each other's profile. Turns out, as she was swiping, one of our friends turned up in her feed, he only lived around the corner from us - Couldn't be much closer really.</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: Georgia; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">She knew that because she had seen </span><span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: Georgia; font-style: italic; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">him</span><span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: Georgia; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"> on there, that there was every chance he may have seen </span><span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: Georgia; font-style: italic; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">her.</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: Georgia; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Now, I hadn't spoken to this friend yet, about the separation or my gender issues, and my Ex was worried about him coming to me/worrying over telling me;</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: Georgia; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">"Dude, I saw your wife on Tinder last night".</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: Georgia; font-style: italic; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Bollocks!!</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: Georgia; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">I mean, it's not that I wasn't going to tell my friend. He was on my 'to-tell' list. but I just hadn't had the time or energy - Like I said, in </span><a href="http://sometimessamantha.blogspot.co.uk/2017/12/the-middle-of-end.html" style="text-decoration: none;"><span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: Georgia; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: underline; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">my last blog post</span></a><span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: Georgia; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">, I was totally drained after the 7 days of non-stop 'doing shit'.</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: Georgia; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">So that was thursdays plans outlined for me before I even sat down after cigarettes.</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: Georgia; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">I was strangely calm about learning my wife was on a dating app. In hindsight, I'm not sure I processed it fully. Maybe the Pinot had taken effect on my completely empty stomach. The last 'proper' meal I ate was the take-out on Sunday. The rest was cheese and biscuits, crisps and large amounts of caffeine and nicotine.</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: Georgia; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Surprisingly, she went on to say, "I think you should sign up too... as Samantha. It'll make you feel better if someone else fancies you" It was so alien, hearing these words from a woman who had fought so many personal, emotional battles to keep me in her life. It only furthered the impression in my heart that the woman I loved, who loved me, was gone.</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: Georgia; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">So, later that night, I signed up for Tinder.</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: Georgia; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">After about an hour on my sofa bed in the spare room, swiping left on women with 6 kids, one woman with 5 cats and an immeasurable number of suspected catfish...</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: Georgia; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">I deleted my Tinder profile.</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: Georgia; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">This wasn't me. I didn't </span><span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: Georgia; font-style: italic; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">want</span><span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: Georgia; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"> someone else to fancy me. I wanted my wife to fancy me.</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: Georgia; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">And she was in the next room. Probably talking to guys on Tinder.</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: Georgia; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Crying myself to sleep has never been my favourite thing in the world.</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: Georgia; font-style: italic; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">(As an aside to the above, to remain fair to my Ex. She was dealing with this better than I was. Because she had already been through what I was going through. But she did it a year earlier when I first told her I believed my issues ran deeper. She had mourned me for a year. In her head, David was dead and some impostor called Samantha had taken his place. I was too wrapped up in life and my own bullshit to realise it was happening. I doubt that knowing any of this would have changed the final outcome, it is what it is.)</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: Georgia; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">I began to lean on cheap wine pretty heavily around this time.</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: Georgia; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">I was drinking way more than is healthy on a 'usually' empty stomach.</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: Georgia; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">But without it, I would not have slept at all. I knew it was bad when I was throwing empty bottles over the garden wall so I didn't arouse suspicion about how much I was drinking.</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: Georgia; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Day times were fuelled my caffeine and and anxiety as I travelled to friends near and far to tell them everything. Night times were fuelled by intoxicants to switch my brain off and get it to sleep. I knew it was not a long term solution, but for now at least, it was helping.</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: Georgia; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">On the morning of Friday 15th, I regretted the booze induced sleep.</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: Georgia; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Up at 06:30 to take delivery of her new bed and get it assembled.</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: Georgia; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Sleep deprived and hung over, at 07:45 that morning I was roped into moving my sofa bed out of the spare (my) room, our (my) bed into the spare room and then assembling her new bed with her. I wanted it done though, I didn't want this job on the list for days on days, and she was due on night shifts over the weekend.</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: Georgia; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">It started out simply enough. But as the pieces came together, so did the realisation that I would never sleep with my wife in this bed. I grew more angry with every dowel and screw. </span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: Georgia; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">By the time we were finished building it, the bed was the embodiment of my resentment. That pretty bit of flat-pack was the totem of my failed relationship. </span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: Georgia; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">I hated that bed and all who would sleep in it.</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: Georgia; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">I had to get out of the house, but I also couldn't drag myself out of the door. I longed to just do nothing, to hide in my room. Trying to rest, because my body needed it. Trying to keep busy because my brain needed it.</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: Georgia; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">I remember thinking at some point, that depression and dysphoria are similar in many ways, but specifically that the body and the mind are entirely at odds with each other. Trying to rest, because my body needed it. </span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: Georgia; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Trying to keep busy because my brain needed it.</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: Georgia; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Body wants me to be a man.</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: Georgia; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Brain wants to be/is a woman.</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: Georgia; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">The dysphoria was as real as it's ever been. Trying to balance my life between the me the world got to see and the me that I want to be. I dressed appropriately as much as I could, as much as my face could tolerate shaving... even on days when I couldn't - Was better to just avoid mirrors. Mirrors are fucking cruel sometimes, usually on the days where shaving is painful, so you don't bother with makeup, and you then still see your stupid fucking hairy face staring back at you in a wig....</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: Georgia; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">...Best to just avoid that.</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: Georgia; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">I just kind of drifted through the next week or so by drinking, sleeping, caffeinating, smoking.</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: Georgia; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Sharing a house with a ghost and 3 cats.</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: Georgia; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">I couldn't escape my head. </span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: Georgia; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">All I could see when I closed my eyes, was a vision of her in that new bed with a faceless man that wasn't me. It mocked me. Gripped me. </span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: Georgia; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">It would still be over a week until I told my parents that me and the Mrs were over.</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: Georgia; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">They were away on holiday, and I couldn't ruin that for them. </span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: Georgia; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">I'd have to wait for them to get home before I could tell them how my life had been completely fucked over.</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: Georgia; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Distraction - That was the answer.</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: Georgia; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">To pass some time and occupy myself while not in work, I looked at flats on Zoopla.</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: Georgia; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">I tried to write entries to my blog (evidently without success)</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: Georgia; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">I began to learn to cook.</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: Georgia; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">I updated my social media profiles.</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: Georgia; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Tidied up the house. </span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: Georgia; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Played some games on the PC.</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: Georgia; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Did the washing and dishes.</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: Georgia; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">I took old and knackered things to the tip and charity shops if usable.</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: Georgia; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">I took pictures for a friend's new business website.</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: Georgia; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">I did anything to not let the bad stuff in.</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: Georgia; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Futile really. Because the bad stuff always found a way in. A crack in the walls or a window left slightly ajar. </span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: Georgia; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">The bad stuff always found a way to get inside the safety of my head. </span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: Georgia; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">But soon, my parents were home. I remember it being the friday after Bed-gate/Bed Hate.</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: Georgia; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">My parents would learn that my relationship was over. </span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: Georgia; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">That the woman I loved, that they treated like their own would not be part of my life for very much longer.</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: Georgia; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">That the only life I'd known for a decade would soon be vastly different.</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: Georgia; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">I cried.</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: Georgia; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">They cried.</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: Georgia; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">We all fucking cried.</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: Georgia; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">What a jolly old time we had.</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: Georgia; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Being a good mum and dad, they offered me the spare room in their house, just until I could find my feet again. I declined.</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: Georgia; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Mainly out of stupid pride. I'd always seen moving back to your parents house to be a mark of failure. It's exactly how it's said... Moving </span><span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: Georgia; font-style: italic; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">back</span><span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: Georgia; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"> to your parents house.</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: Georgia; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">But there were many other issues putting me off the idea, physical space and my reliance on booze to get me to sleep were inclusive. </span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: Georgia; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">I explained that we intended to stay in the house together and get all our debts settled up, save our own deposits for new places, then move on separately.</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: Georgia; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">They accepted this but I could see it in their expression they saw this to be a mistake of sorts.</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: Georgia; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Pride... It'll get ya.</span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia; white-space: pre-wrap;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia; white-space: pre-wrap;">I spent that weekend trying to relax.</span><br />
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<span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: Georgia; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">I was due back in work on Monday for the night shift, and I was determined to get myself occupied and take my mind off misery and focus on work.</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: Georgia; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">On the Saturday, I began to set my body clock for nights, so by the time I woke up the house was empty - My wife was at work, so I decided to make myself look pretty and get pissed one last time before work on Monday in the hope I would feel better.</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: Georgia; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">And I did. I went online, video chatted with some friends, generally just socialised via some servers.</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: Georgia; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">When my wife... sorry, ex wife got home, we had a chat over a cig or two at the back door, "How was your day..." yada-yada. "My interview for the promotion at work is on tuesday morning..." Bla-bla...</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: Georgia; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">All lovely, friendly, easy.</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: Georgia; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Until she asked me,</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: Georgia; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">"You're on a night shift next Sunday aren't you?"</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: Georgia; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">"Yeah, why?" as I exhaled the smoke,</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: Georgia; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">"Oh, just cause I'm going out, and didn't know if you would be in when I got home is all...". I could tell she was holding back on something, it was thick in the air, I could almost chew it.</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: Georgia; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">I probed at her statement, </span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: Georgia; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">"Oh cool, who are you out with?", desperate for her to say the name of her friend, any friend would do...</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: Georgia; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">"...Someone..." she said reservedly.</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: Georgia; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">I knew what this meant. This wasn't 'Going Out', this was a date. </span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: Georgia; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">It was a date and she was enquiring if I would be home that night. I felt physically sick.</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: Georgia; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">"Not someone from Tinder by any chance?" I kept my cool. Mainly because I'm a sloppy drunk, but I kept it all the same.</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: Georgia; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">"Err, yeah." then silence.</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: Georgia; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">I neared the end of that cigarette and lit another from it. </span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: Georgia; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">So now I've gone from vape, to smoking, to chain smoking. Fantastic.</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: Georgia; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">I dragged hard and deep, I couldn't drive anywhere, I was far too pissed for that, I had to just breathe and pray for the nicotine bump.</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: Georgia; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">"Sunday is the 24th... That's the day before my birthday..." I said as the realisation came to me, painful and fast. But I swallowed it.</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: Georgia; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">I paused, stunned by her apparent lack of empathy...</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: Georgia; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">I stood in silence fighting back tears. I felt by blood boil. I wanted to scream in fury.</span></div>
<b style="font-weight: normal;"><br /></b>
<b style="font-weight: normal;"><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">But for some reason I still don't fully grasp, I said</span></b><br />
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</div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: Georgia; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">"Okay... This has to happen at some point. You want to meet people and move on. You want to know that you are attractive to people. I want you to be happy, that's all I've ever wanted."</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: Georgia; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">And I meant it. I self edited the rest of what I wanted to say to her. It just wouldn't have been productive. </span></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjTwmQBMV0FqpON_R83Fy-BVMDU69Q175bO2m0AxGoCLQWbYwX_nNTZsMy462CG3Zgym8UIs-657mZNGi7aXxES9Yv6Xjs7Wrr4fa2ay6V93l3VZD4HQk7py5St5aHxRVNhiSMj5cMvE8mH/s1600/this+is+fine.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="549" data-original-width="1050" height="167" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjTwmQBMV0FqpON_R83Fy-BVMDU69Q175bO2m0AxGoCLQWbYwX_nNTZsMy462CG3Zgym8UIs-657mZNGi7aXxES9Yv6Xjs7Wrr4fa2ay6V93l3VZD4HQk7py5St5aHxRVNhiSMj5cMvE8mH/s320/this+is+fine.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: Georgia; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Then I asked to see his picture. I'm not sure why. I could have been trying too hard to show her that "This is fine". Maybe I needed a face for the faceless man who sleeps with my wife in my nightmares. </span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: Georgia; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Whatever it was, I did myself no favours by looking.</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: Georgia; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">I woke very late on Sunday and rested proper for the night shift the next day.</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: Georgia; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Sunday's details are not important to the tale. There was lots of YouTube videos and Netflix.</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: Georgia; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Actually, that sums Sunday up quite well.</span></div>
<b style="font-weight: normal;"><br /></b>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: Georgia; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Monday.</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: Georgia; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Woke up, feeling... Good, actually. 10 hours sleep will do that to you, I guess.</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: Georgia; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">I got myself showered and smartened up and off to work smelling fresh and trying, with everything I had, to be positive and productive. As I walk into the office for report, I hear a conversation some of my colleagues were having,</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: Georgia; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">"...Yeah, I know what you're saying, but it's only when you get to the divorce that you find out how much of a nasty psycho they really are! ...Oh hiya David! Are you feeling better?"</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: Georgia; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">It's not her fault, she didn't know. I did my best to ignore it.</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: Georgia; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">We started work at 19:30, and by the time midnight came round, I'd even told my colleagues on shift with me that me and my wife were parting, I thought, "Yeah, I've got this".</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: Georgia; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">At about 2:30am Tuesday morning, I went to the office for a coffee and sat down for a sec to look at my phone messages and... I just started to cry.</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: Georgia; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Through tears I told the shift leader I was popping out for a vape for 5 minutes.</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: Georgia; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">I returned 20 mins later still sobbing and ran to the office followed by the shift leader who couldn't apologise enough for the conversation she was having when I walked in at the start of the shift. She comforted me, sat and talked with me, </span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: Georgia; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">"Just have a time out in here come back out when you're ready" - Lovely girl. Fantastic.</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: Georgia; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">After another 30 minutes of crying, she had to send me home.</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: Georgia; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">I was totally incapable of work.</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: Georgia; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">But I couldn't go home, my Ex would want to know why I'd gone home at 03:30 and me being so upset could ruin her interview composure. I couldn't do that to her.</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: Georgia; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">It was 3:30am and I had nowhere to go, nobody to turn to.</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: Georgia; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">I mean - 3:30am! Where on earth do I go in </span><span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: Georgia; font-style: italic; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Wigan</span><span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: Georgia; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"> at 3:30am on a Tuesday?</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: Georgia; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Asda?!</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: Georgia; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Get tee fuck!</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: Georgia; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">So I just drove. Nowhere to go, nobody to talk to, just me, a large, slow Nissan and the pot-holed roads of a small town that was very much asleep.</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: Georgia; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">I drove to our old houses, of which we had shared four. I drove past her parent's house to check for lights on - nope. I drove past my parents house to check for lights on.</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: Georgia; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Nada. Ziltch. Nothing.</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: Georgia; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">So I drove some more...</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: Georgia; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">And then, without really paying much attention to where I ended up, I stopped in a lay-by. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Georgia; white-space: pre-wrap;">I needed a drink and a proper cigarette. I'd look at my social media sites, a bit of YouTube, hoping that would help to kill a few hours until I could go home at the 'usual' time.</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: Georgia; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">But as I sat there in the lonely warmth of my car, staring at my beautiful wife's face on my phone screen, looking back through every captured memory we shared on Facebook, of holidays, parties... our wedding... I could only feel dread and pain. Tears fell off my face and onto the screen of my phone. I took off my glasses to dry my eyes, and when I put them back on the first thing I focused on was a truck's lights on the motorway beneath me.</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: Georgia; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Without really paying much attention, I'd stopped in a lay-by on a motorway bridge.</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: Georgia; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">I'd never given much thought to ending my own life.</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: Georgia; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Even through my own professional knowledge and my personal life that had been touched by suicide, I'd always viewed the act as a selfish, "A permanent solution to a temporary problem".</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: Georgia; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">And yet, there I was, giving more than enough thought to ending myself. Calculating the time it would take me to fall from the bridge to the tarmac below, how to time it to meet with a HGV as I landed. It felt like a solution. If I don't do it, I have nothing left. If I do it, I have nothing left. I can't function as a human, let alone do my job. Take me out of the equation, let people get on without me, let them be happy without me to fuck things up for them. I was to blame for every wrong in my life.
This was my time. This was when I would find peace.</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: Georgia; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">I didn't consider that I might </span><span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: Georgia; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">ruin other lives by taking my own, I was only concerned with not feeling this pain anymore. I just wanted to make it all stop.</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: Georgia; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">As I was about to leave my car for a closer look at the fall to the motorway below, when my phone lit up with a text message...</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: Georgia; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">From my mum?</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: Georgia; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">At 04:22?</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: Georgia; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">What the f......
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">Turns out she was awake with worry.<br />Worry I would do something stupid. Damn.<br />"Make me a brew, I'll be there in 5", I replied.<br />I drove the one and a half miles to my mum and dad's house, all the way thinking </span><br />
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><i>"So was that just coincidence, or do I believe in destiny now?</i><br /><i>As I was about to leave the car, perhaps for the last time, and my mum texts me because she's worried. As far as she knew, I was still at work... I can't even...".</i><br /><br />I got to their house, my dad was out on a night shift, my mum was alone.<br />I walked in the door and began to ball my eyes out, gripping my mum like a drowning person grips a floatation ring.<br />There was weight pressing me down, closer to my mum, I couldn't let go. My mum got upset as I held her sobbing, but I didn't have the heart to tell her what I'd just been through.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">"Just been sat reading stuff on my phone" I told her.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">When I finally got a grip of myself, we sat and talked for hours.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">I hadn't talked to my mum like that for years... if ever.<br />I rehashed the events of the last few years that had led me here, and being a good mum, she sat and listened. Handing me the occasional tissue, making coffee and giving me cigarettes.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><br />I decided to leave at around 8am so that I would get home at the usual time that I would on a night shift and my wife would have no idea anything was wrong when she went to interview. I called my GP to make an appointment to renew my sick note and then left my mums house.<br />I got home just as my wife (ex wife) was leaving, I wished her luck and sat down on the couch.<br />My mum text me to let me know my brother had taken the day off work because he was worried too... Are my family psychic?</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">A little while later when my wife (ex) returned home I told her everything, and as I expected, she got upset. Some nasty words were spoken and it was left that way until later that day...<br /><br />I shall not be going into detail here because it is not my place to talk about someone else's health situations, let alone my mum's. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">All I will say is that my mum received some bad news that day.<br />I'm proud to say that myself and my wife (ex wife) were there with her when she was being given the news, and despite the gravity of the situation with my mum, we managed to get our act together and bury the bullshit nasty words from earlier.<br />We rallied the family round to my mum and dads house, and told everyone the story to get us all on the same page. It was a bad day. Not the worst day I'd had this month, but it was sure close.<br />It's funny how life helps you find purpose and meaning in the absolute worst of shitty situations. Only 12 hours ago I was looking at suicide as an option, and yet now it was the furthest thing from my mind. Someone else's misery putting my own misery into context.<br /><br />The rest of this week was spent in much the same way as the last week.<br />Seeing friends, talking to people, trying to keep my head above water.<br />Spending days alone at home, getting to feel like 'the me I want to be'.<br />Until the Saturday.<br />On Saturday I conceded, I could not be around when my wife went out on a date.<br />I <i>certainly </i>couldn't be around when she got home... Just in case.<br />On Saturday morning I swallowed my pride...<br />I called a familiar number that I didn't even need to check in my phone...<br /><br />"Hiya mum, is it okay if I come home? I can't stay here anymore"... I began to cry.<br />It was all too much. I was faced with a world I did not recognise anymore.<br />My wife had become another person, a living ghost that my heart did not recognise.<br />My mums health issue had become serious and absolutely uncertain (at least at that time).<br />I was more depressed than I have ever been in my life.<br />I had no sense of self or worth.<br />I needed to be somewhere that there were people around me, I needed my family.<br />I needed home.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">My mum said that I was welcome and that they would clear out the spare room and sort </span><span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">out</span><span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"> </span><span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">some cupboard space for me.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><br />So on the afternoon of Saturday the 23rd, I began to pack. It was a long and drawn out affair, picking through memories and the possessions tied to them. I managed a couple of suitcases of clothes and some bits and pieces. As I write this, most of the large stuff I own is still in our house, (my Ex's house) because I have nowhere for it.<br />That night I got drunk again. And I mean <i>drunk.</i></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">I went to bed late. Tearful and late.<br /><br />Sunday. The day before my birthday. The day of my wife's (Ex's) date with a stranger.<br />I woke up at 10am, procrastinated, drank water, procrastinated some more and decided around noon to carry on packing the rest of what I couldnt live without.<br />But as I went to my room to do so, I sat on the bed and was frozen with fear and heartache.<br />I couldn't do it. I stared at a wall for an hour, thinking, wondering if this would ever be okay...<br />Then, snapping me out of my vacancy, my old friend, Pete messages me,<br />"Yo dude, you okay? I need someone to talk to if you're not busy"</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">I've never been so happy to read a cry for help,<br />"By all means, come over, you can give me a hand".<br /><br />He arrived and told me the tale of how him and a colleague stopped a woman from being raped in the early hours of the morning. In full public view just off a main road and how so many people could see but did nothing, and how the would-be rapist ran like a coward when he saw the size of Pete and his colleagues (security workers). And how they even took the girl home (One colleague was female, so it seemed appropriate to taxi her to safety) </span><br />
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">He did not accept my accolade of 'Hero'.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">He didn't help me to pack either. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">He was just <i>there</i> and to be honest... that was all I needed.<br />Someone to talk to, someone to keep me focused on the task and stop me from getting bogged down in,<br />"She bought me this chair for Xmas" or "Here's us at the Grand Canyon".<br />I packed my PC, clothes, makeup, toiletries and some paperwork and not a lot else.<br />We got finished up just as my wife (ex wife) got home from her morning shift.<br />So at least I didn't have to be around to see her dolling up for another man.</span><br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiUVwSOGR48VjcNK0OAWca2VUbH2q5fvOVcn4gozIbvJmecQ91radgeU-du2r6mjXp_z-NxHQgjLbbGd24lVia0XWL_WD4L9Y490sYsmm7ekQ1HjMTwitsWmMcOR-3Gc8wDIxv4bUpWyj8A/s1600/20170925_011054.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><span style="color: black;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1600" data-original-width="900" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiUVwSOGR48VjcNK0OAWca2VUbH2q5fvOVcn4gozIbvJmecQ91radgeU-du2r6mjXp_z-NxHQgjLbbGd24lVia0XWL_WD4L9Y490sYsmm7ekQ1HjMTwitsWmMcOR-3Gc8wDIxv4bUpWyj8A/s320/20170925_011054.jpg" width="180" /></span></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-size: small;">The face of misery</span></td></tr>
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><br /></span><span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">Pete, if you read this, you saved me that day, and that girl too. You are a hero! xoxo<br /><br />We took the boxes to my parents house, dumped them in the hall. Had a brew and then he left as I tried to unpack my old life to fit my new one.<br />This was it, the day my world changed, the day my old life ended. But it did not feel like the start of my new life. My new life should be as happy as my old one to even be considered a life. What I felt then wasn't life, it was limbo.<br />I got drunk that night too... And messaged my wife (ex wife) some embarrassing, regrettable stuff I am not entirely proud of... and yet here I am telling you lot about it!</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">I don't know why, but I snapped a photo of my drunk, miserable fucking face in the bathroom before bed. I think I intended it as a posterity measure... I mean if this is my baseline measurement, things can only improve, Right?<br />I drifted off to sleep in a vodka induced haze...</span><br />
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<span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: Georgia; font-style: italic; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">(Please take a moment to disable any ad-blocking software on your device.</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: Georgia; font-style: italic; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">If you're feeling particularly generous, why not click on one of them?</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: Georgia; font-style: italic; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">I monetise through google so it's all above board, no malicious malware, and if I've set it up right, at least one of the adverts will be targeted to you via your browser history.</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: Georgia; font-style: italic; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">I do this in my spare time, I am not a pro-writer, but due to some unforeseen life changes, I'm taking what I can get. Please help me out, click an ad. If you like the blog, share it with a friend, I really appreciate it xx) </span></div>
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Samantha Eccleshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02382858462312320435noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5759962727195395254.post-20644904458598967642017-12-08T14:23:00.003+00:002017-12-08T14:23:34.165+00:00The Middle. (of the end) <br />
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<span style="color: #666666; font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: x-small;">Live right now, Just be yourself,</span></div>
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<span style="color: #666666; font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: x-small;">It doesn't matter if that's good enough for someone else,</span></div>
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<span style="color: #666666; font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: x-small;"><span style="background-color: white;">It just takes some time,</span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #666666; font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: x-small;"><span style="background-color: white;">Little girl, you're in the middle of the ride,</span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #666666; font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: x-small;">Everything, everything will be just fine,</span></div>
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<span style="color: #666666; font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: x-small;">Everything, everything will be all right,</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">...I don't remember when time felt like it was moving again.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">I don't remember much more of the rest of that day, except mourning.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">Tears, talking, booze, take-out food, reminiscence, more tears and more talking.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">We talked about all of the people, places and things we'd loved,</span><span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"> </span><span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">hated, </span><span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">seen, done, eaten, drank, puked, partied, travelled to, said goodbye to in the last 12 years.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">I had striven for a different way through, an alternative ending to make the film happier.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">But I had to settle for director's commentary and post production notes.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: georgia, "times new roman", serif;">But there would be no bonus features, there would be no sequel.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">One thing was clear to me when we went to bed that night, this woman who I love dearly was no longer my wife, because in her eyes at the very least, I was no longer her husband.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">The next day, Sunday morning, I was out of the house early. My in-laws were coming over to help my ex-wife out, moving furniture (a bed) to the spare room etc</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">But that's not the reason I was leaving, I had to get to North Manchester from Warrington.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">I had a mission, something I had been planning for years. All the while terrified of the repercussions, convincing myself it would all be okay and then listening to anxiety's voice,<br />"Your friends will abandon you".<br />But now it didn't matter. I was already at my lowest ebb, so telling my friends that I have gender issues no longer registered on the difficulty scale.<br />The entire way to the first friend's house, I was moving between a state of panic over what I had to accomplish, to a state of absolute misery, fighting tears through songs, skipping the really tough ones entirely, then back to panic.<br />Rinse and repeat.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">I came out to two of my closest friends that day and also shared with them the news about the end of my marriage.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">Both of them, their own wives included, welcomed me with love and open arms</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">"As long as you're happy"... "We just want the best for you"...</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><a href="http://sometimessamantha.blogspot.co.uk/2016/09/why-didnt-i-say-something-sooner_53.html" target="_blank">Why hadn't I told them sooner?</a> They weren't rejecting or cruel. These were my friends, they loved me. I've never felt love from friends more than I did this day.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">I would go as far to say that I was quite overwhelmed. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">By tea time ('dinner time' for Southerners and 'Muricans) relief had allowed me to lower my guard. I was heading home and on the motorway when my Spotify betrayed me and it was too much. Lemme tell ya, 70mph and bursting into tears are not compatible.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">All because of bloody New Found Glory (I normally love them, but not that day).</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">I was only 10 minutes from home when I remembered;</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">"Shit! I'm supposed to be in work tomorrow", I called work from the car, my manager was on duty, so I went in to tell her the news. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">All of it. Face to face. Divorce, gender issues, the lot.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">I cried more in her office than I had all day, I was in no fit state to work. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">I was in no fit state... full stop. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">And to cap it off, I had taken my glasses off in my manager's office (crying, remember?) and whilst looking for a bin for the orange-sized ball of wet Kleenex in my hand, I saw a black circle on the floor and tossed the mucous soaked clump into it. After another bout of tears and finally drying my eyes, I put my glasses back on to see that the 'Bin' I had used previously was in fact, my manager's handbag!</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">"Lynne, why didn't you say anything?" I gasped</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">"You were just such a mess, I didn't have the heart to stop you!"</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">I laughed the most genuine laugh I'd made in over 48 hours and it felt good.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">Sorry again, Lynne (if you ever read this).</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">After more Spotify betrayal on my way home, I decided on radio. Spotify was shelved for a few weeks for the safety of myself and other road users. That night over more take-out food myself and My Ex Mrs essentially re-did the previous night's events in more of an abridged, 'Can we not dissolve into tears this time?' sort of fashion.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">We even found some happiness in play fighting over laying claim on silly things from the house that we each wanted to keep (I got the 'Domestic Goddess' apron), we did anything to avoid emotions.<br />We agreed to live together in the house until we could pay off our debts and save our own deposits for new places. My birthday was coming around again on the 25th, so we planned to still have a party for it on the 30th (after payday, obvs), despite all of the upheaval, because god-damn-it, it's my Birthday Party and I'll cry if I want to. I'd long planned a day when I would see all my friends together and they could meet me as Samantha. And this was to be that day.<br />Something to look forward to at least...</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">I woke up the following morning with an urge to go and tell more people. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">I needed to come out. But I also had to break the bad news, to try and figure out just how many people I was going to be able to lean on. In the coming days and weeks, I came out to just about everyone I care about staying close with.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">And you wanna know the best part about any of this tale so far?</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">Not one person...</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">Not. One. Person. Had any kind of negative or unkind thing to say to me.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">All I got was a chorus of;</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">"We only want you to be happy", "Your gender is not you. We love you because you're a good person", "You need to do what is right for you, nobody else". And my personal favourite</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">"You still like cars though, right?"</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">I can honestly say I feel humbled by my chosen family this year.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">I also feel truly sorry that I ever doubted them....</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">Fuck. *sigh* I'm crying just typing this...</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">This would be the day that I would cry in a house-wares shop because of love songs on the radio. Public place. Balling my eyes out. I had to leg it out of there.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">And... this was also the day that I stopped sharing a bed with my wife.<br />On Saturday we had agreed that we would both stay at our house, neither of us was in a fit state to move out, be it financially, emotionally or even physically.<br />But on Sunday, my inlaws had helped my wife move the sofa bed back into the spare room.<br />Nights are fucking lonely by yourself. It's even worse when the woman you love is only in the next room. She was there, but she was not.</span><br />
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<table cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="float: right; margin-left: 1em; text-align: right;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-yOKmrY97eKA/WiFswl-rVHI/AAAAAAAAB-w/UEJ7UmznH7EZUv1zOmvAK9BjOFPQFHxxgCEwYBhgL/s1600/telly.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1423" data-original-width="1600" height="284" src="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-yOKmrY97eKA/WiFswl-rVHI/AAAAAAAAB-w/UEJ7UmznH7EZUv1zOmvAK9BjOFPQFHxxgCEwYBhgL/s320/telly.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">TV power supply with blown capacitors vs the fruits of my soldering </td></tr>
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><br />Over the next few days I came out and broke bad news to more friends, repaired a broken TV power-board and cried intermittently at adverts like some kind of mad person.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><br />By Wednesday I was exhausted, I needed to recuperate from the last 7 days of relentless movement. I needed to chill.<br />I needed to be me. So i got dressed how I wanted to, not how I needed to, how I felt obliged to.<br />And that was the first day I felt better, more like myself. It wasn't much better than,</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">*<i>can refrain from crying for 3 hours</i>*<br />But it was better. A candle, a mile down the tunnel, kind of feeling.<br />A</span><span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"> diluted form of hope. </span><span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">Being dressed gave me a sense of what </span><i style="font-family: georgia, "times new roman", serif;">could</i><span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"> be, how I could eventually be happier with myself.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><br />I picked my wife up from work that night as I normally do.<br />But when she got in the car and told me<br />"I have something to confess, and I don't think you're going to like it"<br />My reflex response was<br />"Is it money?... Are you pregnant?" and to be fair to me, this would be <i>the worst</i> possible time to be pregnant. 18 years of child support payments ran through my head in a split second...<br />"No, none of those", she almost laughed as she said it.<br /><br />Then like an elephant sat on my chest, it dawned on me...<br />"You've met someone haven't you?"<br /><br />Her pause that followed, in reality was probably only two seconds, but felt like a hundred.<br />"No...." she said *Phew!*<br />"...well, not yet... Lets talk when we get home okay?"</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><br /></span><span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">So I drove. Mind racing. Heart breaking. My arms, literally shaking as they held my hands to the wheel.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><i><br /></i></span>
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><i>(Please take a moment to disable any ad-blocking software on your device.</i></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><i>If you're feeling particularly generous, why not click on one of them?<br />I monetise through google so it's all above board, no malicious malware, and if I've set it up right, at least one of the adverts will be targeted to you via your browser history.<br />I do this in my spare time, I am not a pro-writer, but due to some unforeseen life changes, I'm taking what I can get. Please help me out, click an ad. If you like the blog, share it with a friend, I really appreciate it xx)</i></span><br />
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Samantha Eccleshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02382858462312320435noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5759962727195395254.post-52229707276393135782017-12-01T16:05:00.001+00:002017-12-01T17:47:27.568+00:00The Beginning of the End... (Becoming a Statistic)<br />
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">I did that thing that I do, again, didn't I?</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">Make one post then leave you hanging for months...</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">I know, and I'm sorry, but what can I really do about it otherwise?</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">So, hello again!</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">This post has actually been a bit of a long time coming, but that makes it no more easy to sit here and type it all out for public scrutiny.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">But first, a little, or not so little re-cap on me.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">Okay, so over the years I have cultivated a modest following here.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">That's mainly been through my identity as a crossdresser or transvestite (don't really care which one you choose, it makes no odds to me) and sharing my own tips, tricks and personal opinions around dressing up like a lass.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">Regular readers, or really, anyone with the capability to <i>read my other entries (hint hint), </i>will know that over the last 18-20 months, my blog content has been changing, coinciding with my own changes in how I perceive myself and my gender.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">Who the hell am I then?</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">Well I am certain I am not a man.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">Ever since I was in my early teens, I have battled with low mood, seeking reprieve through alcohol and drugs, hobbies and distraction of any sort that could 'take me away'.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">Then in 2012, after a particularly low spell, I saw a doctor who diagnosed depression. The only times the depression lifted were via the above escapes or when I was presenting as a woman. So I began to dress more and more to help me feel better.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"> <i>I've always felt better when dressed. From childish sneaking around with my mum's clothes, to later years with my own clothes, and recently more complete feminine presentation with wigs, nails, shoes etc etc. Regardless of the extent to which I dressed, there was always one constant - Satisfaction, Joy, Elation. I felt happier when presenting as a woman. And I never read any more into it than "I dress to feel better".<br />Perhaps foolishly, I never really examined why I felt better that way.</i></span></div>
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<i><span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><br /></span></i></div>
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">While I was able to quell my dissatisfaction with life for short spells in the privacy of my own home, I would always end up having to go back to guy mode because that was my life, and never the twain would meet. (Or if they did, it was through small, calculated and considered measures to maintain secrecy and safety.) Very few people ever knew about my issues with gender conformity, and that's the way it stayed for some time.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">As time progressed, with myself and my wife both satisfied that my gender non-conformity was safely pigeon holed as transvestism, my fiance became my wife. And we began to plan the standard Man, Woman, kid and cats kind of life. But something was wrong. Something in me. And I didn't know it. Maybe I just didn't want to.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">I won't go into full detail because it's been discussed here previously and it won't do me any favours to re-hash it.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">Long and short of it is that in September of 2016, I told my wife and some members of our family that;</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"> I think it's more likely that I am transgender than transvestite. That I am increasingly unhappy living as a man, that I identify more with clothes/items/behaviours that society deems to be feminine. That I do not feel comfortable with my body, for a list of reasons as long as I am tall.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"> I concluded the 'issue' was only escalating and needed help dealing with it, I went to my doctor and asked for a referral to a GIC (Gender Identity Clinic) and she did so with the utmost professionalism and compassion and I'm now more than half way along the 18 month wait.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">It was at this time that my wife and I began going through harder times. We both knew that if I continued down this path of latent self discovery, then our relationship could not survive - My wife ,while a proud advocate for same sex marriage, did not sign up for a same sex marriage herself. We decided it would be best for me to present as Samantha more, just around the home, to get better acquainted with the idea of living as a woman as opposed to just doing it in spare time, to see if the hat fitted.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">I also reminded my wife that she had been promising to go on a night out with me, presenting as a woman, for over 2 years at this point, so we agreed that we would do this too.<br />(If the last two lines feel shoe-horned in, hold on a few minutes, and it won't do)</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: georgia, "times new roman", serif;">-0-0-0-0-0-</span></div>
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">Now if you're a regular reader, you will know that all of the above is only prelude to what I'm actually here to moan about today. If you're not a regular reader - then subscribe. And read all my other blogs, comment on them, '+1' them and share them. <i>(Hint-Hint)<br />(And while your at it, do me a solid and click your favorite add on this page for me? It's all through Google AdSense. It really helps me out and I appreciate it xx)</i></span></div>
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<i><span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><br /></span></i></div>
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">So, skip forward about, oh,11 months or so...</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">We still haven't done the night out and we had both been quite low (but I'm not revealing the intimate details of our relationship here - it's not even necessary for the story). I was at my wit's end with stress in work and coming home to different stress over an uncertain future.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">As respite, we planned a short break away, camping (following this trip, I am now certain I don't like camping. Actually, not that's not true, I would rather set fire to my tent and sleep in the car... that is to say I <i>hate</i> camping) in the last week in August '17 before Leeds First Friday (LFF) on the 1st of September.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">At last, something to look forward to for both of us! As I said, camping was utter guff. I don't need to say much more than "cold appendages and walking 1/4 mile to go to the toilet are not my idea of a good time".</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">But the Friday came mercifully quickly.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><br /></span>
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<table cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="float: left; margin-right: 1em; text-align: left;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiaWLbh0V5urfkIYSWSCQ7z7Nip4e5z84ruFeSv-M19QA5I4oLO76ZN9dyjErB9Mi_GPW1DM7F-mzijnXIsahADoReYe3nAi8dsCzGBOIpHuG2wvQo5-9HWUPrFjaiNFbwOgi7zjw7nTlfe/s1600/20170902_002617.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1419" data-original-width="1600" height="176" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiaWLbh0V5urfkIYSWSCQ7z7Nip4e5z84ruFeSv-M19QA5I4oLO76ZN9dyjErB9Mi_GPW1DM7F-mzijnXIsahADoReYe3nAi8dsCzGBOIpHuG2wvQo5-9HWUPrFjaiNFbwOgi7zjw7nTlfe/s200/20170902_002617.jpg" width="200" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Myself and Marissa in Bar Fiber</td></tr>
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">With another couple (close friends of ours, who had known about my issues for the past year), we headed over to LFF to paint Briggate red (pink, blue and white would also suffice).</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">Despite initial nerves, which I expertly quashed with a healthy dosing of Prosecco and Jack & Coke, I had what we northerners refer to as "A Fucking Belter" which, loosely translated means, "a highly agreeable period of</span><span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"> </span><span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">mirth augmented by</span><span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"> the consumption of alcohol". (LOL!)</span><br />
<table cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="float: right; text-align: right;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-tgUcB-B7xfY/Wgxh9pBcdeI/AAAAAAAAB-U/N9V1v1S4X_EyzLictsFQWcoAptQezta5gCEwYBhgL/s1600/20170901_230036.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1449" data-original-width="1600" height="180" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-tgUcB-B7xfY/Wgxh9pBcdeI/AAAAAAAAB-U/N9V1v1S4X_EyzLictsFQWcoAptQezta5gCEwYBhgL/s200/20170901_230036.jpg" width="200" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Myself and my wife in Smokehouse</td></tr>
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">I mean, who wouldn't do with a new dress, new hair, fresh nails and better quality makeup than they're used to?</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><br /></span></div>
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">I was happy. I was drunk and I was happy. My wife by my side and friends to support me.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">I was happy. Elated.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">Until the next day.</span><span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">After seeing to our hangovers with eggs, toast and coffee, we made the trek, back over the Pennines, past that mad bugger in the white house in the middle of the M62 motorway, dropped our friends off, then made our own way home.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">Got indoors, cup of coffee, Netflix on, chill out, and then allow the rest of my hangover to depart.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><br /></span><span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">Just as the theme music for Rick & Morty kicked in, m</span><span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">y wife began to cry</span><span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">I hated it when she cried. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">More so when tears and wailing made her incapable of telling me why she was so upset. I'd always felt so helpless and wounded seeing her cry. I just held her and waited for the storm to pass. I thought I knew what was coming. I thought this would all be okay in a day or two. But I was wrong.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">After what seemed like forever, the sobbing eased and she managed to start,</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">"I haven't seen you as happy as you were last night, in years..."</span></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">This was the truth I could not argue with it. As a rule, I don't like clubs, and we were in some very crowded, loud bars and clubs. And it didn't phase me. I was actually enjoying myself. It felt <i>right. </i>And not even 'right - for a night out', I just mean <i>Right. Correct. Appropriate...</i></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">"...And I can't carry on being the reason that you don't get to be that happy all the time..."</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">My hangover was gone now. Sobriety. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">Or was it? </span><br />
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">I felt sick, but not the hangover kind...</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">No, that was likely my heart turning to dust and making an attempt to leave my chest via my mouth.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">I couldn't speak. At first through shock and slow, dullard-like realisation of what was being said to me. Was my wife asking for a divorce?</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">I still couldn't speak. Only now it was because with the remnants of my heart now feeling like they were in my gaping, dry mouth, tears forming little streams on my cheeks, runny nose making it harder to breathe calmly, I couldn't manage more than a hyperventilated, </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">"Please, no, don't do this to me"</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">That is, at least what I think I attempted to say. I have no idea how it actually sounded as the collective volume of fluids in my head had begun a simultaneous evacuation of my facial glands and sinuses.<br />I can only imagine that it didn't look pretty.<br />She continued...</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">"Listen. You aren't happy as a man. I can see it, but you keep denying it to me. But I can't be happy with you as a woman. I'm not lesbian any more than you are a man. I love you, but this has to happen to give us both the chance to actually be happy..."</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">I was froze. Dumbfounded. This is everything I was afraid of, happening right then and there. It was at that moment I decided that after 5 years of vaping, I was a smoker again. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">She would later tell me that she had been hiding tears from me for months, taking herself away from me to let it out so that I wouldn't see. All because she didn't want me to feel bad. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">We still loved eachother, but my wife <i>was</i> asking for a divorce. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">And nothing I did or said that day, or any day after, could persuade her to reconsider...</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">This was the end of a 12 year period in both of our lives. It was the beginning of the end.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">That's when time stood still....</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><br /></span><span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><i>(Please take a moment to disable any ad-blocking software on your device.</i></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><i>If you're feeling particularly generous, why not click on one of them?<br />I monetise through google so it's all above board, no malicious malware, and if I've set it up right, at least one of the adverts will be targeted to you via your browser history.<br />I do this in my spare time, I am not a pro-writer, but due to some unforeseen life changes, I'm taking what I can get. Please help me out, click an ad. If you like the blog, share it with a friend, I really appreciate it xx) </i></span>
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Samantha Eccleshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02382858462312320435noreply@blogger.com0A571, Billinge, Wigan WN5 7PF, UK53.493866939110248 -2.712721824645996153.489143439110251 -2.7228068246459962 53.498590439110245 -2.702636824645996tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5759962727195395254.post-85240849523402950172017-06-24T00:46:00.000+01:002017-06-24T00:46:28.552+01:00Dysphoria/Euphoria<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">So lately I've been quiet.<br /><br />I know.<br /><br />It was a conscious decision to hold back a bit. I was getting ahead of myself.<br /><br />Anyhow, I'm only stopping by to drop this issue on you all.<br />Okay, so my identity situation is, in my eyes, transgender. I wish I was a woman, growing old in this body seems like a miserable prospect, I'm only content inside when I'm presenting female.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br />When I present female I feel right because I know I look (more) right.<br />I feel empowered, I feel beautiful, I feel like me.<br />And I'm lucky enough to be in a situation that permits me to dress for many hours at a time.<br />But something always happens at midnight when I go to start getting undressed...<br />I stall.<br />Every second possible.<br />I can stall for hours sometimes.<br />Anything to not wipe my face away and return to the male me.<br />Anything to hold on to the lucid dream that is feeling better in my own skin.<br />And it's depressing.<br />Stalling consists of sadness. Sadness and coffee.<br />"Stay up!"... "You can feel like this for longer if you stay awake"...<br />"Tomorrow you'll be him again, stay like this".<br />(If I heard voices, this is what they would say).<br /><br />Yeah, I could go to sleep in a nightdress. And have done. Can't enjoy something when you're asleep though.<br />I get down because when I wake up, instead of Samantha's face in the mirror, it will be his, and I will feel like dirt because I can't be <i>her</i> yet.<br /><br />Bummer eh?</span><br /><br />Samantha Eccleshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02382858462312320435noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5759962727195395254.post-63154778637380566722016-09-23T12:25:00.003+01:002016-09-23T12:39:31.246+01:00Why didn't I say something sooner?<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">-Is a question I'm sure you are familiar with if you are in anyway trans.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">Even if you are not trans, I'm certain you ask yourself this very question when you have a regret that you are dealing with.<br />"Why didn't I tell them sooner" or "Why didn't I do something when this all began"?<br /><br />Regrets are common place, but they seem to be part of a process, and blogging about this stuff is cathartic for me, putting things in black and white is a wonderful self analysis tool.<br /><br />-What are you banging on about?<br />Great question my dear, I'm glad you asked!<br /><br />So last night I came out to my parents.<br />If you need info on <i>why</i>, now, at 34 years of age, I'm now coming out to my parents?<br />Read the last blog I published, it has way more context than is necessary for my tale, but your insight into '<i>why</i>' will be easier for you to understand.<br /><br />I'd woken up yesterday morning, I was actually off to get my bloods taken (My GP has referred me to a GIC, and it's their policy that baseline bloods are taken to be analyzed for the referral criteria.)<br />But the first thing I said to my wife that morning, before I even opened my eyes, was<br />"I want to come out to my mum and dad"<br /><br />"It'll probably do you good" she said. I love this woman, she only wants me to be happy (Love you Em!).<br />I'd been awake until 1am, waking at 8am - On leave from work, so nice lie in really. I would have gotten more sleep, but I spent 3 hours reading people's coming out tales online.<br />Some made me cry with joy for the person, others made me weep with sadness at the hurt.<br />I was those people as I read their tales, because each one told me a future I might be facing.<br />Each one loaded my emotional cannons using a short fuse.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">I went about my day, went for bloods, took the Mrs to work, started a first draft of a coming out letter, (I want it to be perfect - it needs work LOL), then I went down stairs.<br />(My parents would be due over with my birthday card (25th by the way - 2 days away) as they would be busy over the weekend. This was to be the day.)<br />I sat for an hour, no TV on, just though, pre-planning what to say with my coming out letter fresh in my head, ideas were frequent but fleeting.<br />I planned a whole speech, it would have to do.<br />Then I saw them pull up outside, so I boiled the kettle and made tea while they let themselves in.<br /><br />We did the usual family thing first, tales from their recent holiday, bitching about the plumbing in our rented house. The usual. But I was tensing up the entire time.<br />I waited for a drop in the conversation, and then said,<br />"Right, so there is something I need to talk to you both about. And I need to tell you because this will effect my future."<br />They nodded along, allowing me the floor,<br />"It's something I've held on to for over 20 years, denying it, ignoring it, repressing it and recently accepting that it is just who I am. The feelings are only escalating, and I can't make them go away.<br />I'... I'_...."<br />I lost it. The pre-planned speech vanished from my thoughts.<br />I stopped, took a breath and...</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><br />"I'm transgender"</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><br />I silenced like I was expecting a bomb to go off in my face.<br />My dad was first to open his mouth,</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><br />"I thought you were ill or something, don't worry about it, we still love you"</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><br />My mum chimed in</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><br />"Me and ya dad are proud of both of you, (referring to my brother 2.5 years younger), we couldn't be happier with how you were raised. As long as you're both happy and healthy, then we are happy <i>for</i> you".<br /><br />The next 90 mins were a blur, honestly, I don't remember half of what I said.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">I must have hit them with what seemed like a shotgun of things I wanted to talk about after the sheer relief. But instead of giving them information, I think I just peppered them with buckshot introductions to concepts and matters they had no idea about.<br />I did tell them I was sorry for lying to them, they said they understood, "that I just wasn't ready to tell them yet".<br />I told them how shame was causing me to feel isolated and that I'm looking to break the cycle by coming out to family and friends, eventually the world. That my feelings were that only by 'normalising' a trans person and allowing them to be who they are can you escape the image of seedy crossdresser.<br />Do you know why people think it's pervy?<br /><i>It's because</i> you keep it a secret that people may assume it's something to be ashamed of.<br />And you know this. And you also know that the only way to stop the shame is to break free.<br />And that's what I did last night. My chest breathed in volumes it hadn't felt in days.<br />Much more was discussed, but for the purpose of the blog, it isn't necessary.<br /><i><br />-Why the regret then?</i></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">Because if I'd have been </span><i style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;">certain</i><span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"> that my parents wouldn't have reacted badly, I'd have told them ages ago. That this is who I am, and I need to get it off my chest.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">I regret not telling them.<br />I guess the process involved in regret is understanding yourself. I'm already starting to feel that my dad said it best - "You just weren't ready" and he must understand me better than I do myself.<br />Because he's right, I probably wasn't, this is a progressive problem with progressive milestones.<br /><br />You know what. Fuck regret. With a spikey one.<br /><br />Damn that felt good. :D</span>Samantha Eccleshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02382858462312320435noreply@blogger.com0Newton-le-Willows WA12, UK53.4536726 -2.624830599999995753.378039099999995 -2.7861920999999956 53.5293061 -2.4634690999999957tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5759962727195395254.post-76295348867279059892016-09-14T13:08:00.002+01:002016-09-14T13:08:48.910+01:00I know, I know, I've been away for ages...<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><i>But I do have something of an excuse.</i></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">So most of you know me as Samantha, the crossdresser/transvestite.<br />It's been a facet of my identity for some 20 years or more.<br />Like many I would steal, hide and lie my way to a compulsion I did not</span></span><span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;"> </span><span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;">fully</span><span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;"> understand.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">Through childhood there was shame, guilt and denial.<br />When I started to buy my own female clothes the guilt and lies (to my, now, wife) ended, and then shame fell off too. I started to feel less grim about my gender presentation.<br />I'm still lying and for the most part I'm still hiding, just not in my own home now.<br />And life was good this way. I've spoken before of the freedoms agreed with my wife, so I won't go into detail.<br /><br />But lately, I've begun to recognise feelings. Some have always been present but never meant anything by themselves and perhaps worse, I never added them up. Some feelings are new though, and some old feelings have evolved or are evolving.<br />And it's the combination of these old and new feelings, now added up, that make me question my gender, the one that I present to the world every day.<br />I'm questioning if I need to pursue transition as the answer I never knew I needed.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">It's the feeling's, described above, I am going to discuss here.<br /><br /><u><b>I've always felt different.</b></u></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b><u><br /></u></b>Yeah, I know we're all beautiful, unique snowflakes, but I never felt that I was normal at my core.<br />I've always felt like a freak. Even with my best friends, I don't feel that I am 'like' them.<br />We share the usual roots of solid friendships (shared interests, history, care for one another), but I never ever feel I belong. Never did.<br />After years of living this way, I began to assume that this is how everyone feels, but they just never talk about it. But the closer I get to my friends, the less I believe this to be the case.<br />The only person I don't feel like this around is my wife. I shared this with her over the weekend in a heartbreaking wave of emotions in the second long talk we had this last week about why I believe I could be transgendered.<br /><u><br /><b>I've always hated the classical male characteristics of my body.</b></u></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><u><b><br /></b></u>That is to say, I've always disliked my body hair, facial hair, I hate that my scalp hair is thinning. But again, I knew that everyone hates things about themselves, but they don't really talk about them (at least men don't) and I thought this to be an aspect of self loathing. (Another reason I never linked this to crossdressing was that I have never hated my penis, and nor do I today. It brings me and my my wife a great deal of enjoyment, and it was my assumption that all trans women hate their penis.)<br />But as time moves on, I find that I'm disliking more and more of my own outward male reflection in the mirror. My jaw and chin, my nose and my brow being the worst offenders. I want bigger hips, I'm getting breast envy. I'm noticing myself seeing the shape of boobs under the clothing of women in the street/at work/everywhere and thinking<br />"I want that, I want to be like her". I am aware these are not typical cis male thoughts, which leads me to question myself.<br />I am either indifferent or disliking of how I look as a male. But when I present as a woman, I feel good about myself, I <i>actually like</i> how I look. (I still dislike my male aspects and characteristics, but I feel about 80% better about it).<br /><br /><u><b>Dealing with depression.</b></u></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><u><b><br /></b></u>I've been through depression. The worst time was due to external triggers (money, environment, work/home life balance) and that was cured when all of those factors changed for the better.<br />But even after sorting my life out, I still feel like something is still not right, something inside me. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">When I wrote earlier about my friends and how I don't truly feel like them, I feel like a facet of this is linked somehow with depression. Like the two are intertwined in a 'chicken and the egg' conundrum. (Did the depression cause the feelings of being different, or did those feelings cause the depression). I can't pinpoint when the feelings started, but I definitely had them throughout highschool.<br />Now I begin to wonder if those feelings and the depression are markers for internal conflict.<br />I've never hidden the fact that crossdressing and presenting female are not a sexual or fetishistic act for me (It was, when I was a kid, but that has faded with time. Generally if I'm presenting as a woman and I feel aroused, it's likely that I would have been aroused just the same in drab). </span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">For as long as I've been buying my own clothes and talking time and effort in my presentation, I have been dressing for me. Dressing to make myself feel better, like a crutch for the stress I live(d) under. A coping mechanism to deal with life.<br />And that's how I had always accepted crossdressing in my life.<br />But as I find less and less of my masculine traits to be acceptable and as I see more and more everyday women that I instantly get jealous of, I <i>have</i> to question why this is.<br />I question how much of my depression is linked with my transgenderism.<br />Because like my depression, the white noise of dysphoria is silenced when I'm having fun or am otherwise distracted, but once I'm resting or otherwise idling, the noise is right there waiting to turn up the volume again. Same with</span><span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"> alcohol and other intoxicants, I could always feel better in depression with some social lubricants. Only for it to return once I'm sober again. The same is true of my questioning internal monologue.</span><span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><br /><br /><u><b>Envy</b></u></span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><u><b><br /></b></u>The 6th deadly sin. (OMG did my catholic up-bringing show, there?)<br />I've brushed over this, but I feel like it deserves attention, because of all the new feelings I've realised in the last few months, this is the strongest.<br />I'd previously discounted envy as a symptom of being transgender (ie needing hormones and 24/7 living) due to something I read on a forum (can't remember which one) a long time ago. A particular user was asking about breast implants for crossdressing, which in honesty, I recognise to be a wrong move for a CD who wants to live mainly as male. The user spoke of 'boob envy' and how they longed for real breasts.<br />One of the replies to that person was something to the effect of.<br /><i>"Every crossdresser in a low-cut dress wants boobs"</i><br />And with that, my thoughts of Envy=Transgender were shot down.<br />I've had boob envy for a while. But recently, a deeper form of Envy or jealousy has sprung to life. It's no longer mere aesthetic parts like hair, nails, makeup, bigger hips and breasts. While these are aspects I wish were mine, (which is why I attempt to emulate most of it when I dress), but now I feel like I want more.<br />Wishing I could be like any other woman on the street just going about her business. Being jealous of women's place in the world and how they are treated never used to be an issue. And here's the crux of my issue, I'm aware that women are proverbially shit on constantly, whether in their salary, their place in society, or are viewed as inferior when they earn positions of authority or power...<br />But I'm still envious of being able to live a life that is authentically female, despite the limitations and inconveniences that it brings.<br />Even for the sake of going into Primark looking around in the womens section, picking up a basket full of stuff, trying it on, buying it and nobody batting an eye.<br />Going to a Mac counter and having my makeup done in public and picking up a few things while I'm there, and nobody would stare.<br />And yeah, even down to waking up in a morning with bin-mouth (breath) and having my hair a mess and mascara smeared across my face and pillow before having to go shower to rinse and repeat.<br />I used to think that envy was wanting something beautiful, and to an extent it still is.<br />But I'm begining to think that wanting to <i>be</i> beautiful has more to do with envy than anything I previously knew (but that just might be another deadly sin manifested as vanity).</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">I kept the feelings from my wife for a couple of months as I didn't want to go to her with fleeting ideas, it would only upset her and I would lose her trust and respect if my mind changed. But it didn't, it stayed the same. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Nagging me. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Relief sought in distraction as normal, and this worked , but only until the distraction was gone.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Last Thursday (today is Wednesday), I needed to make the guilt stop.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">The last 5 days since I came home from work after breaking down in tears on the job have been a mess. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">I'm not pouring out the details of my marriage on the internet for all to see, but </span><span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;">I think it's enough to say that we're still together, we still want children, neither of us wants to lose the other.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">The hardest thing is that I'm still looking for answers as she begins to look for them and this creates uncertainty for our future. A future I believe my wife is mourning. Because worst case scenario for our marriage is that I need to go and live as a woman, and my wife isn't attracted to women.<br />And I have to accept that.<br />Many tears have been cried, many words have been spoken, much alcohol has been consumed. And all of the above will come in greater amounts in the future, I'm sure.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">After some discussion with my wife in the last few days, I went to my GP yesterday morning and asked for a referral to a GIC and to a psych. who has some kind of background in gender therapy. </span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">My GP was lovely, asking about how I and my wife are doing, how I'm likely to feel better for taking this step and how she admired me for my bravery in taking action to find my answers. She assured me she would send the referral to a GIC (either Sheffield or Leeds) and that she would speak to local psych. Doctors about possible counselling/assessment for the interim period (the waiting time for GIC appointments, as of August this year is 86 weeks).</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Also last night, my wife and I went to a local trans support group. Mainly due to my wife's request to attend such a thing, she needs answers as much, if not more than I do.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">It was nice to see other trans people in the world, but I was so nervous and the group was so small, it felt awkward. I might go back, we shall see.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">It didn't really give me any sort of clue to an ultimate answer of any sort. But I know they are there there and, really, that's sort of enough for now.<br /><br />I'm still really confused. I don't know what any of this means anymore.<br />I am not a typical crossdresser, I know this for sure. I am transgender, I also know this for sure.<br />What I don't know any more is where I sit on the spectrum of TG identity.<br />Am I in need of transition to cure the internal struggle? Or is it possible that coming out as Non-binary/Gender Fluid to my family and friends may help by allowing my feminine self to be a bigger part of my life in general?</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Any advice, comments or questions are welcome as always.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">TTFN</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Samantha -x-</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><br /></span>Samantha Eccleshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02382858462312320435noreply@blogger.com0Newton-le-Willows, UK53.457130981470407 -2.619544645385758553.452403481470405 -2.6296296453857586 53.461858481470408 -2.6094596453857584tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5759962727195395254.post-37112301743035681712016-04-09T15:29:00.001+01:002016-04-09T15:33:34.204+01:00How does your attraction to women affect how you choose to present ?<span style="background-color: white; color: #990000; font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">A Lady named Sara7391 posted a question on a forum for CD's which I know to frequent (check me out, getting all posh :D), and my reply went on so much of a tangent that I decided to post the content here. I thought it was a great question and it's something I've wanted to blog about for a while.<br />So here it goes;</span><br />
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Are you a boob man, leg man or a butt man and does this influence the way you dress?</i></h2>
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<i>A question for hetrosexual and bisexual MTF dressers. What physically attracts you to women and do you think it influences the way you dress?</i><br />
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<i>Of course, there's much more to attraction than how a woman looks, but which do you prefer - boobs, legs, butts or something else?</i><br />
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<i>For me, it's legs all the way. I'm sure this influences the way I dress as I simply wouldn't bother if I couldn't wear hose/tights, dresses/skirts and high heels.</i></blockquote>
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<span style="color: #990000; font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">And here is my reply.</span><br />
<span style="color: #990000; font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">This is a bit tangented, you have been warned ;)</span></div>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiHdIXBFlFhzgosFJ1WM4bHfhiKZX3OEH6TbZRqCmYmMijK99ckwFauSKd0il-iT6hUyl2-SWpEbeoKlqmXSc3CLw55CfvFMAin2arWmV5kRzY01IDs_sJ8H43xkcIL5maCBX15kXidyWYd/s1600/20150818_122948.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiHdIXBFlFhzgosFJ1WM4bHfhiKZX3OEH6TbZRqCmYmMijK99ckwFauSKd0il-iT6hUyl2-SWpEbeoKlqmXSc3CLw55CfvFMAin2arWmV5kRzY01IDs_sJ8H43xkcIL5maCBX15kXidyWYd/s320/20150818_122948.jpg" width="180" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Typical me - body-con dress and<br />
long hair.</td></tr>
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<span style="background-color: white;"><br /><span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">When I was younger ie sub 22 years, it was all about the boobs.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><span style="background-color: white;">As I got older I started finding more and more appreciation for the ladies deriere. (I went posh again). </span><span style="background-color: white;">Then legs, then tiny wasits, slender but curved neck lines... I think a lot of people appreciate more and more features as they age.</span></span><br />
<span style="background-color: white; font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">(I'm about to sound like I believe that the person behind the body is irrelevant, but if anything it's equally if not more important.)</span><br />
<span style="background-color: white; font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">But I think it's just far better to look at the overall package ie; how do her hips relate to her shoulders?</span><br />
<span style="background-color: white; font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">How narrow is her waist in relation to her bum and boobs?</span><br />
<span style="background-color: white; font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">What are her legs like and how much of her overall height do they account for?</span><br />
<span style="background-color: white; font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">Pretty cold way to look at women, but this is only part of the admiration I have for women, I just want to make that clear :) I view women to be beautiful complex people and most of them have beautiful qualities that may not be aesthetic.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><br style="color: #222222; font-family: Verdana, Arial, Tahoma, Calibri, Geneva, sans-serif; font-size: 13px;" /></span>
<span style="background-color: white; font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">However, analyzing the ideal female form, (or at least my opinion of the ideal form), in this way definitely changes how I dress and how I present my body.</span><br />
<span style="background-color: white; font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">I dress in clothes I see women of the 'ideal form' wearing, particularly when I like the style. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><span style="background-color: white;">I'm a sucker for dresses and skirts because I view these to be the most feminine attire that's easy to wear. ie no stylish playsuits - Nightmare to go to the toilet with (My wife tells me so LOL</span><span style="background-color: white;">).</span></span><br />
<span style="background-color: white; font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">I tend to wear my hair fairly long as I find the shorter a ladies hair is, the less 'feminine' I view them to be in general (exceptions are out there though, some girls pull it off easily, but I find that far too many just make bad decisions). I do however wear a shorter brown wig sometimes when I feel like an outfit might look better with it (being a CD can be so convenient)</span><br />
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Note - 50's theme, but shows off my<br />
artificial curves.</td></tr>
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<span style="background-color: white; font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">I cinch my waist line to imitate the natural curve that women have in the waist, at least it does in my 'ideal form'. The tummy flattening is a bonus ;) but it can feel a bit restricting from time to time. But I'm happy with the trade off to look 'more feminine'.</span><br />
<span style="background-color: white; font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">I would also like to try hip/butt padding, but I am put off because I think I would find it more of a hindrance than a help when sitting down.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><span style="background-color: white;">I like the emulation stuff as long as it doesn't get in my way. (although I did learn to type okay in nails... this gets me thinking, maybe I need to delve into padding?</span><span style="background-color: white;">)</span></span><br />
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<span style="background-color: white; font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">Given all this I like to wear clothes that 'show off' my reasonable level of emulation to their fullest, so it's usually a body-con dress, a peplum, skinny jeans or leggings with a nice top....</span><br />
<span style="background-color: white; font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">But something else I'd love to try is a nice 50's style swing dress with a little bit of cleavage and a fitted waist with a cheeky petticoat underneath (I'm loving the rockabilly/retro style thing at the moment). </span><br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhOI6OFm_sFujUWsWTlExEqBpxMkWUTjFYami_IRvVjiGR4xRaMYsAdp__glQsg8lc5k2cqFVcENmRIN31tiQslPmV_9RXTP4O-iac3W3JN_bu2MWyftkK2m6XdxNWwUQq4iV6LROUTT3lK/s1600/0023-1950s-Rockabilly-pinup-halter-neck-fashion-polka-dots-swing-dress-sexy-vest-slip-dress-in.jpg_640x640.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="252" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhOI6OFm_sFujUWsWTlExEqBpxMkWUTjFYami_IRvVjiGR4xRaMYsAdp__glQsg8lc5k2cqFVcENmRIN31tiQslPmV_9RXTP4O-iac3W3JN_bu2MWyftkK2m6XdxNWwUQq4iV6LROUTT3lK/s320/0023-1950s-Rockabilly-pinup-halter-neck-fashion-polka-dots-swing-dress-sexy-vest-slip-dress-in.jpg_640x640.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">I would love to get something like this.</td></tr>
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<span style="text-align: center;"> </span><span style="background-color: white; font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif; text-align: center;">I guess how I dress really does come from a shallow place most of the time. dressing in what I view to be attractive.</span><br />
<span style="background-color: white; font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">But it comes from a place of absolute worship of women, my wife will always be the only one for me, but I dress to look my absolute best because I get dressed once a week, not every day.</span><br />
<span style="background-color: white; font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">It's okay for people to go out for the night looking their absolute best once a week, so I believe its also fine for me to look my feminine best.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><span style="background-color: white;">I also don't like getting dressed up in drab mode most of the time. I just feel like women get the better deal when it comes to glamming up and changing how they look, </span><span style="background-color: white;">with only the aid of clothes and makeup, hairstyles, nails, shoes... everything I love the most about dressing.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><br style="color: #222222; font-family: Verdana, Arial, Tahoma, Calibri, Geneva, sans-serif; font-size: 13px;" /></span>
<span style="background-color: white; font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">Some may find this to mean I dress for sexual reasons, a sort of narcissism. Hmm, perhaps, </span><br />
<span style="background-color: white; font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">but I don't focus too much on this because that's not who I am.</span><br />
<span style="background-color: white; font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">Remember, if you dress for 'how you feel your best', it's never a bad thing.</span><br />
<span style="background-color: white; font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">If you work hard to look as feminine as you can, and you feel your absolute tip-top best for your labors, then you can wear what you like (within reason - haha</span><span style="background-color: white;"><span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">)<br /><br /><span style="color: #990000;">--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------</span><br /><br /><br /><span style="color: #990000;">Well there it was. Thanks for having a look.</span><br /><span style="color: #990000;">I enjoyed this because I found it to be therapeutic to lay out some truths.</span><br /><br /><span style="color: #990000;">Thanks for reading, if you have any comments or questions, just ask in the comments below.</span><br /><span style="color: #990000;">TTFN</span><br /><br /><span style="color: #990000;">Samantha xx</span></span></span><br />
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<span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: "verdana" , "arial" , "tahoma" , "calibri" , "geneva" , sans-serif; font-size: 13px;"><br /></span>Samantha Eccleshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02382858462312320435noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5759962727195395254.post-19510316945370445612015-09-19T15:19:00.000+01:002015-09-19T15:19:09.912+01:00...And the results are in!<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">I'd just like the extend a big <b><i><span style="color: magenta;">"Thank YOU"</span> </i></b>to everyone who took part in the survey.<br />When I posted the survey, I honestly believed that I would get about 300 responses to this, <br /> but then I saw it hit over 2oo in just a few days, I began to hope for 500.<br />Then when it got to 500 I thought "Right! TOO THE MOON! ONE THOUSAND!"....<br /><br /><br />I think I got carried away.<br /><br />We've closed entries at 740 responses total (Nice full number isn't it? Not 739 or even 741. No, 740 is our number. :D I'm really pleased because this will turn out much better quality data than my initial hope for 300.<br /><br />And yet I'm disappointed somehow. I have to account for voter apathy, but it just seems like there should be more of us. I know there are more of us.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">I looked at numbers in all of the websites I frequent, and in terms of user base, the numbers here pale in comparison. I'm not sure what to make of it.<br /><br />But that does not mean that our data wont be useless.<br />The link to the survey was accessible via a few websites</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">My google+ profile, my blogger, crossdressers.com forums, Transtastic and TVchix.<br />It may have been shared elsewhere, but I doubt it somehow.<br />This means all respondents but have been English speaking and have internet access.<br />They are also likely to be the level of crossdresser who might want to know about themselves a bit better and meet people like themselves.<br />I find it unlikely that there many 'hairy panty wearer' types who responded to this.<br />I wont bore you with my own assumptions about the type of person who <i>has</i> responded, I'll let you judge that for yourself.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">In the name of transparency, I am making both the table of results and the analytic graphs available to every one. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">Here is the link for the table - <a href="https://docs.google.com/spreadsheets/d/1togRxLgrY18J7MuyHYpbjOdAan2Hv-UwWf-Aa3h37WQ/edit#gid=1972670530" target="_blank">Click Me </a></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">Here is the link for the analytic graphs - <a href="https://docs.google.com/forms/d/1HGXTLnCa3W5CU1lLxkFT-VtsxMuj0MROXANWnFEN-g8/viewanalytics#start=openform" target="_blank">Click Me<br /><br /></a></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"> As for my own thoughts on the results?<br />Well as for biggest surprise, the award has to go for question 2. I honestly though that the biggest age group would be the 40-50 crowd, maybe the 30-40 group. But no!<br />It was those feisty fifty-somethings that are having the most girl time! <br />I was also saddened to be reminded of just how many of you kept this all from your wives until after you were married. I remember that burden. I wish luck to all of you yet to come clean.<br />I also learn that I need to speed up my makeup skills, because getting ready takes a massive majority of you less than 1 hour. Averaging at 2 - 2.5 hours, I need to move a bit quicker getting ready LOL.<br /><br />It's interesting to look at the broader picture in a concise and easy to read form and fun to see where you sit in that broader picture.<br /><br />Thank You all again for taking part.<br />I had fun with this :D<br /><br />Don't forget to comment and share!<br /><br />Samantha<br />xx<br /><br /><br /><br /><br /></span>Samantha Eccleshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02382858462312320435noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5759962727195395254.post-75430806925414557422015-08-18T13:56:00.000+01:002015-08-18T13:56:50.064+01:00Samantha! Where have you been?<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">Yeah, sorry about the interlude there everyone, but I've been quite busy.<br />And that's not just an excuse, I have genuinely been up to my eyeballs.<br /><br />For one - My Girlfriend became my wife at the end of May.<br />Yes, I got married!<br />My long suffering lady actually wanted to marry my sorry ass *Smirk*.<br />It's kinda weird, people always say "Our wedding day was the happiest day of our lives" and I always thought that was just 'the done thing' to say. That is until I went through it for myself.<br />Now I fully appreciate what people are talking about when they say it.<br />Not only is it you, proclaiming your love for each other in front of everyone you both hold dear and making vows to each other (I cried at that part - LOL).<br />But you get to have an entire day that 's all about the two of you, everyone is happy for you, everything is taken care of by the venue owners (in our case anyway) so there is no stress, and then there is Jack Daniels and all your friends and family to party with you.<br />Literally the best day ever.<br />Bar none.<br />I just wonder where the day went, because it was over far too quickly.<br /><br />It's also nice to be a reminder to people that despite my transvestic ways, my Mrs has decided that I am still the one she wants in her life. It means even more to me, having her know about me being (sort of) two people, and all the crap that comes with that, and still wanting me around forever.<br />Let's hope she doesn't change her mind.<br /><br />Anyway, then there was the honeymoon. We traveled over five-thousand miles to Las Vegas, Nevada.<br />What a week that was. Not going to give away loads of info because I don't want anyone tracking me down via here. Lets just say, I would go again tomorrow, without question.<br />I think before the legal drinking age, Disneyland is the happiest place on earth, after that age, Vegas is the happiest place on earth, LOL.<br />I am a little disappointed with one thing however - Didn't see a single Crossdresser, Transvestite, T-Girl, Transexual or anything all week. TV has greatly misled me.<br />Either that or they all passed me with flying colours.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /><br />Then after the honeymoon we had to come back down to earth.<br />Back to life, back to reality...<br /><br />Then its been work, sleep, repeat ever since.<br />The Mrs ended up working a load of nights, I was on days, until the weekend just gone, we had 2 days off together over 5 or 6 weeks. And it sucked.<br />Newly-weds separated by their work rotas. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">Who would be a nurse? I ask you.<br /><br />So the odd chance I had to dress was always at night. This is because I try to dress in my time off when she isn't home (is at work), not because she doesn't want to see it, but because she wants quality time with her fella, and I want quality time with my wife, and when Samantha is out, romance isn't on the cards. So rather than waste time with her because I'm dolled up, I keep it to times when I can do as I please, as much as I can.<br />But this has the knock on effect that I never want to sit and write to my blog at night, I'd rather pour myself a glass of vino and hit up a chatroom while the social fuel is flowing.<br />But today is different, so here I am to give you the catch-up.<br /><br />My birthday is only 5 weeks away too. I've been looking on <a href="http://www.quizclothing.co.uk/" target="_blank">Quiz</a> and <a href="http://www.lindybop.co.uk/?gclid=CJ6mhOri7MMCFQITwwod_ZEAuA" target="_blank">LindyBop</a></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">a fair old bit. I also fancy a new hair do (wig) and some shoes. But then when do I <i>not</i> fancy some new heels?<br /><br />Oh and while I have your attention, I was just wondering if you (yes, <i>you!</i>) would mind doing me a favour.<br />Those of you who follow me in other places will already have seen that I'm running a <a href="https://docs.google.com/forms/d/1HGXTLnCa3W5CU1lLxkFT-VtsxMuj0MROXANWnFEN-g8/viewform" target="_blank">survey</a> at the moment, it's going to be running for another 3 weeks before I tally the results.<br />So if you can spare me 5 minutes and you're a male crossdresser/transvestite, please just fill it in for me - several people have said it was even fun!<br />It's not for anything serious or academic, and the results will only be published here and some CD focused social sites.<br /><br />And that about brings me up to date with you guys n gals.<br /><br />Thanks for stopping by, and if you have and comments or queries, drop me a line in the comments below, I always try to reply to anyone who cares enough to write me back.<br /><br />TTFN<br />Samantha xx</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">PS - Almost forgot, obligatory selfies :D</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span><span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>Samantha Eccleshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02382858462312320435noreply@blogger.com0Newton-le-Willows, Merseyside, UK53.45243589336409 -2.61337280273437553.44770789336409 -2.6234578027343751 53.45716389336409 -2.6032878027343749tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5759962727195395254.post-28588062547776613782015-04-04T13:07:00.000+01:002015-04-04T13:16:35.034+01:00Sissy Girls Make The Rest Of Us Look Bad?<div>
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Hello again everyone.<br />It's been a while.<br /><br />Don't worry, I'm well, it's just sometimes my CD life doesn't have a great deal happening and my guy life will have everything happening, and that just makes it hard to write a good chunk of...<br />Well, anything really. Let alone anything that anyone will really want to read and stick with.<br /><br />That isn't to say I haven't been checking in and blocking people from my Flickr and Google+.<br />I'm taking zero chances now when it comes to my privacy. That's just how it is.<br />If someone has a problem with my policy on blocking anyone I cant trust, then leave me a comment below, and I will explain in full why you are wrong :D.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Anyway, lets get down to brass tacks.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">A couple of weeks ago, I was browsing a forum when I came across a post about 'Sissy Empowerment' or something to that effect.<br />Essentially, stating that sissy girls are often suppressed in Trans scenes, labelled as the fetishistic odd balls.<br /><br />(For those of you who don't know, sissies are a sort of niche within crossdressing. I think I've covered this in a previous blog, but I will indulge you.<br /> Here is a definition from urban dictionary</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: white; font-size: 16px; line-height: 22.3999996185303px;"><i><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">a boy or man who enjoys little girls clothing. Especially babyish clothing. Lots of frills. Not always straight or gay. Likes to be treated like a babygirl. Likes tea partys and playing with dollys.</span></i></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: white; font-size: 16px; line-height: 22.3999996185303px;"><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Which kind of looks a bit like this </span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><span style="background-color: white;"><span style="line-height: 22.3999996185303px;">Not that the above sissy is any way promiscuous, but very often, sissy gurls will talk about fantasies of being used and abused. A quick search on the internet will show you what I'm talking about, but I'm not going to bring that in here. </span><br /><span style="line-height: 22.3999996185303px;">Note - Hyper-feminine appearance, with lots of makeup and pink everything, lots of frills, satin, you might as well dump a pound of sugar in her handbag and use cinnamon as bronzer (sugar and spice...). Essentially, a very stereotypical embodiment of femininity.)<br /><br />Now we have that out of the way.</span></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><span style="background-color: white;"><span style="line-height: 22.3999996185303px;">You may be able to appreciate why they get labelled and shunned.<br />Hell, I shunned them more than most. They act like a cartoon of a woman, they dress in the same mindset, they were everything I was <i>not</i> trying to convey with my own appearance.<br />I wanted to create a femme image, but a more believable, less flamboyant femme image than they were creating. Many of them would go into the chat rooms that I went in, asking for men to be their 'daddy'.... It gets weirder, but I will leave it there.</span></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><span style="background-color: white;"><span style="line-height: 22.3999996185303px;">They were my enemy. All I wanted was to look like a woman, then the sissy's come along and inject their chauvinistic view of women into the woman/girl they are dressed up as. Their interests were not makeup techniques, stylish dresses or cool nails.<br />They were sexual favours and fantasy, a skew of crossdressing I wanted (and still want) no part in.<br /><br />It's fair to say, I saw myself as superior to them.<br />My appearance was not driven by male opinion of what a woman should be...<br /><br />Or was it?<br /><br />After all, we share many traits such as heavy makeup to hide the male features, desire to be as feminine as we can possibly feel...<br />I began to consider that while nothing like me, Sissys are actually a lot like me.<br /><br />And <i>that</i> is the crux of why I hated them.<br />I got mad that men and other CDs began assuming I myself, identified as a sissy.<br />They spoke to me like dirt, they send pictures of their penis to me expecting me to appreciate the gesture. Not one of them was let off the hook, they all felt the sting of my keyboard in full CAPS LOCK RAGE MODE - UNLEASH FURY!!</span></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><span style="background-color: white; line-height: 22.3999996185303px;">And then I started to think, it's not sissies I was mad at, it was the douche nozzle idiots messaging me. I was mad because they didn't know the difference between a CD and a Sissy.<br />Probably the same type of moron who refers to a transexual woman as a 'shemale'.</span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><span style="background-color: white; line-height: 22.3999996185303px;">Ignorant and rude ass-holes - that's who I was mad at. Not the sissies.<br /><br />But they <i>do </i>kinda fuck things up for us crossdressers and transvestites who want nothing to do with frills or daddy, and even less to do with random men looking to have sex with us.<br /><br />But then I step back and think, this whole trans thing...</span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><span style="background-color: white;"><span style="line-height: 22.3999996185303px;">It's a vast, diverse community with niches and skews many people can not fathom, myself included. And unfortunately there are also ignorant rude ass-holes who will tar us all with the same brush. So while it used to be very easy for me to disrespect Sissy girls and believe they are inferior to me (I do look better than most of them though LOL), I now can't, with clean conscience, continue to hold that mindset.<br />We're all equal, even to the ignorant ass-holes (it probably isn't their fault that they don't know any better, but I'll still wipe the floor with them when they don't), even sissies.<br /><br />I'm not saying long live sissies.<br />I am however saying;<br /><i>Long live Equality and Diversity.</i><br /><br />Without them, the world would be a very boring place, and I probably wouldn't be sat here feeling fine in a cute dress.</span></span></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><span style="background-color: white;"><span style="line-height: 22.3999996185303px;"><br />I don't mean to go all 'Peace, Love, Stop War' on you, but next time someone pisses you off, just think about where they are coming from. Educate them. Then try again.<br />You may be outnumbered, but you don't have to be out-gunned.<br /><br />I'd actually really like to hear everyone's input on Sissies and other niches in CD/TV land.<br />Do they give us a bad reputation? Do they normalise the ideal that women are walking sex toys? Are they a by-product of over exposure to pornography?<br /><br />Let me know below.<br /><br />I'll see you all soon,<br />Love,<br />Samantha -x-</span></span></span></div>
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Samantha Eccleshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02382858462312320435noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5759962727195395254.post-92005752462172250322015-02-12T23:15:00.000+00:002015-09-10T14:19:59.345+01:00The fucking nerve of some people!!!<br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Well, where do I begin??? Because folks, it has certainly been a while.<br />A follow up to the last blog would be a good place eh? All stories have a beginning, middle and an end, and so does this one.<br />To cut a long one short - 'Liz' moved out.<br />No more worry over "Did I get <i>all</i> that eye-liner off?" or "Shit! Did I leave caked up make-up wipes in the bathroom?", now I can return to my mess and throw my bras where I like.... As long as it's near the wash basket... My Mrs goes fucking spare!<br /><br />No, in all honesty, having another female presence in the house was nice in truth. Me good lady always had a friend, and to be honest, I kinda miss 'Liz' clattering through the front door, sighing, then unfurling the most random story you ever heard on an almost daily basis. Every story seemed to trump the last in it's complexity and ridiculousness.<br />She does seem to have landed on her feet though. I'm really pleased for her and I'm happy to have been a part of seeing her through her time of bullshit.<br /><br />Here's to 'Liz'.<br /><br />Just a heads up - The title has nothing to do with what you just read.<br />Apparently an aggressive attention grabbing title is what lures people in, I give you some filler first and you wade through it looking for the part that the title describes - It's a fine social custom.<br />When did you ever bump into someone on the street like<br /><br />"Samantha!!! How are you doi..."</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">[Samantha interrupts]<br />"Someone is pretending to be me on Facebook...."<br /><br />No, we don't do that, we do the whole 'Hows life? Hows the wife???' part first before dropping a bomb like that.<br /><br />But that's pretty much how it is. Or, should I say <i>was,</i> because I/we/maybe even <i>you</i> got the fucker taken down.<br /><br />Okay, so....</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">I was minding my own business, catching up with a few people on one of my CD social sites the other week, reading messages, notifications, the usual catchy-uppy stuff.<br />When I read a message-<br /><br />"</span><span style="background-color: white; color: #555555; font-family: tahoma, arial, verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 13.3333330154419px;">Hi Samantha ,</span><br />
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I hope you're well, I have just received a friends request from yourself on Facebook and I would just like to confirm that you have actually sent the request.</div>
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I have been chatting with this person for a little while and I noticed that your location was being given as London. It was only when I checked on here that i remembered that you live in ***********.</div>
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Can you confirm that you have a facebook account, if not would you like me to report it as a fraudulent account.</div>
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Claire"</div>
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Excuse me?</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Here's a little snippet of info before we continue.<br />I am not on Facebook. At least <i>Samantha</i> is not on Facebook (third person is weird), my guy life, my real world life has a Facebook (herein 'FB') and that's fine, I know I'm being tracked, I know how the advertising is targeted, I know how it suggests friends, I know it's a huge invasion of my privacy. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">But as Samantha, I'm on Transtastic, TV-Chix, Crossdressers[dot]com (forums), Flickr, Pintrest, Google, Blogger... I have enough to be getting on with, without FB figuring out my IP for IRL me is the same IP as Samantha. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">I don't want 'People you may know' throwing the curve-ball of suggesting 'Samantha' as a friend to one of my IRL friends who doesn't know I AM Samantha, purely because Samantha and me IRL share an IP address.<br /><br />If you're still following - Well done. I just read that back, confused myself, re-typed it and am still crossing my fingers that you understand what I'm saying.<br /><br />OK.<br />So. I immediately go looking for it. Took a while, but I found it. Some c**t had taken my photographs from the web, edited them to claim the images as their own and set up shop on FB using Samantha's name. Impressively, the scammer had managed to accrue over 200 followers. I was shocked!<br />So I went down the normal channel of report it to FB as 'This person is impersonating me'.<br />But when FB replied, my take-down request was denied (because I requested the take down on MY own - MALE FB account.)<br />I replied. Grudgingly I told them I am a CD. I told them that I have all the originals to the photos that the scammer was using as well as many more besides.<br />I told them it was delicate matter and sent the reply...<br />Then nothing...<br />No quick reply like last time...<br />I started to worry.<br />But then a spark of genius struck me. I told Jo. A good friend of mine from New Jersey.<br />You don't fuck with the friends of a 6ft transsexual called Jojo who pronounces coffee as<br />"Cawwfee".<br />Jo sent a VERY threatening message to him, as well as delighting in the misfortune I had bestowed upon me.<br />We had a chat on skype, then I went to check - still no reply from FB.<br /><br />I got onto the rest of my Trans/CD/TV social sites, posted the details of my situation and urged everyone to report the sonofabitch.<br />They did so in their droves. I was overwhelmed with support, for which I could not be more greatful.<br />Still no reply from FB.<br /><br />Then, suspecting that the lying dick brain got my photos from Flickr, I decided to upload a quick n nasty photoshop image to all of my social sites (mainly Flickr) that would host images. This image infact...<br /> </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Then I went to check again - Still no reply from FB.<br /><br />I was pissed now. This meant war.<br />I posted on forums, went into chatrooms, pulled every string, called in every favour to request the take down, stressing that some arsehole was pretending to be me and was going to fuck my privacy over....<br /><br />Then the reply came<br />"We have reviewed this case and have closed the account."...</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /><br />Relief.<br /><br />While a little scary, there <i>was</i> a tiny part of me that was a little flattered by the whole thing.<br />That someone went out of their way to impersonate me (or who they would like me to be by the sounds of Claire's message).<br /><br />This is a lesson folks.<br />Involve yourself with this community. Even if it's only online, because in your time of need, if you can summon an army, your chances of winning the battle are much higher.<br />If I had been the reclusive, barely involved type, Claire would never have noted that the person on FB didn't 'sound' like me (Fuck knows what they were saying), Nor would I have been able to call upon so many people when I needed them.<br /><br />So there's your take-away - <i>Stay in touch.</i>Even if you haven't dressed in months, even if you're not into it as much as me, if someone goes online with your photos, they might as well be you.<br /><br /><br />And here's a little something, just in case my 'Samantha Wannabe' is reading this.<br /><br />If this was some kind of 'Told ya so' stunt because of my views on posting photos of who you are on the internet in the name of transparency and honesty, then go fuck yourself with a cactus.<br />You are the worst example of a person I have ever come across - theft, fraud, libel....<br />You are nothing.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Just remember - you may think you are a one-man-army...<br /><br /><i>"But I have dragons....."</i></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">It has become quite apparent that I can call upon my friends, my army of equals when my world is threatened.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Word to the wise...<br />Wouldn't try it twice if I were you.<br /><br /><br />And there we have it folks.<br />If you like what you read then follow me here or on Google+ and don't forget to leave a comment if you have anything to ask or say.<br /><br />I'm off to enjoy a night dressed nice n pretty, see you all soon<br /><br />Samantha -x-</span></div>
Samantha Eccleshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02382858462312320435noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5759962727195395254.post-72318252008615340162014-12-23T23:00:00.000+00:002015-05-11T13:01:46.905+01:00A friend in need....<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">...Is a friend indeed.<br /><br />Or so they tell me.<br /><br />Since around May, maybe earlier, until 9 weeks ago, my Mrs has been coming home from work, telling me of the ongoing saga that was the on/off relationship between her co-worker, (lets call her Liz for the sake of not repeatedly typing 'co-worker' or 'colleague'), and her now ex boyfriend.<br /> There was something awful happening every couple of weeks.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">One minute the guy was violently threatening Liz, two weeks later doing the same to Liz's sister, breaking up, making up, accusing her of cheating, more violent threats and more emotional black mail. Every time Liz left, she went back a day later - she loved him. I will never understand that. Love and violence are, to me, polar opposite things. They never go hand in hand (unless you agreed upon a safety word first - Top tip I was recently told - "Harder" is apparently not a good safety word).<br />Every time there was a new tale, my insides boiled with rage that anyone could treat the person they 'loved' in that way, I was mad, I wanted to teach the prick a lesson.<br /> But more than that, I wanted to help Liz out somehow. She doesn't make a lot of money, so couldn't afford to move out immediately as there was never any spare money at the end of the month after paying their cable/internet, food, petrol, his cannabis habit (I will interject here - I've nothing against pot. In my opinion, it's a better drug than alcohol, but spending over £100 a month, using someone else's money is NOT cool).<br />So cutting a long story short, and sparing you my minuscule efforts of research - copy/pasting stats on domestic violence, Liz moved in with us so that she could save up enough money to fix her car, get a lease deposit together, get through xmas without declaring bankruptcy and then move out and get her own place.<br /><br />It has been 9 weeks since she moved in.<br />She did it brilliantly too - Waited until he was at work one day, picked up her rental van, moved all of her stuff out (which included the bed and the telly he played Xbox on) - and left a note saying what she though of him. Karma is a bitch eh?<br /><br />Liz will be with us for another month or two as I write this. She's a lovely girl, very kind and thoughtful - totally undeserving of the treatment bestowed upon her by her scum-bag ex.<br />She helps out round the house, helps out with supermarket trips (I drive, my Mrs doesn't and we work occasionally opposing shifts) and we seem to have converted her from a cat-phobic (Didn't know people <i>could</i> be scared of cats) into a cat lover - so much so that she now has a cat lined up to move into her flat with her when she moves out.<br />We like Liz. She can talk a bit, that is to say - <i>a lot, </i>but I'm not going to count this as a misgiving.<br /><br />What I will count though, is that she does not know about my transvestic needs.<br />And while I wasn't phased by telling her (The girl is great with her make up too - a cheeky makeover would be more than welcomed), my Mrs did not want our secret blabbing to all and sundry who she works with. As I said - Liz can talk a bit.<br />And while my lass does not mind having to educate a <i>few</i> bigots, she does not want to be the focus of a building-wide scandal of whispers and rumours based on half truths and assumptions.<br />She doesn't want to have to work with anyone who might treat her differently based on my actions and needs. And that is fair enough, we agreed to keep quiet on the matter.<br />Now, aside from having to be a lot more careful where I leave my clothing and make-up, and having to close my browser every time I leave my PC in-case she wanders past and sees the <a href="http://www.crossdressers.com/forums/">www.crossdressers.com/forums/</a> page, it means I can't dress when she is around.<br />And it limits me greatly. It's not quite as bad as earlier in the year (see <a href="http://sometimessamantha.blogspot.co.uk/2014/06/finally-release.html">http://sometimessamantha.blogspot.co.uk/2014/06/finally-release.html</a> for more on that), but it's still a minor frustration to be limited by factors that are beyond my control.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br />Coping - I've found it helps me to stay up to date on my crossdressing forums and social media sites, remind's me that I'm not oppressed, rather, just delayed.<br />In many ways it has helped me to re-establish a healthy balance between my male and female 'self'.<br />And hell, [your deity of choice] knows that it's good practice, this time next year, me and my better half will be married and will be trying to make a brand new human - there can't be a greater limiting factor that is beyond my control than a small person with no bladder or bowel control, who's only means of communication is ear splitting noise. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Will I ever tell our future child(ren) of my secret? Well I've no doubt that will be the topic for another blog on another day.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">I <i>would </i>would love to hear from you crossdressing parents whose partners are 'in the know' about their CDing - How do <i>you</i> handle the trials and tribulations of parenthood as a non-fetishistic CD?<br /><br />Right now though, Liz and the good lady are doing a night shift. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Which of-course means that my current presentation could have been the subject of a classic Aerosmith song from 1987.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">And well, as ever I feel great. My other me, my drug of choice. The tactile cling and warmth of nylon on my legs, the awkward typing thanks to acrylic nails, the 'hair' in my face, the 'clink' of my earrings and 'click clack' of heels on laminate flooring as I walk, the weight on my chest and shoulders, the smell of perfume and translucent powder, even the lipstick marks on my glass...<br /><br />...How could anyone <i>not</i> enjoy this? I'm talking to the women <i>and</i> the men with that.<br />Guys - think it's not for you? I implore you - (I apologise for this cliche) but don't knock it until you've tried it!</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Girls - I know, I know, getting dolled up is a fair amount of work. But is it not worth it?<br />To feel that much better about yourself for trying just a little harder?<br />I don't want to come off like an ass here - but too many girls just don't try enough, and it's my honest belief that natural femininity is a terrible thing to waste. Next time you're thinking of 'just jeans, Uggs and a cami top' why not go with a nice skirt and top or a dress? Get those legs out and strut your stuff in your bad-ass-est heels, let us know you mean business. Even if its just for Asda!<br />You might feel a little silly, but people won't be looking at you to ridicule you, they will either want to be with you or be you! You may not care what people think. I thought I didn't.<br />But the truth is, we all do - even just a little bit, otherwise, we'd kinda be socio-paths.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">I should remind you, I don't want you to be too far out of your comfort zone, but maybe the height of your heels out of it - 5" out should be plenty :p<br /><br />Wow, that kind of went off on a preachy tangent didn't it?<br />Sorry if that was offensive, but it was heartfelt and well-meaning - I only want everyone to feel as good as I do as I type this.<br /><br />If you liked the whole thing, then follow me here on Blogger so you don't miss a single word.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">And if you're a parent CDer, comments below to answer the question above - I really would appreciate it.<br /><br />TTFN</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Samantha -x-</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>Samantha Eccleshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02382858462312320435noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5759962727195395254.post-88028786739120038622014-10-22T13:45:00.000+01:002015-05-11T13:15:27.952+01:00"You look like a full on Drag Queen...."<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Whether or not your significant other (here-in referred </span><span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">to</span><span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"> </span><span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">as 'SO') knows about your cross-dressing, there is added pressure on you and your relationship with them, purely because of your needs.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">I'm not going to spend too long preaching about making sure your SO has all the information at hand to make an in informed decision about your future together, but with-holding the truth means not only are you hiding, but you are also unsure of how your Mrs would feel about you if you <i>were </i>to come clean.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">I know all about it. I've been in that situation, and I can say, even after what I am about to discuss today, that it is so much easier when your SO knows, because whatever happens from that point on is founded on truth, and where you have truth, you usually have some trust. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Anyhow, back on topic. (I may jump into many tangents today, as I hurt my knee two days ago, and co-codamol is <i>awesome</i> with redbull).</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">So last week was great. Better than great in fact. I had a whole day to get dolled up and try out my other new dress for my birthday and take some pics, talk to friends online, did a bit of e-Bay mooching adding some choice costume jewellery to the 'watch list' and 'wish list'.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">I generally just had a nice day feeling de-stressed as Samantha while my better half was out for lunch with the girls from her work.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"> I was talking with my oldest friend Jen (a genetic girl) for a while on Facebook messenger, amongst other chat about dresses and Halloween costumes...</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">I confessed I had always wanted to dress up as Snow White not Disney replica but a sexier - <i>not slutty</i> interpretation of it - The pictures show what I have in mind. I know, I've no shame.<br />After I confessed my somewhat trivial secret, Jen made her own confession, that she would love me to do her make-up some time. After the initial shock that I'd impressed a real girl with my make-up, to the point that she would be happy for me to make <i>her</i> face up, we started to make plans to get some nice ciders and snacks in and actually have a 'girls' night in, Me, my Mrs and Jen.<br />I was already psyched up, I wanted this that very night!</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">When my good lady got home, she came upstairs to where I am now, typing out this blog entry, on her way for her afternoon hour in bed (I tell her all the time that she is basically a cat in a woman's body, I have used the term transfeline on many an occasion). Before she lay down, I asked her,<br />"I've been chatting with Jen for a bit... She just told me she wants me to do her makeup LOL (Yes I said the word 'LOL' - sarcastically, I might add), would you be up for a night in some time - Get pissed, have a laugh, play on singstar maybe?"<br /><br />She stared at the floor for a bit, avoiding eye contact at all costs, before finally saying</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">"Errrrrrrr.........</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">...No."</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">And then walking into our bedroom to grab her Z's.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Her response literally stunned me. Not wanting to start a fight on her way to get some sleep, all I could respond with was...</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">"You're not??"</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">My heart sank. Well it didn't sink so much as belly flop from the top diving board.<br />I'm telling you the truth, it felt like a splash in my chest.</span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">I really didn't see it coming. I had completely expected her to be positive about the idea. She had previously said she wants to come to Pink Punters with me - quote "Yeah, sounds like a laugh", so by my best estimation, a night in with our friend should be a dead cert.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">At least that's what I though.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">I started to talk to Jen again to tell her to forget the idea, it suddenly dawned on me that this was probably serious. Was this a sign that she isn't coping? Had she been bottling up resentment? Anger? </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">I began to convince myself I was over-reacting, that I was just being paranoid, but as it would transpire the next day, I was bang on the money. More on that in a minute....</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Anyway, she had her sleep and I browsed the web for clothes and shoes etc. When she woke up we didn't speak about it again. I just joined her downstairs for a bit of telly and a brew before getting cleaned up and back into drab mode.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">After I got cleaned up, everything on TV was CD/Trans related. It was weird, I swore it was an omen of some sort.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">(If you're wondering what the shows were - A hoarder show on Channel 4 featured a hoarder who was a crossdresser (we had this recorded on the Tivo box), we saw the advert for Amazon's 'Transparent' twice, and we also watched the South Park episode 'The Cissy' where Cartman claims he is transgender (or as he kept saying - "Transginger") in order to use the girls bathroom, and Stan Marsh is revealed to be the chart topping singer Lorde facing discrimination at his job as a geologist - Fucking brilliant episode by the way :D - Highly recommend watching it even if you're not a South Park fan, anyone in anyway transgender will relate to it - Link below, just take 20 minutes after reading, it's worth it.)</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"> <a href="http://www.cucirca.eu/south-park-season-18-episode-3-the-cissy/" target="_blank">South Park - The Cissy</a></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Anyway, skip forward to the next day, I woke up, made a coffee and went to my computer to view some YouTube subscriptions. As I'm sat watching, I could hear my lady crying in the next room.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">"Here it comes" I thought. I knew it was coming, despite trying to convince myself I was paranoid, here it is.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">I will spare you the details, but after holding her for a while, she calmed and went for a cigarette.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">It turns out she hadn't been coping at all. Bottling her feelings up. She had not been speaking to anyone about my dressing, not even me. I had assumed that she had not spoke about it because she had no current issues.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Her reason was that she was concerned that <i>I</i> did not wish to discuss it and therefore she did not want to upset me by bringing it up, she did not want me to feel bad about dressing again, like in the days before she knew about Samantha.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">The weird thing was, I had not spoken about it because I know she has a tricky time coping, and did not want to upset her by bringing it up when she was managing things by herself - assumedly - doing just fine. (What's that classic saying about 'assume' again?....)</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Each of us were so concerned over each-other's feelings that we had weighed heavy on our own emotions to save the other for some time. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Boys and <i>gurls</i> - I've read it 100 times on forums and blogs, but some of us have to learn the hard way, <i>keep that communication going</i>. Even if it's trivial detail like asking her to pick a new top for you or asking for her opinion on a pair of shoes, just do it, don't keep it to yourself out of fear of upset, because it may allow her the importunity to vent any feelings she has been working through. You need to remember, that <i>you</i> are the expert, the number one information resource for your SO on the matter of cross-dressing, you need to remain open to her/him in order for it to work.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">She continued to tell me that she had become uncomfortable with my mannerism changes when dressed; -The way I walk in heels, -The way I smoke my e-cig with a pout, -The way my wrists are limp when resting, -How I cross my legs thigh over thigh.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">The thing was, if she had just asked me about it, she would have received reasonable explanations for all of her issues.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">-Heels force a posture of tits up, ass out and keep those knees together. That's why my walk is different. If I were to clod around with a masculine gait in heels, I would first of all look ridiculous, but I'm also fairly confident I would snap my ankle.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">-Cross-Dressing E-cig users will back me up here - depending on your drip-tip, they rob your lipstick from you. So I pout to keep the drip tip in contact with the inner part of my lip where there is no lippy.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">-My wrists are always limp. It's a tell I have spoken about before. I try to hide it in drab, because I know it looks a bit wet. But I just don't care when I'm playing Samantha. I'm comfortable with it because it is one of my more effeminate traits.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">-And the leg crossing, Aside from pencil dresses not allowing a 'legs akimbo' position while sat on the couch, it was also kinda cold. To quote my current favourite TV show "Winter's Coming", crossing your legs at the thigh helps you to keep warm, don't believe me? Try it!</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"> That, and it's actually quite comfy when you're sporting a good tuck.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">All of this strengthening the case for communication to stay strong, regardless of what's going on. I don't think I need to reiterate this point, I'm just trying to make it easy for those of you who start to skim read at this point in a wall of text.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">And then the suggestion of girls night was discussed.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">She was angry at Jen. Firstly for asking me to do her make up, because that's my Mrs' hobby. And I have to give it to her, she's great with her slap. (Every time her mates come here to get ready for a night out, they ALL ask her to do theirs. She is very proud of her talents, she always looks stunning when we turn out for the night.) She felt insulted that our friend would ask a basic make-up noob and cross-dresser for a make-over when Jen has known her for years and never once asked for tips or advice</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">She was angry because Jen get's to be the cool, accepting, fun time friend who doesn't have a clue what it is to be in a relationship with and live with a cross-dresser. She gets to tell me I look great and pad my ego, giving me web links to clothes I might like, telling my she's jealous of my legs (Sorry, but LMAO :D), and that I should be going out looking <i>that </i>good.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">She was angry. Lets put it that way.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">All I could think to do to was help her put her anger into context, this wasn't Jen's fault, it was mine, ours, we were both to blame for lack of communication about all this.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">I reminded her that Jen has known me since we were 5 years old (we lived on the same street growing up, we like the same music, hung out with the same people, went to the same places), and in 90% of those years, she's never seen me wearing make-up, but every time she see's my Mrs, my Mrs is wearing at least foundation, eye-liner and mascara.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">So by comparison, when Jen see's my Mrs dolled up for a night out, it's not <i>that</i> different to how she normally looks, but when Jen see's <i>me</i> dolled up, by comparison to me in boy mode, It could be forgiven for someone thinking that I am in fact, a wizard or plastic surgeon.<br />Therefore making it seem that I am the oracle of make-up technique, despite my Mrs being ten times more skilled than me.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">(I'm really sorry if that last paragraph took you a few reads to understand, this was a clear as I could be... Like I said... Co-codamol).</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">I also suggested that Jen doesn't understand because she'd never really heard my good lady's full opinion and feelings on my gender identity and presentation. Up until this, it had always been second hand information that I had relayed to Jen myself. I suggested that she speak to Jen, to try and tell her the deal, and get the added support she obviously needs.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Time had moved quickly, and I was heading out for the late shift at work.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">I gave the Mrs a lift into town on my way to work. I told her again, she should contact Jen and talk to her, </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">"... If it's upset you so much, <i>tell </i>her that she doesn't understand and <i>why</i> she doesn't understand. Then <i>help</i> her understand so that she can be an even better friend for both of us, the listening ear and support that you need, and the girl mate that I need for Samantha".<br /><i>(For context, of the 3 girls that know about Samantha, 2 of them are Emma's friends, Jen is my oldest probably closest friend. If it were allowed, I'd have her for my best man at my wedding. She is cool as fuck like a guy mate, but she has tits! :D :D :D.<br />Emma's friends who know about Samantha are cool too, but I can't go to them like I can with Jen.)</i></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">When she got home she did just that. They chatted for an hour or two and cleared things up.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Jen seems to have a better grip on what my Mrs goes through with me she messaged me and shared her side of things with me. My wonderful wife-to-be has bounced back more accepting and supportive than ever.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">She even had the epiphany that;</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"> It is not that my cross-dressing makes her upset, it is that there are a great many people in society who have a problem with gender variance and would express this with violence given the chance, this is what makes her upset because she worries about me, and how I would feel if someone even just said something hateful. Truth is, words have never hurt me, I was bullied a lot at school, so words are like stones to a Sherman Tank. What I actually fear is ending up in hospital because I am cross-dressed - Primarily the hospital I work at.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Her exact words were,</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">"I just wish that everyone could be like</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">'Yeah, trannys, they're alright'...</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"> and then I wouldn't be so upset.... You (referring to me, and I guess <i>all</i> cross-dressers) haven't got a problem, its other people that have the problem".</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">I swear I got a bit choked up when she said that.<br />She's always said she tolerated it from me, but giving her words deeper insight like that hammered it home. At that moment I felt <i>so</i> lucky to have found such an intelligent, open-minded, beautiful girl, especially knowing that many girlfriends and wives do not take it so well judging from things I read in my forums. (Side note, I tend to find the ones who are least accepting are usually the ones who are very heavily religious, citing 'God's Will' is being made a mockery of - or reasons to this effect). </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">And I don't know exactly what changed her mind, but the 'girls' night is now back on the cards. </span><span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">Just need a night now where we are all off work and it is </span><i style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">on!!!!</i><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Best news ever - I get to make up my oldest mate like a tranny and get drunk in heels - Can't wait! First every girly night (that isn't just me and my better half).</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">And no, there will be no chick-flicks. Were actually more likely to watch Reservoir Dogs, because we have excellent taste in films. So ner-ner :p</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">As chit chat was coming to a close for bed time, she did throw in this little doozy,</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">"I just wish sometimes you would tone it down a bit, sometimes I see your make-up and I despair...</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">You look like a full on drag queen sometimes. Does it <i>always</i> have to be so <i>much</i>?"</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">I tried to explain that I'm trying to learn and perfect techniques to cover beard shadow, glue down my eyebrows to draw on girly ones and contour my face to soften my jaw, pronounce my cheeks and narrow my nose. <i>(I actually love drag style when it's done right, not too over the top, but you know - Well contoured, lots of colourful eye-shadow, big lashes and lips. The best example I can think of is Lady Portia from YouTube, as seen below - See looks fucking awesome, just lovely I think you will agree!)</i></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">I tried to explain, that it's not the same for genetic girls as it is for cross-dressers. Girls are only trying to enhance, while CDs and Queens are trying to conceal, reshape, pucker <i>and </i>enhance, like the afore mentioned plastic surgeon with a contouring brush instead of a scalpel and silicone. Sometimes it looks severe and a <i>little</i> bit draggy, but others, I think it's bang on the money. I did admit that I need to finish climbing this learning curve, but it's a curve that gets much steeper as you reach the apex, and it will be hit and miss for some time yet.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">None the less, she insisted that I tone it down sometimes, have a casual day or two, I agreed to this, mainly for my own sake. Glueing eyebrows and contouring out any hint of your male face takes a <i>lot </i>of time, and time spent doing make-up is time spent not enjoying the result of my efforts. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">So today I am enjoying casual-look Samantha. Skinny jeans and a top, no heels, no glue, almost no contouring, almost no eye-shadow, false lashes, pink lippy....</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Okay, okay, well... when I say <i>casual</i>, I mean as casual as I am comfortable with.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">And by that I mean, still kinda, sort of dolled up, but instead of being turned up to 11, I've turned it down to like 7.5 maybe? </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Like, if I were a real girl I could just be going to Tesco for groceries and a new top, but I wouldn't be upset if someone were to take my picture for winning the one millionth customer prize. (God I'd love that, Tesco have some <i>gorgeous</i> dresses in winter).</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">So as I was comfortable with pictures,I took some selfies.<br />Had to be done really, I'm self admittedly a compliment whore.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">Well, here's my 'casual' look, there's more on my </span><a href="https://www.flickr.com/photos/100207126@N08/" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;" target="_blank">Flickr</a><span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">So what's the point to all this?</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Well you would be an idiot for not recognising the importance of open, honest and clear communication being demonstrated here today.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">It seems obvious doesn't it? But the truth is, despite nearly 10 years together and nearly married, were still only just learning how to deal with my dressing as a part of our relationship. Compromises will be necessary and things will change as we go. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">She and I both know, Samantha is never going away, so we both need to do our best to integrate my feminine side into our lives in order to keep us both sane.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Each of our needs are very different in terms of this integration.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"> <strike>I just need,</strike> I just <i>am</i> Samantha. I am also [male name with-held]. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">I am two people and I am one. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">I am two avatars of the same [slightly warped] mind.<br />As Sharon said in the South Park episode I kindly linked for you ,<br />"When someone's not allowed to express who they are inside, then we all lose".<br />(When I watched this for the first time, I got a lump in my throat. I promise you - South Park is so much more than obscenity and killing Kenny these days)</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"> And my good lady needs to integrate Samantha because denial and bottling up her concerns and worries made her sad, and neither of us want either of us to live like that. So it's all out on the table, in the open, it's never a bad topic.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Jen, once again has proven herself to mean more to me than I ever realised. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">She is a friend and ally.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">She is the support and encouragement that I need, and she is the stern word and truth that I need even more.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">She has known me longer than any other of my friends. And as we crash through 30 on our way to 40 and probable mid-life crisis</span><span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"> (think I might build a Caterham 7 for mine),</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">her knowledge of me is beginning to show it's benefit. She's not too shy to take the piss when she's got a few bottles of Desperado in her belly though, so this knowledge, having all the embarrassing stories on me <i>does </i> have it's down side.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">I just wish I got to see her more.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Does any of this resonate with you? Do you have any advice to contribute?</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Has this swayed your decision to tell your partner, or even not to tell?</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Let me know in the comments below, and don't forget to follow me for more :)</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Thanks for reading,</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Love you all lots,</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Samantha xx</span><br />
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Samantha Eccleshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02382858462312320435noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5759962727195395254.post-61536833420293128422014-10-16T13:37:00.000+01:002015-05-11T13:20:51.620+01:00Too many people only review a company when they aren't happy...<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>...I am not one of those people.</b><br /><br />And so I am writing this as a reminder to you all that good business' exist, and I'm going to talk about one of them today.<br /><br />So recently I had a birthday, yes I know, <i>how</i> can I possibly be 21 <i>again</i>?<br />Well, that secret is mine and mine to keep.<br />However, <a href="http://www.bananashoes.com/">www.BananaShoes.com</a> should be no secret to my CD/TV/TS brethren/sistren.<br />They sell shoes for girls in up to size 14 (UK) heels, boots, even some flats.<br />Now, as mentioned in a previous blog, I am somewhat dismayed by the lack of choice that Banana Shoes have when you get past size 8. This isn't their fault, the manufacturers just don't make them that big. And while I would love some fashionable heels in my size, I don't want to pay hundreds for them from custom sites online.<br />This lack of choice, while more limited than genetic girls choice, or even just tiny footed CDs choice, there is still a respectable variety of footwear to be had. They even carry a Nude patent heel - So difficult to come by in my size and they're seemingly a bit of a staple these days.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">All I really need now are some affordable flats in my size.<br /><br />So anyway - my shopping experience.<br />As I said, it was recently my birthday, so with a little spending money on hand, I decided to treat Samantha to some new stuff - Couple of dresses from Quiz Clothing </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">( <a href="http://www.quizclothing.co.uk/">www.quizclothing.co.uk</a> ), new wig from ebay (seller - koozuland) and some misc jewellery and underwear.<br />So of course, some shoes were very much in order, I hadn't bought a pair since my last birthday, so it had to happen really.<br />I'd had my eye on a plain black pair of Mary Jane style courts with a platform for a while, so I decided to get them from Banana Shoes (Here in shall be BS). I had planned to get them elsewhere, but BS had a discount for sharing on social media - So I went with that.<br />The exact shoe is the Pleaser Delight 687, as seen below.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">So I ordered them in a size 10, knowing I'm a large 10/small 11, I kept my fingers crossed that they would fit, I opted to go small because I hate that thing where your foot slides around when you're walking round a corner in heels.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Anyway, they arrived on a monday and they didn't fit.<br />Gutted.<br />Fortunately, BS included a stick on label for returns, so I emailed them and explained the situation and that I would reall like to have the larger size by the weekend (yes I know it's a tranny strereo-type that I dress like a woman on weekends).<br />The lady who replied was very helpful, and I'm pretty sure she knew she was dealing with a crossdresser, all the clues are there -Size 11, female name on my email and my male name on my credit card. And I'm sure she knows who are likely to buy from her. But even still, I can often detect when someone is being short or snide via text communication, and she was professional to the last.<br />She told me to send the return ASAP, and that she would post out the larger size as soon as she received the smaller size.<br />I posted the shoes the next day (tuesday) and sat waiting, itching to get my hooves into these gorgeous strappies.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Wouldn't you know, they turned up on the thursday and fit like a dream!!!<br /><br />I promised the lady via email that I would make a positive write up on my blog to share my experience with all you lovely people who bother to read my ramblings.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">So ladies, gents and all of you in between.<br />I say this with the preface that I have not been paid or in any way coerced into telling you</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Banana Shoes is the place to look if you, like me are cursed with canoe foot.<br />Helpful customer service, an easy - <i>speedy</i> returns service, and the shoes are gorgeous too!<br /><br />Side note, courts with a Mary Jane type strap are SOOOO much easier to walk in. I feel like I could run in these, they just stay on your foot - that thing that open courts seem to resist fully LOL.<br /><br />Sorry it was a bit of a boring one with lack of opinionated rant this time, I really am just very happy.<br />Here are some pictures featuring my new shoes and my birthday haul goodies, there are more on my Flickr page <a href="https://www.flickr.com/photos/100207126@N08/">https://www.flickr.com/photos/100207126@N08/</a></span><br />
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<br />Samantha Eccleshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02382858462312320435noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5759962727195395254.post-78302404273866783892014-08-19T21:52:00.001+01:002015-05-11T13:41:26.507+01:00Nailed it!<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">In a bid to save myself time in repeating the same thing to everyone, and possibly forever mark myself as vain and narcissistic, I present to you today my number 1 tip that will save you time like you time spent getting ready like never before.<br /><br />We all love nails don't we? I mean pretty painted ones on your fingers, not the ones you hit with a hammer.<br />(Yes, I occasionally hit my thumb nail with a hammer, but that's a different blog.)<br />If you answered no to this question, please leave, the following does not concern you.<br /><br />I get asked/commented on, on a fairly regular basis across various support forums and networking sites, about my nails. These days, when I'm prettied up, you will only ever see me with long colourful finger nails.<br />To cut and paint a fresh set of false nails every time I dress would be both time consuming and ultimately expensive. [...ain't nobody got time for that...]<br />So today I will share with you all, <i>the</i> best way for all you CDs, TVs and hell, even the TS girls and genetic girls could take something away from this. Why not? Long nails for every day use are impractical, 30 years living with short nails has taught me that much. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Any ways....</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">It's not difficult to sort this out for yourself, but you will have to pick up a few items.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">1- <i>Some blank false nails and glue</i>. Packs of 500 nails in 10 sizes are available on ebay for less than the cost of a round of drinks. They're long, so you may need to cut and file them to suit your style, but for that price, I cant complain, and it lasts me over a year because they are re-usable - more on that further along.<br />You will need to work out which sizes fit your finger's width best and write it down. If you can get away with a different size for each finger, you will ultimately get more full sets of nails from each pack.<br />Any that you don't use - Just throw them away, you won't be needing them.<br /> As for the glue, you want cyanoacrylate glue for nails. I like the type that comes in a bottle with a brush like nail varnish so you can get a nice even coat of glue over your own nail before application of your falsie.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">2 - A compartmented hobby box. You know the ones, you see them everywhere - dirt cheap, dead useful.<br />You will need <i>at least</i> 10 compartments in the box, extra ones are useful though.<br />For example, here is my one</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">As you can see, I have a compartment for each size of uncut, unpainted nail - Note how I have written my nail sizes on each compartment, this way when I order the same nails in future, I can just pop the right sizes into there places - no need to size up again ;)</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">I also have the compartments along the bottom for cut and painted nails. (T denotes thumb, I denotes index, M is middle, R is ring and L is little fingers respectively). </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Here's just a few of the thumb nails I made earlier.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br />I also re-use eyelashes. Trust me, this will not harm you in any way with eye infections unless you're handling your lashes with poop on your hands, and if this is the case, you have more problems than an eye infection. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">There is space at top right for my nail glues. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Bottom right is where I keep my lash glues and nail off cuts - When you're doing your nails sat in front of the telly, you will get why I do this - it's just easier. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">And finally at the top is space for nail files, some tweezers for lash application and a micro screwdriver... more on the screwdriver later.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Okay so you're organised and you have got a blank set of nails out, cut and filed to your liking.<br /><br /> <i>"So I just glue them on and paint, right?"</i></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Well, you <i>could</i> do that, but then what? Sit around waiting for them to dry? Get varnish all over your skin on your right fingers because nobody can paint with their left hand? (I'm talking to the right-handers - obv.)<br />Risk messing up the finish because few people are ambidextrous?<br /><br />How about this?</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">It's my super-duper nail painting thingy board (Patent Pending LOL).<br />Dead easy to make. Some corrugated card board, tape, 10 plastic top thumb tacks, some blu-tac and some of your nail glue.<br />Fold up the card into about 3 layers, tape it together. Take your pins and apply glue to the pin itself and the plastic hilt and push it into the card and allow the glue to set.<br />Apply a little blob of blu-tac to each pin and you have a perfect stand to paint your nails up on.<br />(You can see I labelled the pins by nail size and finger for added certainty, I forget everything that isn't written down.)</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Once painted, give them a few hours to dry fully before pressing them down onto your fingers - you might leave finger print marks in the varnish as it stays soft for a good few hours. I personally leave them on the pins for an hour or two, then carefully take them off, lay them out and let them dry overnight to be certain. Once one set is off the pin board I can start painting another and repeat this process. (I've painted 4 sets in one session before, but that was only to get me started with a choice of colours. Once you have a few choices, you'll only ever have to paint one or two sets at a time.)</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><i>Now </i>you can stick em to your nails.<br />And they will be perfect because you didn't have to use your left hand and you didn't get any on your skin - less clean up. This pin board is also good if you want to have a crack at some nail art for yourself, gives you plenty of room for errors and you won't be stuck with them on your fingers if it goes wrong :p<br /><br />Now, as I said earlier, these false nails are re-usable for as long as the false nail does not crack or break.<br />And here is where the screw driver comes in.<br /><br />Now I'm well aware that the following passage may portray me to be some kind of brutalist who jabs screwdrivers into their nails for fun.... If you do not follow my advice with care and a steady hand.<br />If you don't mind only using a set of nails once, then go ahead and bathe your fingers in acetone and slowly wiggle the falsies off. Then throw the gorgeous result of your hard work away.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br />The screwdriver was first brought in on an occasion where acetone had failed me.<br />It worked so well that I stopped bothering with chemicals, and I also found that I could re-use the nails.<br />It needs to be a <i>small</i> screwdriver, flat head, 3-4mm in width.<br />Starting at the cuticle, slide the screwdriver <i>just</i> under the false nail, then stop and remove the screwdriver. <u>You should not have to force the screwdriver</u>, if you do, find another point on your nail where you can make the first push. Move along the cuticle and repeat, all the way along one side of the nail, then the other side.<br />The nail should now be loosening, it may have even come off (I find this happens sooner on smaller nails).<br />If the nail is not yet loose, repeat the process but push the screwdriver under the false nail, just a <i>little</i> further and continue.<br />Patience and a steady hand are the key here. If you try to rush, you will cause yourself - at least - some pain, at worst - a torn nail bed or screwdriver through your finger tip.<br /><br />Once the nails are off, excess glue on your own nails can be removed with acetone, scraped off with scissors, or will eventually just chip away. I prefer scissors just to make my nail surface smooth again.<br /><br />And there you have it.<br /><br />Oh and this is how <i>I</i> do it. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">It works for me on a regular basis. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">I am not forcing you at gunpoint to do this to yourself.<br />If you fuck this up, then you have no legal recourse because you're doing it at your own risk (however little the risk). I am not to blame for your incompetence.<br />Take your time, be careful on removal and get creative with those nails!!</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Any questions about things I've mentioned can be asked below and I will answer you ASAP and amend the blog if necessary.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Please don't forget to hit that follow button!<br /><br /><br />Love ya lots x</span><br />
<br />Samantha Eccleshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02382858462312320435noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5759962727195395254.post-73466242684766422892014-08-10T00:33:00.001+01:002014-10-16T13:55:25.261+01:00When you assume...<br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">...You don't half come across like a complete toss pot.</span></h3>
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">And I'm not just speaking to the admirers (a term I don't like very much because it's far too polite).<br />I'm talking to CD's, TV's, TG's, TS's and everyone in between, because this is a mother fucking rainbow.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">But for today, I'll discuss [read - Destroy] the admirers.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">And before my own admirers decide I'm a horrible bitch, I will preface this with a disclaimer,</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">I'm not speaking about all admirers, I'm speaking of the stereotype (that if you're an admirer, even a nice admirer) that you will never know of, because admirers don't try to put their penises in other admirers.<br />Well, they might, but like I said, I'm not speaking for all, only the stereotype.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">This could come across as a 'How to talk to TGs on-line 101', but its more than that. The internet, being a land of anonymity, its far easier for people to let go of normal social pleasantries and revert to base instinct.<br />You can get a good sense of a person's true self on-line - always remember that.<br />Trolls are the exception to this rule.<br /><br />Right, 'gurlz' you know they type I'm talking about here.<br />The 'no face pic crew'. The men who open correspondence with 'Mmmmmm, sexy bb. Show your c**k'.<br />The ones who are tenderising their meat as soon as they see you.<br />Or if they do have a face pic, they usually wait 15 minutes before enquiring about the contents of your knickers.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br />I'm no language expert, however, I know that to admire someone or something is to hold them in high regards. Alternatively, it can also mean to be attracted to a particular person.<br />Now I'm sorry, for me, it means both at the same time i.e. Attraction <i>and </i>high regards, I don't think it seems right to have one definition that disregards another. You may disagree - let me know in the comments below!</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">At what point does 'Mmmmmm, sexy bb. Show your c**k' create the impression of high regard?<br />It <i>could</i> convey attraction if the person has no concept of social decorum, or was, in fact, a sex offender.<br />The notion that addressing me in such a way would convince me to masturbate for you (besides the fact that I'm happily engaged and I'm attracted to girls - Which is easily available information) is laughable, but I don't ever laugh. Every time I see words like this pop up on my screen, I cringe. I feel sad, but I never laugh.<br />I've seen it so many times that I've begun to disregard anyone who refers to themselves as an admirer.<br />Not because I've forgotten what admiration is, because of the odds that the person behind the title will be a sex pest, with no admiration for me, just another loser trying to get his kink on.<br /><br />Yes, that is an assumption - that all admirers are sex pests. And that might make me a complete toss pot.<br />But the greater assumption was made that I was interested in performing a sexual act to a stranger. Which is fine, I can see how people assume that everyone on-line is only there to masturbate with a stranger. However, to then do no follow up research and just read my information (which would tell you that I'm unlikely to appreciate an invitation to look at your sweaty, unwashed genitals while you beat them like they wronged you.) holds no regard for me or others in TG land, never mind <i>high</i> regard.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">They assumed that fitting into the transgender [Edit - mother fucking] rainbow means that you are also homosexual, have no standards and will swoon for any old Tom, Dick or Harry.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br />(Yes, I just said swoon. It seemed appropriate given the heavy use of the word Admirer today, both are words which I quite like, that are sadly declining in use)<br /><br />I argue that the word 'admirer' has become inappropriate within the TG community.<br />It is no longer fit for purpose and needs replacing.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">I suggest the term 'Letch'. Perfectly suitable. <i>To letch upon a person - to glare with sexual intent.</i><br />Thats what the current admirers are doing. They aren't interested in who you are, not with only one hand on the keyboard they aren't. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br />Personally, I think the term admirer should become a rank, a badge of honour, awarded to a person when he has proved enough times that he isn't a mere letch. When he/she has taken the time to talk and get to know a person, and even after this has not become a slime ball. Admirer, should be a term bestowed on gentlemen and scholars, a term of re-assurance that you will be able to talk to this person without negative assumptions.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">If they were truly admirers in the current model, they would <i>know</i> that not all CDs and TVs are fetishists.<br />They would <i>know</i> that most of us are straight, and those who identify as Bisexual will often prefer those who identify/present/were born as females.<br />They would <i>know</i> how to behave like a sir.<br /><br />Maybe, dear reader, you disagree. Maybe I've got it all wrong.<br />Maybe things are perfect as they are and I'm the one who is warped.<br /><br />Let me know what you think in the comments below, and don't forget to hit that follow button!<br />Thanks for reading xx</span></div>
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<br />Samantha Eccleshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02382858462312320435noreply@blogger.com0Newton-le-Willows, Merseyside, UK53.452487004641746 -2.6339721679687553.443031504641745 -2.65414216796875 53.461942504641748 -2.61380216796875tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5759962727195395254.post-16404570832833484002014-07-13T23:28:00.003+01:002015-05-11T13:47:02.613+01:00Unexpected joy...<h3>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">It's not every day things like this happen.</span></h3>
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">In fact its been 3 years or so since something very much like this happened.<br /><br />Me and the Mrs don't really see eye to eye on the whole crossdressing deal.<br />Aside from the fact that she's not really into it, in that, while she does not encourage me to do it or <i>like</i> that I do it, she understands what it is for me to dress. She knows that this is just part of who I am and that I need this in my life...</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Aside from this, we have somewhat different styles for the most part, we share the same tastes in more expensive clothes, which I don't have any of, but I still like em ;)<br />But for the most part she wears whatever is bang on trend, floaty pastel colours mainly, rocky edge stuff.<br />She's fucking cool, let's put it that way.<br /><br />I on the other hand, tend to dress in very form fitting, low cut or high hemmed (never both) almost trashy but still kinda classy, sexy without showing too much kind of clothes. Leopard print and sexy office wear would sum it up quite well.<br />You've seen my pics ;)<br /><br />Anyhow, she comes home from a shopping trip, and as normal she shows me each item in her haul.<br />(Turns out H&M had a sale on).<br />So she starts showing me all these lovely things she's bought, all of which were great.<br />Of course there were items I would have liked her to 'get one for me', but they were all more her style, but still very nice stuff. Then she pulls out a Sonic the Hedgehog tshirt for me, being a Sega child of the 90's I loved it, any self respecting geek (moi) would have.<br />Then she continues to show me her haul, item by item.<br />Then she pulls out a dress that was on sale in H&M, she pulled it out and my heart sank, it was <i>exactly</i> my kind of thing. Short, but not slutty, black mesh from shoulder to bust line, grey jersey material with black leatherette bodycon strips down the sides.<br /></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">I had to get my point across and drop a hint to go out and get me one soon, so I tried my luck as hard as I could,<br />"They didn't have any in my size did they?" I Asked.<br /><br />Her reply stunned me<br />"Errr, this <i>is</i> your size... you think I would wear something like this?"<br /><br />Partially offended, but overwhelmed with gratitude and joy, the best I could muster came out...<br />"Thankyou so much".<br /><br />She hasn't bought me any girl clothes of her own volition since she found out, that's over 3 years ago. She's bought me clothes I've asked for, or put together an outfit at my request - personal shopper style, that was nice but not <i>really</i> my thing. I didn't feel right in it.</span><span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">To have her see something and think of me, part of me anyway, meant the absolute world.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">I was beginning to think we were falling into a DADT (Don't ask, don't tell) arrangement, but I've never in 9 years with her, been so surprised at anything she has bought for me.<br />Especially when I didn't even hint, she just straight up went and got it, and I LOVE it.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span><span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">She absolutely nailed it.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">Only trouble now....</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">I need to one-up her surprise.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">The bitch.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">Updated 14/08/14</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">I took these photos a couple of weeks ago, but forgot to update the blog.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">So just for the sake of posterity, here you go </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">Don't forget to hit that follow button xx</span></div>
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Samantha Eccleshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02382858462312320435noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5759962727195395254.post-51947974882471568142014-06-24T22:17:00.004+01:002014-10-16T13:56:59.289+01:00Crossdress every day for a year, for £1,000,000?<h3>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">You might thing the answer to this would be straight forward...</span></h3>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">Okay, a little back story for you.<br />A forum which I frequent recently held a topic "Would you crossdress for a year for $1,000,000",</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">and to a great many CDs, this seems like a dream.<br />Many responses to the post were "In a heartbeat" and "Where do I sign up".<br />But then I got thinking seriously, as I often do, about things that will never happen no matter how much I would like them to.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">After a long old think about the matter, it turns out I seem to have a few reservations.<br />Firstly, how and when is the money paid?<br />Do I get it in one lump sum at the end of the year, or will it be split up into equal payments?<br />Or even do I get 50k to start up and then get the rest at the end of the year period?</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">Why so many questions about the money?<br />Well, let's be frank about things, there is no way in hell I could work my job crossdressed.<br />It just would not work, hence I would have too quit, not to worry though, I'm getting a cool mil. in one year. But what am I going to do for money for a whole year? I would need a wage for a year to pay the bills and keep living, but I would also need to but a <i>complete</i> wardrobe for Samantha.<br />Don't get me wrong, I have clothes, but not enough to get me through a year and changes of season, fashion and preference. And clothes are only half the story, there's makeup, breast forms, medical tape (for the tuck), wigs, shoes (which I've previously established - aren't cheap in my size) and accessories, then all the random crap Ive never had to buy before like a purse, handbag, coats, a brolly, sleepwear and probably a cute case for my phone.<br /> </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">You would think this money issue might just be about start up, but think about this for a minute.<br />You're crossdressing <i>every day for a year.</i> What problems can you predict just thinking about this?<br />Nope?</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">No guesses?<br /><i>Nobody wants to have a stab at this?</i></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">Okay, well I don't know about you lot, but there is no way in hell that my skin could survive a daily all-over shave. Even if I <i>could</i> cope with the pain and irritation, my skin would soon be a mass of red, blotchy, bleeding hair follicles, and I could not cope with that. Not when I'm trying to pass for a girl all year, I'm not sure that bleeding stubble burn works with a teal lace body-con dress.<br />I would need laser, no questions about it, I would need it. Just to survive the year without developing scars everywhere. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">Then there's the other stuff that I haven't been privileged to on my CD journey yet, going for a manicure, because glue on nails only last for so long, but acrylics are near bullet proof!<br />Also, I can't laser my whole body for a reasonable price, so there would be waxing to contend with also. I'd need my ears piercing because clip-on ear rings are really only tolerable for one day, multiple days consecutively would be torture akin to an all over close shave on a daily basis.<br /><br />Okay, well that's all sorted.<br />Ive got a year's wage plus start up money, I've taken care of all the necessities, I'm ready to do this for a year and bag myself a cool million pounds....<br /><br /><i>Not so fast Samantha, you can't hide from everyone for a whole year, you still have a fiance, your family and friends. Are they cool with this?</i></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">Oh, yeah, almost forgot about that.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">Okay firstly, the Mrs. While I haven't asked her if I can dress for a year for a million quid (because I'm not actually being given such a chance), it would go one of two ways.<br />-The Blue Pill - The story ends. She hates the idea of not having her man around for a year, the jig is up and we continue as we are doing right now. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"> Or</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">-The red pill - We stay in Wonderland and explore how deep the rabbit hole goes. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">Her money grubbing kicks in and she knows that this will set us up for life. Buy a house, settle all our debts, only have to work part time, invest most of the money and ride that interest and take early retirement and enjoy the rest of life.<br /><br />As for my friends and extended family. Well, I guess it's the perfect reason to just come out.<br />Only my fiance and a handful of female friends know about Samantha. <br />And while coming out to everyone has often been thought about, it's never <i>needed</i> to happen.<br />But now I'm living CD for 365 days, so I guess it's time to find out who is really my friend, find out who really loves me. There may be a few people I never see again, but to be fair, it would hardly be a loss to know that the people who remain will likely be around me forever.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">Just as long as I don't mention that I'll be getting a million quid for it, because they might just turn out to be leaches, and I'd rather have nobody in my life than 3 dozen cash whores.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">So there you have it, the perfect reason to come out, to live forever free of worry and lies.<br /><br /><i>Right, so that settles it, you're going to present as a girl for a whole year with no cheating and taking a day off?</i><br /><br />Well, there is just one thing actually...<br />Dressing like and making yourself look something like a woman is hard work.<br />Not as easy as throwing your clothes on, brush your teeth and out the door, there is an entire routine required in getting ready, even just to go to Asda.<br />There is undeniably a huge amount of pressure on women to look their best at all times, and I couldn't skip the makeup because I just don't have the skin for it, I'm just not that lucky.<br />If I am presenting to the world as a girl, I would have to be giving 100% of my effort to passing or blending in. At 6'6" a challenge greater than most CD's would face.<br />Eventually, with or without makeup, I'm going to get read. I'm going to get double takes in shops, I'm going to get abuse yelled at me from passing cars, I may even be assaulted or worse.<br />Intolerance is, unfortunately, alive and well. While getting out would be flying the flag for CD's everywhere, raising awareness and hopefully changing views and opinions, it would also be fraught with dangers.<br /><br />But you know what, all of this sound's a lot easier when you dangle that £1,000,000 carrot in front of the CD mule.<br />I know non-CDing males who would accept the challenge! <br /><br />What do you guys think?<br />Swap your presenting gender for a year for £1,000,000?<br /><br />I would do all of that in a fraction of a heartbeat!<br /><br />Let me know what you think in the comments below, and don't forget to hit that follow button xxx</span><br />
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<br />Samantha Eccleshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02382858462312320435noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5759962727195395254.post-87265808444043001162014-06-19T14:44:00.002+01:002015-05-11T13:56:04.325+01:00Finally - Release<h3>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;">I didn't like that one bit.</span></h3>
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;">Its been exactly 1 month and 5 days since Samantha came out to strut her stuff. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;"><br />But this is without doubt the best I've felt while dressed in a good while.<br />This is not to say that it's always mundane, quite the contrary, otherwise would I really spend 2 hours on makeup to just sit around the house and talk to people online?<br />Me thinks not.<br /><br />However today, just seems like, extra special or something, like it's an occasion to be savored - and I'm savoring it.<br />I finally got rid of all that disgusting body hair stubble that's been plaguing me for weeks.<br />I could have shaved it before now, but, I dunno, there's something about it that just helps to get the femme feelings into gear.<br />I took some pics of myself in a dress I got from Matalan in the January sales, but just neve got round to picture taking until today. I really like it, kind of office-wear, but still kinda glam, what to you think? </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;">I used a time-lapse/continuous shot app on my phone, there's more images on my </span><a href="https://www.flickr.com/photos/100207126@N08/" target="_blank">flickr</a><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">I also started up a <a href="http://www.pinterest.com/samanthasmile82/" target="_blank">Pintrest</a> account. I seriously can not believe I overlooked this for so long!</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">Its awesome, its like having all your browser bookmarks for individual items on the web, but with pictures :D</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">I love it, so far its all shoes, nails and eye makeup, but It's my first day.<br />Feel free to add me and suggest some cool stuff - large size heels, dresses, wigs, makeup, nails, tutorials, you name it, if it's not links to porn or sex toys I'll probably give it the once over.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">But that's it really, Ive just been sat here again, all dressed up an nowhere to go, as my good friends Jen said to me.<br />I'm not sure if it's the time away or just feeling that I'm long overdue, but I'm dying to get out for a night out as Samantha. Maybe hit Canal Street, or take a trip down to Pink Punters?<br />Either way, I gotta get out of this house, I need to feel like I'm not a freak, I need a wider acceptance today. Again, I really have no idea where this is coming from. The start of a foggy patch?<br />Not too sure yet.<br /><br />One thing is sure though...<br />I'm back!</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">If you don't want to miss me next time - hit that follow button!</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">xxx</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;"><br /></span>Samantha Eccleshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02382858462312320435noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5759962727195395254.post-9807464438682434512014-06-09T10:12:00.001+01:002014-10-16T14:00:46.212+01:00Balancing Acts<span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;">This is the worst part about crossdressing.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;">On the 14th of June, it will be 4 weeks since I last got pretty. I checked my flickR - the 14th of may was my last upload. And it was also the date of my 'call to arms' blog piece which isn't going very well either... But that's really another matter.<br />My body hair is longer than it's been in some time and all my brain can think of when I have a spare hour is, </span><br />
<i><span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;">"Should I get dressed?"</span></i><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;">But for an hour? What's the point really? My makeup takes longer than that!</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;"><br /><i>"But why not dress without makeup?"</i></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;"><br />Really? I must say brain, you don't know me very well do you?<br />These urges are powerful, more so than I, or my brain ever reckoned with. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;">[I believe this is commonly referred to as the 'Pink Fog'.]</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;"> Everything triggers the thoughts of dressing up. Walking past clothes shops, seeing a well dressed female in the street (wanting to wear what they are), makeup adverts on telly, the smell of perfume left behind in a corridor when you're walking 10 feet behind a girl who's wearing 'too much' -which too me is 'just enough' :). </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;">[The pink fog sets in thick and fast and doesn't disperse until I've dressed for a sufficient period of time. Fortunately, I haven't spent any money during this one.]<br /><br />See this is the hardest thing about CDing for me.<br />Striking the balance.<br /><br />It's all very well and good to decide to pour all of your time and energy into perfecting your femme appearance. But at what cost?<br />Personally, and I do not say this to brag, but I have a life.<br />Granted, not much of one with the crazy hours I work, but none-the-less I have a fiance, friends and family who I like to visit with my Mrs. All of whom I would miss and would miss <i>me</i> if all I did was dress like a girl all the time.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;">In case I've lost you, my personal perception of balance is;</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;"> - I shave my upper body, so my boobs and underarms aren't hairy in a revealing top. But I don't shave my legs because summer demands shorts, and I just don't want the questioning that comes with being a 31 year old man with silky smooth legs.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;">And I don't cycle or swim :D<br /><br />That's a personal one, one of balance of appearance, and you may have your own examples of personal 'balance issues', leave me a comment below about yours if you don't mind sharing. I always try to reply to any comments or questions, so don't be shy.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;">Moving away from personal balance issues, in my world view, there are 3 major universal balance issues that the average duality bound CDer will face.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;">Time, energy and money.<br /><br />To me time and energy are linked because the more time elapses, the more energy is expended just by being awake. Because of this I will discuss them as if they are basically the same.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;">For me, unsocial hours and a full working week which leaves me 2 full days to myself is a killer. 2 days sounds great but if I am needed to be around as my guy self, then there are obstacles. As I said, I have a fiance, my family, friends and other commitments that require percentages of my time. That can easily take up 3 days, never mind 2.<br />So fitting in time when I have <i>nothing</i> else to do is a hit and miss affair.<br />Then there's the time and energy spent in <i>learning</i> how to use makeup or put an outfit together. Then theres the time spent on taping a good tuck or cleavage or both, applying the make up, lashes, nails, clothes, jewelery, wig, perfume. Remembering how to walk in heels (made more difficult by periods without dressing), relearning how to type with long nails.<br />On average, it takes me 2 or 2.5 hours to get myself to a standard I deem acceptable.<br />I only ever dress when I can make myself photo-ready, and this takes a lot of time.<br />Then the time spent en-femme. There is no way in hell I spend that much time on getting ready to enjoy 20 minutes dressed. So I dress for the whole damn day, and when possible, the night too. The longer the better. But that's not always possible.<br />Because life needs balance, if I did this every time I had a day to myself, my life would fall apart. Because a day spent dressing up at home is a day that I haven't spent with a loved one (Barring the 4 people who know about Samantha).<br />Time spent dressing is time <i>not spent</i> at a party, a day at the beach, a trip to a friends house, doing the gardening, getting the groceries or any of the other random stuff I do day to day.<br />I get 2 days a week to do with as I please. There are only so many hours to make use of, so how do you keep the 2 sides of your gender satisfied?<br /><br />Money.<br />You love it when you have it and hate it when you don't.<br />It doesn't buy happiness but it can sure pay the rent.<br />All of this you know, but the money factor goes further than the basic need to buy 2 wardrobes, and it makes money and time intrinsically linked.<br />I mean sure, you <i>do </i>need to buy clothing for 2 people, one of them adores clothes, shoes, jewelery, fragrances, makeup and all the trappings that are primarily CD exclusive, wigs, forms, shape-wear, medical tape ;)</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;">The other person likes a t-shirt and jeans with chunky skate shoes.<br />Who do you think will get the most money spent on them?</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;">But it can't go totally one sided, people would begin to notice your decline in appearance.<br />So you have to balance that one out.<br />Even if the man wins and get that awesome Minecraft t-shirt, you know full well the girl will want the same design in the women's cut shirt.<br />Literally buying for two.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;">Then there are times of power struggle. The man wants that awesome new AIO Liquid cooler for his gaming PC, but the girl wants that cute bodycon dress and some new heels to match.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;">How do you sort this one out? - Pray to god your mind isn't in the pink fog when you need to decide. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;">Okay, so you need money to crossdress.<br />But what about <i>lots</i> of money. I'm talking Bill Gates rich.<br />You don't need to work anymore, AND you have more cash than you can actually spend.<br />Suddenly you don't have the problem with time balance anymore because you have all the time in the world.<br />You can buy whatever expensive clothes, high quality makeup, designer shoes, realistic breast forms etc you want.<br />You can buy the most bad-ass gaming PC, awesome cars, boutique music equipment.<br />But then how do you split your time up?<br />Would it even matter to you at this point?<br />You can go where-ever you like, and be whoever you want.<br />...Up to a point, because you still have your life to work out. You have people who need you and care about you.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;"><br />Does this mean the real work is balancing people and not resources?</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;"></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;"></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;">Let me hear what you think in the comments below, and don't forget to follow me!<br /><br />Love ya lots<br />Samantha xxx<br /></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;"></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;"><br /></span>Samantha Eccleshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02382858462312320435noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5759962727195395254.post-63936029455737111712014-05-14T13:54:00.000+01:002015-05-11T14:01:00.097+01:00THIS IS A CALL TO ARMS!!!<!--[if !mso]>
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<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><u><span style="font-family: "Georgia","serif"; font-size: 16.0pt; line-height: 115%;"><br />
<br />
</span></u></b><span style="font-family: "Georgia","serif";">....Okay, maybe not to
arms, but to something at-least….<br />
<br />
Action! That’s it!<br />
<br />
</span><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><u><span style="font-family: "Georgia","serif"; font-size: 16.0pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: red;">THIS IS A CALL TO ACTION</span><br />
<br />
</span></u></b><span style="font-family: "Georgia","serif";">Ladies and gentlemen…
and everyone yet to make up your minds, my name is Samantha.<br />
I am a crossdresser from the UK, I’ve been a crossdresser (CD) for over half my
life and I bloody love it.<br />
What I don’t like is the choice in shoes that get thrown at me just because I don’t
have UK size 8 (or below) feet.<br />
<br />
This marks the start of my quest to get prettier shoes for girls and guys with
feet sized UK 9 to 13 (and their international equivalent).<br />
<br />
Why, you ask?<br />
Have you seen the shoes that are available in those sizes? …No?<br />
Well I’ll tell you about them,</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Georgia","serif";"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>They start at £45 and that’s for a 3” heel
court in patent black, white or red.<br />
You want 5”? that’ll be £55 and you can have any colour you want, as long as it’s
black, white or red.<br />
You want straps or any details? Certainly, that’ll be £65 and you can have any
colour of the rainbow… but were sold out of everything that isn’t black white
or red.<br />
What’s that you want a platform heel? Well you better go claim a street corner
because that’s the only place you’ll be able to wear the ones we have in <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">your</i> size there, bigfoot!</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Georgia","serif";">If I sound
sarcastic, it’s for a reason.<br />
18 years I’ve been doing this and not once have I ever had the luxury afforded
to 90% of genetic girls which is a selection of nice, stylish heels for less
than £40.<br />
I don’t see how I’m asking for a lot really.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Georgia","serif";"><span style="color: purple;"><u><b>The Back-Story</b></u> </span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Georgia","serif";">About 3 or 4
weeks ago I emailed the UK high street chain store, New Look.<br />
I go in New Look a lot, usually being dragged around by my fiancé on a mission
to find something while I do my own browsing.<br />
Whenever we get to the shoes though, I have to stop looking because I know I
can’t have them. Despite their excellent pricing, I just can’t have them…<br />
None of them fit me.<br />
They only go up to a size 8 (9s are sold online) and I’m a 10/11.<br style="mso-special-character: line-break;" />
<br style="mso-special-character: line-break;" />
</span></div>
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<span style="color: purple;"><span style="font-family: "Georgia","serif";">The email trail
between myself and New Look can be seen below</span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Georgia","serif";"> -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------</span></div>
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<b><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 13.5pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB;">Samantha Smile <samanthasmile82@gmail.com>
</span></b></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB;">Apr 19</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB; mso-no-proof: yes;"><img alt="Description: https://mail.google.com/mail/u/0/images/cleardot.gif" height="1" src="file:///C:\Users\Samantha\AppData\Local\Temp\msohtmlclip1\01\clip_image001.gif" width="1" /></span><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB;"></span></div>
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<td style="padding: 0cm 0cm 0cm 0cm;"><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB;">To </span><span class="gi">headofcustomerservices@newlook.com</span><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB;"></span></div>
</td>
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<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<span style="font-family: "Georgia","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB;">Hello there, I hope you enjoyed your Easter break.</span><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB;"></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 12.0pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Georgia","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB;">Welcome back to your desk :)</span><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB;"></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<span style="font-family: "Georgia","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB;">My name, for the sake of contacting me is Samantha.</span><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB;"></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<span style="font-family: "Georgia","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB;">I'm writing to you this evening after a long conversation with my friend
on the telephone about how much we like your shops.</span><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB;"></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<span style="font-family: "Georgia","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB;">Bang on trend, all the choice in the world and not at stupid prices. We
like this.</span><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB;"></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<span style="font-family: "Georgia","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB;">What we don't like are your shoes. Not the styles, we and many of us <i>love</i>
your shoes. What we don't like is that they only go up to size 8 and in some
cases, size 9.</span><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB;"></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 12.0pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Georgia","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB;">My friend whom I was speaking to is a shoe size 10 and is 5'11"
tall, I'm a shoe size 10-11 and 6'6" tall, and your beautiful footwear over
which I have spent many-an-evening pining only cover up to an 8 (usually).</span><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB;"></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<span style="font-family: "Georgia","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB;">I'm guessing you've read between the lines by now, so I'll just say, me
and my friend (and an estimated 300,000 men in the UK alone) are crossdressers.</span><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB;"></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<span style="font-family: "Georgia","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB;">And no this isn't a suggestion to start making fetish wear, we're not
all like that. <br />
We pride ourselves on looking at least half decent, and this isn't made very
easy when most of the footwear available to you is designed for fetishists,
strippers and prostitutes.</span><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB;"></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<span style="font-family: "Georgia","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB;">There is the occasional nice pair, but they end up costing near £80
delivered and they aren't even branded - My girlfriend bought 2 pairs from Iron
Fist for that price!</span><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB;"></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<span style="font-family: "Georgia","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB;">I know there is a somewhat limited, niche market in crossdressing,
however, I believe it would be a lucrative opportunity for yourselves to <i>at
least</i> consider and look into offering all your shoes up to size 10 or 11,
maybe even 12.</span><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB;"></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<span style="font-family: "Georgia","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB;">Here's why - even if you took your higher priced shoes, and charged an
extra 30% or even 40% for the availability of larger sizing but keeping the
same styling, crossdressers would not only be saving money, but you would be
making a killing.</span><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB;"></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<span style="font-family: "Georgia","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB;">Have you seen how much size 10 heels cost? Cheap ones run you at £50 and
that’s without delivery. If you undercut that price and routinely sell large
heels at 40/45 quid delivered, you will clean up.</span><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB;"></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<span style="font-family: "Georgia","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB;">Nicer shoes for less money than nasty ones? You'd have to be mad not to
buy from you.</span><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB;"></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<span style="font-family: "Georgia","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB;">And we haven't even begun to talk about the genetic women with large
feet yet! They would benefit from all of the above too.</span><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB;"></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<span style="font-family: "Georgia","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB;">You don't even have to focus on the financial aspects of this. Just
imagine the good will it would generate within the LGBT community.</span><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB;"></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<span style="font-family: "Georgia","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB;">'New Look supporting the trans community' - 'New Look for New Women' etc
etc</span><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB;"></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<span style="font-family: "Georgia","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB;">And this in turn would generate profit because everyone loves the good
guy, and the more awareness you have for your product, the more likely it is to
sell.</span><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB;"></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 12.0pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Georgia","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB;">I can virtually guarantee that these kinds of shoe would sell, even if
you only launch them online because crossdressers are rarely forthcoming about
enjoying their feminine side, and usually will buy online unless they're with
the 'Out and Proud' gang.</span><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB;"></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<span style="font-family: "Georgia","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB;">I beg you to take this seriously. I've been crossdressing for more than
half of my life and have never had the choice of footwear that I would like to.</span><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB;"></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<span style="font-family: "Georgia","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB;">You guys turn out the nicest shoes I've seen anywhere else for the
money, so I beg you as my favorite shoe seller, please don't write this off as
a joke or waste of time.</span><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB;"></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<span style="font-family: "Georgia","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB;">If you consider this further and need any further information or
contacts in the LGBT community either on the web or in the flesh, please
contact me for further info.</span><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB;"></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<span style="font-family: "Georgia","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB;">Or even if you just want to find a way of gauging interest in this idea,
please get in touch.</span><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB;"></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<span style="font-family: "Georgia","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB;">I look forward to hearing from you.</span><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB;"></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<span style="font-family: "Georgia","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB;">Sincerely,</span><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB;"></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<span style="font-family: "Georgia","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB;">Samantha.</span><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB;"></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<span style="font-family: "Georgia","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB;">-x-<br />
<br />
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<span style="font-family: "Georgia","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB;"><span style="color: purple;">The response I got was less than encouraging</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB; mso-no-proof: yes;"></span><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB;"></span></div>
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<tbody>
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<td style="padding: 0cm 0cm 0cm 0cm;"><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto; mso-outline-level: 3;">
<b><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 13.5pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB;">ProofOfPostage <ProofOfPostage@newlook.com>
</span></b></div>
</td>
</tr>
</tbody></table>
</td>
<td style="padding: 0cm 0cm 0cm 0cm;"><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB;">Apr 21</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB; mso-no-proof: yes;"><img alt="Description: https://mail.google.com/mail/u/0/images/cleardot.gif" height="1" src="file:///C:\Users\Samantha\AppData\Local\Temp\msohtmlclip1\01\clip_image001.gif" width="1" /></span><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB;"></span></div>
</td>
<td style="padding: 0cm 0cm 0cm 0cm;"><br /></td>
<td rowspan="2" style="padding: 0cm 0cm 0cm 0cm;"><br /></td>
</tr>
<tr style="mso-yfti-irow: 1; mso-yfti-lastrow: yes;">
<td colspan="3" style="padding: 0cm 0cm 0cm 0cm;"><table border="0" cellpadding="0" class="MsoNormalTable" style="mso-cellspacing: 1.5pt; mso-padding-alt: 0cm 0cm 0cm 0cm; mso-yfti-tbllook: 1184;">
<tbody>
<tr style="mso-yfti-firstrow: yes; mso-yfti-irow: 0; mso-yfti-lastrow: yes;">
<td style="padding: 0cm 0cm 0cm 0cm;"><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB;">to me
</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB; mso-no-proof: yes;"><img alt="Description: https://mail.google.com/mail/u/0/images/cleardot.gif" height="1" src="file:///C:\Users\Samantha\AppData\Local\Temp\msohtmlclip1\01\clip_image001.gif" width="1" /></span><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB;"></span></div>
</td>
</tr>
</tbody></table>
</td>
</tr>
</tbody></table>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto;">
<span style="color: black; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-ascii-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB; mso-hansi-font-family: Calibri;">Dear
Samantha,</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto;">
<span style="color: black; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-ascii-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB; mso-hansi-font-family: Calibri;">Reference:
2651784</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto;">
<span style="color: black; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-ascii-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB; mso-hansi-font-family: Calibri;">Thank
you for your recent email to New Look regarding shoe sizes. I really do
appreciate you bringing your thoughts and opinions to our attention. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto;">
<span style="color: black; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-ascii-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB; mso-hansi-font-family: Calibri;">New
Look are always looking to improve our company and are all about making our
customers happy and again really appreciate you taking the time to contact us
regarding this. I can confirm I have passed this information onto the relevant
department for there consideration.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto;">
<span style="color: black; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-ascii-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB; mso-hansi-font-family: Calibri;">However,
if you have any other queries, please do not hesitate to contact us again on 08444996690,
where we will be more than happy to help. Our lines open Monday-Saturday
8am-8pm, Sundays 10am-6pm.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto;">
<span style="color: black; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-ascii-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB; mso-hansi-font-family: Calibri;">Kind
regards,</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto;">
<span style="color: black; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-ascii-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB; mso-hansi-font-family: Calibri;">Michaela
Dunkley</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto;">
<span style="color: black; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-ascii-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB; mso-hansi-font-family: Calibri;">Customer
Relations Specialist</span></div>
<div style="border-bottom: solid windowtext 1.0pt; border: none; mso-border-bottom-alt: solid windowtext .75pt; mso-element: para-border-div; padding: 0cm 0cm 1.0pt 0cm;">
<div class="MsoNormal" style="border: none; line-height: normal; mso-border-bottom-alt: solid windowtext .75pt; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto; mso-padding-alt: 0cm 0cm 1.0pt 0cm; padding: 0cm;">
<span style="color: black; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-ascii-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB; mso-hansi-font-family: Calibri;">New Look Customer Services</span></div>
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<span style="font-family: "Georgia","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB;"><span style="color: purple;">So today, I contacted them again.</span><br />
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<br /></div>
<table border="0" cellpadding="0" class="MsoNormalTable" style="mso-cellspacing: 1.5pt; mso-padding-alt: 0cm 0cm 0cm 0cm; mso-yfti-tbllook: 1184;">
<tbody>
<tr style="mso-yfti-firstrow: yes; mso-yfti-irow: 0;">
<td style="padding: 0cm 0cm 0cm 0cm;"><table border="0" cellpadding="0" class="MsoNormalTable" style="mso-cellspacing: 1.5pt; mso-padding-alt: 0cm 0cm 0cm 0cm; mso-yfti-tbllook: 1184;">
<tbody>
<tr style="mso-yfti-firstrow: yes; mso-yfti-irow: 0; mso-yfti-lastrow: yes;">
<td style="padding: 0cm 0cm 0cm 0cm;"><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto; mso-outline-level: 3;">
<b><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 13.5pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB;">Samantha Smile <samanthasmile82@gmail.com>
</span></b></div>
</td>
</tr>
</tbody></table>
</td>
<td style="padding: 0cm 0cm 0cm 0cm;"><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB;">11:53
AM (54 minutes ago)</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB; mso-no-proof: yes;"><img alt="Description: https://mail.google.com/mail/u/0/images/cleardot.gif" height="1" src="file:///C:\Users\Samantha\AppData\Local\Temp\msohtmlclip1\01\clip_image001.gif" width="1" /></span><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB;"></span></div>
</td>
<td style="padding: 0cm 0cm 0cm 0cm;"><br /></td>
<td rowspan="2" style="padding: 0cm 0cm 0cm 0cm;"><br /></td>
</tr>
<tr style="mso-yfti-irow: 1; mso-yfti-lastrow: yes;">
<td colspan="3" style="padding: 0cm 0cm 0cm 0cm;"><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB;">to headofcustomerservices@newlook.com</span></div>
</td>
</tr>
</tbody></table>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 12.0pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Georgia","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB;">Hello.</span><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB;"></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 12.0pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Georgia","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB;">Thank you for the reply and confirming my message had been received.</span><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB;"></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<span style="font-family: "Georgia","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB;">As it is nearly one month later, I was just wondering if any of the
'higher-ups' have had a chance to view my mail and given it any considerable
thought?</span><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB;"></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 12.0pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Georgia","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB;">Only reason being is that I still haven't had any form of reply that
specifically addresses my questions.</span><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB;"></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 12.0pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Georgia","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB;">I appreciate you must get a good number of emails each day and so I
don't like to pester, but god damn I love your shoes, and I would like for them
to fit my feet.</span><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB;"></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<span style="font-family: "Georgia","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB;">Sincerely </span><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB;"></span></div>
<div style="border-bottom: solid windowtext 1.0pt; border: none; mso-border-bottom-alt: solid windowtext .75pt; mso-element: para-border-div; padding: 0cm 0cm 1.0pt 0cm;">
<div class="MsoNormal" style="border: none; line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0cm; mso-border-bottom-alt: solid windowtext .75pt; mso-padding-alt: 0cm 0cm 1.0pt 0cm; padding: 0cm;">
<span style="font-family: "Georgia","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB;">Samantha</span></div>
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<br /></div>
<div style="border-bottom: solid windowtext 1.0pt; border: none; mso-border-bottom-alt: solid windowtext .75pt; mso-element: para-border-div; padding: 0cm 0cm 1.0pt 0cm;">
<div class="MsoNormal" style="border: none; line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0cm; mso-border-bottom-alt: solid windowtext .75pt; mso-padding-alt: 0cm 0cm 1.0pt 0cm; padding: 0cm;">
<span style="font-family: "Georgia","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB;">And that folks, is where we stand
right now.<br />
<br />
Maybe it’s Conchita Wurst’s victory at Eurovison this weekend that’s inspired
me (I’m well aware it was all just a great big middle finger to Russia and
their anti-LGBT laws). Or maybe I’m just fed up wearing the same old shoes all
the time.<br />
Either way, I feel it’s time to act.<br />
<br />
And I need you all to help me, each and every one of you.<br />
UK folks, you should be making this a priority for today, please continue to
read.<br />
US and elsewhere citizens, while this may not impact you directly, I’m still
asking for your assistance. This might end up being the action that sets precedent
for the rights to cute shoes for CD/TV/TS women the world over.<br />
<br />
All I want is an email.<br />
Just one. For now at least, you may be needed to send further emails later.<br />
<br />
What are we doing?<br />
We’re letting them know just how much larger sized shoes would mean to us.<br />
We’re letting them know were here.<br />
We’re letting them know how big our community is and the power it can gather.<br />
<br />
And I’m not just asking the active CD/TV/TS gals here, I want the supporters,
friends, admirers and allies to pitch in too.<br />
<br />
I’ll even give you the email you need to fill in the blanks and send.<br />
<br />
<br />
<span style="color: red;">I’m posting this thread in all of my CD/TV forums and on my blog, so edit as appropriate.</span></span></div>
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="font-family: "Georgia","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB;">To - </span></i></div>
<table border="0" cellpadding="0" class="MsoNormalTable" style="mso-cellspacing: 1.5pt; mso-padding-alt: 0cm 0cm 0cm 0cm; mso-yfti-tbllook: 1184;">
<tbody>
<tr style="mso-yfti-firstrow: yes; mso-yfti-irow: 0; mso-yfti-lastrow: yes;">
<td style="padding: 0cm 0cm 0cm 0cm;"><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span><span class="gi">headofcustomerservices@newlook.com</span><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB;"></span></div>
</td>
</tr>
</tbody></table>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="font-family: "Georgia","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB;">Title</span></i><span style="font-family: "Georgia","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB;"><br />
We want larger sized heels from you!</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="font-family: "Georgia","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB;">Body text</span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<span style="font-family: "Georgia","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB;">Dear Sir/Madam<br />
<br />
My name is [Name, CD name, pseudonym]</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<span style="font-family: "Georgia","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB;">I stumbled on a [thread/blog] today calling for people of the
Transgender community to rally together in order to bring your attention, the
potential popularity of producing your ranges of shoes in sizes up to UK 13.<br />
<br />
This email is hopefully one of many that you have received that informs you
that we are a community united, and we would like you to hear us.<br />
<br />
I am writing to you today in a show of support and agreement with a member of
our community who is, pretty much, campaigning to have you seriously consider the
production and retail of your women’s shoe ranges in larger sizes.<br />
Her name is Samantha, and I believe she has already contacted you regarding the
matter. (samanthasmile82@gmail.com)<br />
<br />
I would also like to have the opportunity to buy fashionable shoes and heels at
prices that don’t kill my pocket. That is why, I too am asking New Look to take
this seriously.<br />
<br />
[Add and personal points and feelings/suggestions]</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<span style="font-family: "Georgia","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB;">In this age of Transgender equality, wouldn’t it be great if we could
all have stylish shoes that fit well?</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<span style="font-family: "Georgia","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB;">Sincerely<br />
[Name]<br />
<br />
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<br /></div>
<span style="font-family: "Georgia","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%; mso-ansi-language: EN-GB; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-language: AR-SA; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB;">And
that’s it.<br />
<br />
<b><u><span style="color: red;">Spread the word, put it in chat sites, blogs, emails, tell your friends, spread
it across message boards, forums… any way to get the word to as many people in
out community as you can.<br />
</span></u></b><br />
I’m not holding my breath, but I <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">am</i>
counting on you guys.</span><br />
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Love you all<br />
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Samantha</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Georgia","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%; mso-ansi-language: EN-GB; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-language: AR-SA; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB;">-x-</span><br />
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</span>Samantha Eccleshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02382858462312320435noreply@blogger.com0Newton-le-Willows, Merseyside, UK53.450442505556879 -2.626419067382812553.412614505556881 -2.7071000673828127 53.488270505556876 -2.5457380673828123tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5759962727195395254.post-25283460889349664402014-04-16T23:28:00.002+01:002015-05-11T14:01:59.017+01:00I ruined an old t-shirt to make a top.<h2>
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<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">Just to make it clear, I didn't intend to ruin it, it just kinda happened.<br />One problem with being a guy who enjoys being a girl periodically is that you think you can turn your hand to anything after watching how to do it on youtube.<br />Today was one such day.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">I was bored, sat waiting for the Virgin Media engineers to re-route our cable line, and I stumbled on these wee gems.<br /> <span id="goog_1562510535"></span><span id="goog_1562510536"></span></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">"BRILLIANT!" I thought to myself, "...no cash till payday, I want to get dressed tonight, but I'm just kinda bored with the clothes I have".<br /><i>Is this why girls, genetic girls have so many clothes? Do they just enjoy looking different?</i></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">So with my mind made up, old t-shirt and scissors in hand, I was off, following the video as closely as I could recall.<br /><br />Yeah, turns out my memory is as good as Dory from Finding Nemo.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br />Ho-hum.<br />Live n learn </span>Samantha Eccleshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02382858462312320435noreply@blogger.com0