Saturday, 24 June 2017

Dysphoria/Euphoria

So lately I've been quiet.

I know.

It was a conscious decision to hold back a bit. I was getting ahead of myself.

Anyhow, I'm only stopping by to drop this issue on you all.
Okay, so my identity situation is, in my eyes, transgender. I wish I was a woman, growing old in this body seems like a miserable prospect, I'm only content inside when I'm presenting female.


When I present female I feel right because I know I look (more) right.
I feel empowered, I feel beautiful, I feel like me.
And I'm lucky enough to be in a situation that permits me to dress for many hours at a time.
But something always happens at midnight when I go to start getting undressed...
I stall.
Every second possible.
I can stall for hours sometimes.
Anything to not wipe my face away and return to the male me.
Anything to hold on to the lucid dream that is feeling better in my own skin.
And it's depressing.
Stalling consists of sadness. Sadness and coffee.
"Stay up!"... "You can feel like this for longer if you stay awake"...
"Tomorrow you'll be him again, stay like this".
(If I heard voices, this is what they would say).

Yeah, I could go to sleep in a nightdress. And have done. Can't enjoy something when you're asleep though.
I get down because when I wake up, instead of Samantha's face in the mirror, it will be his, and I will feel like dirt because I can't be her yet.

Bummer eh?