Tuesday 23 December 2014

A friend in need....

...Is a friend indeed.

Or so they tell me.

Since around May, maybe earlier, until 9 weeks ago, my Mrs has been coming home from work, telling me of the ongoing saga that was the on/off relationship between her co-worker, (lets call her Liz for the sake of not repeatedly typing 'co-worker' or 'colleague'), and her now ex boyfriend.
 There was something awful happening every couple of weeks.



One minute the guy was violently threatening Liz, two weeks later doing the same to Liz's sister, breaking up, making up, accusing her of cheating, more violent threats and more emotional black mail. Every time Liz left, she went back a day later - she loved him. I will never understand that. Love and violence are, to me, polar opposite things. They never go hand in hand (unless you agreed upon a safety word first - Top tip I was recently told - "Harder" is apparently not a good safety word).
Every time there was a new tale, my insides boiled with rage that anyone could treat the person they 'loved' in that way, I was mad, I wanted to teach the prick a lesson.
 But more than that, I wanted to help Liz out somehow. She doesn't make a lot of money, so couldn't afford to move out immediately as there was never any spare money at the end of the month after paying their cable/internet, food, petrol, his cannabis habit (I will interject here - I've nothing against pot. In my opinion, it's a better drug than alcohol, but spending over £100 a month, using someone else's money is NOT cool).
So cutting a long story short, and sparing you my minuscule efforts of research - copy/pasting stats on domestic violence, Liz moved in with us so that she could save up enough money to fix her car, get a lease deposit together, get through xmas without declaring bankruptcy and then move out and get her own place.

It has been 9 weeks since she moved in.
She did it brilliantly too - Waited until he was at work one day, picked up her rental van, moved all of her stuff out (which included the bed and  the telly he played Xbox on) - and left a note saying what she though of him. Karma is a bitch eh?

Liz will be with us for another month or two as I write this. She's a lovely girl, very kind and thoughtful - totally undeserving of the treatment bestowed upon her by her scum-bag ex.
She helps out round the house, helps out with supermarket trips (I drive, my Mrs doesn't and we work occasionally opposing shifts) and we seem to have converted her from a cat-phobic (Didn't know people could be scared of cats) into a cat lover - so much so that she now has a cat lined up to move into her flat with her when she moves out.
We like Liz. She can talk a bit, that is to say - a lot, but I'm not going to count this as a misgiving.

What I will count though, is that she does not know about my transvestic needs.
And while I wasn't phased by telling her (The girl is great with her make up too - a cheeky makeover would be more than welcomed), my Mrs did not want our secret blabbing to all and sundry who she works with. As I said - Liz can talk a bit.
And while my lass does not mind having to educate a few bigots, she does not want to be the focus of a building-wide scandal of whispers and rumours based on half truths and assumptions.
She doesn't want to have to work with anyone who might treat her differently based on my actions and needs. And that is fair enough, we agreed to keep quiet on the matter.
Now, aside from having to be a lot more careful where I leave my clothing and make-up, and having to close my browser every time I leave my PC in-case she wanders past and sees the www.crossdressers.com/forums/ page, it means I can't dress when she is around.
And it limits me greatly. It's not quite as bad as earlier in the year (see http://sometimessamantha.blogspot.co.uk/2014/06/finally-release.html for more on that), but it's still a minor frustration to be limited by factors that are beyond my control.


Coping - I've found it helps me to stay up to date on my crossdressing forums and social media sites, remind's me that I'm not oppressed, rather, just delayed.
In many ways it has helped me to re-establish a healthy balance between my male and female 'self'.
And hell, [your deity of choice] knows that it's good practice, this time next year, me and my better half will be married and will be trying to make a brand new human - there can't be a greater limiting factor that is beyond my control than a small person with no bladder or bowel control, who's only means of communication is ear splitting noise. 

Will I ever tell our future child(ren) of my secret? Well I've no doubt that will be the topic for another blog on another day.
I would would love to hear from you crossdressing parents whose partners are 'in the know' about their CDing - How do you handle the trials and tribulations of parenthood as a non-fetishistic CD?

Right now though, Liz and the good lady are doing a night shift. 

Which of-course means that my current presentation could have been the subject of a classic Aerosmith song from 1987.



And well, as ever I feel great. My other me, my drug of choice. The tactile cling and warmth of nylon on my legs, the awkward typing thanks to acrylic nails, the 'hair' in my face, the 'clink' of my earrings and 'click clack' of heels on laminate flooring as I walk, the weight on my chest and shoulders, the smell of perfume and translucent powder, even the lipstick marks on my glass...

...How could anyone not enjoy this? I'm talking to the women and the men with that.
Guys - think it's not for you? I implore you - (I apologise for this cliche) but don't knock it until you've tried it!

Girls - I know, I know, getting dolled up is a fair amount of work. But is it not worth it?
To feel that much better about yourself for trying just a little harder?
I don't want to come off like an ass here - but too many girls just don't try enough, and it's my honest belief that natural femininity is a terrible thing to waste. Next time you're thinking of 'just jeans, Uggs and a cami top' why not go with a nice skirt and top or a dress? Get those legs out and strut your stuff in your bad-ass-est heels, let us know you mean business. Even if its just for Asda!
You might feel a little silly, but people won't be looking at you to ridicule you, they will either want to be with you or be you! You may not care what people think. I thought I didn't.
But the truth is, we all do - even just a little bit, otherwise, we'd kinda be socio-paths.

I should remind you, I don't want you to be too far out of your comfort zone, but maybe the height of your heels out of it - 5" out should be plenty :p

Wow, that kind of went off on a preachy tangent didn't it?
Sorry if that was offensive, but it was heartfelt and well-meaning - I only want everyone to feel as good as I do as I type this.

If you liked the whole thing, then follow me here on Blogger so you don't miss a single word.

And if you're a parent CDer, comments below to answer the question above - I really would appreciate it.

TTFN

Samantha -x-


Wednesday 22 October 2014

"You look like a full on Drag Queen...."

Whether or not your significant other (here-in referred to as 'SO') knows about your cross-dressing, there is added pressure on you and your relationship with them, purely because of your needs.
I'm not going to spend too long preaching about making sure your SO has all the information at hand to make an in informed decision about your future together, but with-holding the truth means not only are you hiding, but you are also unsure of how your Mrs would feel about you if you were to come clean.
I know all about it. I've been in that situation, and I can say, even after what I am about to discuss today, that it is so much easier when your SO knows, because whatever happens from that point on is founded on truth, and where you have truth, you usually have some trust. 

Anyhow, back on topic. (I may jump into many tangents today, as I hurt my knee two days ago, and co-codamol is awesome with redbull).

So last week was great. Better than great in fact. I had a whole day to get dolled up and try out my other new dress for my birthday and take some pics, talk to friends online, did a bit of e-Bay mooching adding some choice costume jewellery to the 'watch list' and 'wish list'.
I generally just had a nice day feeling de-stressed as Samantha while my better half was out for lunch with the girls from her work.
 I was talking with my oldest friend Jen (a genetic girl) for a while on Facebook messenger, amongst other chat about dresses and Halloween costumes...



I confessed I had always wanted to dress up as Snow White not Disney replica but a sexier - not slutty interpretation of it - The pictures show what I have in mind. I know, I've no shame.
After I confessed my somewhat trivial secret, Jen made her own confession, that she would love me to do her make-up some time. After the initial shock that I'd impressed a real girl with my make-up, to the point that she would be happy for me to make her face up, we started to make plans to get some nice ciders and snacks in and actually have a 'girls' night in, Me, my Mrs and Jen.
I was already psyched up, I wanted this that very night!


When my good lady got home, she came upstairs to where I am now, typing out this blog entry, on her way for her afternoon hour in bed (I tell her all the time that she is basically a cat in a woman's body, I have used the term transfeline on many an occasion). Before she lay down, I asked her,
"I've been chatting with Jen for a bit... She just told me she wants me to do her makeup LOL (Yes I said the word 'LOL' - sarcastically, I might add), would you be up for a night in some time - Get pissed, have a laugh, play on singstar maybe?"

She stared at the floor for a bit, avoiding eye contact at all costs, before finally saying


"Errrrrrrr.........

...No."
And then walking into our bedroom to grab her Z's.

Her response literally stunned me. Not wanting to start a fight on her way to get some sleep, all I could respond with was...
"You're not??"
My heart sank. Well it didn't sink so much as belly flop from the top diving board.
I'm telling you the truth, it felt like a splash in my chest.
I really didn't see it coming. I had completely expected her to be positive about the idea. She had previously said she wants to come to Pink Punters with me - quote "Yeah, sounds like a laugh", so by my best estimation, a night in with our friend should be a dead cert.
At least that's what I though.
I started to talk to Jen again to tell her to forget the idea, it suddenly dawned on me that this was probably serious. Was this a sign that she isn't coping? Had she been bottling up resentment? Anger? 
I began to convince myself I was over-reacting, that I was just being paranoid, but as it would transpire the next day, I was bang on the money. More on that in a minute....

Anyway, she had her sleep and I browsed the web for clothes and shoes etc. When she woke up we didn't speak about it again. I just joined her downstairs for a bit of telly and a brew before getting cleaned up and back into drab mode.
After I got cleaned up, everything on TV was CD/Trans related. It was weird, I swore it was an omen of some sort.
(If you're wondering what the shows were - A hoarder show on Channel 4 featured a hoarder who was a crossdresser (we had this recorded on the Tivo box), we saw the advert for Amazon's 'Transparent' twice, and we also watched the South Park episode 'The Cissy' where Cartman claims he is transgender (or as he kept saying - "Transginger") in order to use the girls bathroom, and Stan Marsh is revealed to be the chart topping singer Lorde facing discrimination at his job as a geologist - Fucking brilliant episode by the way :D - Highly recommend watching it even if you're not a South Park fan, anyone in anyway transgender will relate to it - Link below, just take 20 minutes after reading, it's worth it.)
                                                           South Park - The Cissy


Anyway, skip forward to the next day, I woke up, made a coffee and went to my computer to view some YouTube subscriptions. As I'm sat watching, I could hear my lady crying in the next room.
"Here it comes" I thought. I knew it was coming, despite trying to convince myself I was paranoid, here it is.

I will spare you the details, but after holding her for a while, she calmed and went for a cigarette.
It turns out she hadn't been coping at all. Bottling her feelings up. She had not been speaking to anyone about my dressing, not even me. I had assumed that she had not spoke about it because she had no current issues.
Her reason was that she was concerned that I did not wish to discuss it and therefore she did not want to upset me by bringing it up, she did not want me to feel bad about dressing again, like in the days before she knew about Samantha.
The weird thing was, I had not spoken about it because I know she has a tricky time coping, and did not want to upset her by bringing it up when she was managing things by herself - assumedly - doing just fine. (What's that classic saying about 'assume' again?....)
Each of us were so concerned over each-other's feelings that we had weighed heavy on our own emotions to save the other for some time. 
Boys and gurls - I've read it 100 times on forums and blogs, but some of us have to learn the hard way, keep that communication going. Even if it's trivial detail like asking her to pick a new top for you or asking for her opinion on a pair of shoes, just do it, don't keep it to yourself out of fear of upset, because it may allow her the importunity to vent any feelings she has been working through. You need to remember, that you are the expert, the number one information resource for your SO on the matter of cross-dressing, you need to remain open to her/him in order for it to work.

She continued to tell me that she had become uncomfortable with my mannerism changes when dressed; -The way I walk in heels, -The way I smoke my e-cig with a pout, -The way my wrists are limp when resting, -How I cross my legs thigh over thigh.
The thing was, if she had just asked me about it, she would have received reasonable explanations for all of her issues.
-Heels force a posture of tits up, ass out and keep those knees together. That's why my walk is different. If I were to clod around with a masculine gait in heels, I would first of all look ridiculous, but I'm also fairly confident I would snap my ankle.
-Cross-Dressing E-cig users will back me up here - depending on your drip-tip, they rob your lipstick from you. So I pout to keep the drip tip in contact with the inner part of my lip where there is no lippy.
-My wrists are always limp. It's a tell I have spoken about before. I try to hide it in drab, because I know it looks a bit wet. But I just don't care when I'm playing Samantha. I'm comfortable with it because it is one of my more effeminate traits.
-And the leg crossing, Aside from pencil dresses not allowing a 'legs akimbo' position while sat on the couch, it was also kinda cold. To quote my current favourite TV show "Winter's Coming", crossing your legs at the thigh helps you to keep warm, don't believe me? Try it!
 That, and it's actually quite comfy when you're sporting a good tuck.

All of this strengthening the case for communication to stay strong, regardless of what's going on. I don't think I need to reiterate this point, I'm just trying to make it easy for those of you who start to skim read at this point in a wall of text.

And then the suggestion of girls night was discussed.
She was angry at Jen. Firstly for asking me to do her make up, because that's my Mrs' hobby. And I have to give it to her, she's great with her slap. (Every time her mates come here to get ready for a night out, they ALL ask her to do theirs. She is very proud of her talents, she always looks stunning when we turn out for the night.) She felt insulted that our friend would ask a basic make-up noob and cross-dresser for a make-over when Jen has known her for years and never once asked for tips or advice
She was angry because Jen get's to be the cool, accepting, fun time friend who doesn't have a clue what it is to be in a relationship with and live with a cross-dresser. She gets to tell me I look great and pad my ego, giving me web links to clothes I might like, telling my she's jealous of my legs (Sorry, but LMAO :D), and that I should be going out looking that good.
She was angry. Lets put it that way.

All I could think to do to was help her put her anger into context, this wasn't Jen's fault, it was mine, ours, we were both to blame for lack of communication about all this.
I reminded her that Jen has known me since we were 5 years old (we lived on the same street growing up, we like the same music, hung out with the same people, went to the same places), and in 90% of those years, she's never seen me wearing make-up, but every time she see's my Mrs, my Mrs is wearing at least foundation, eye-liner and mascara.
So by comparison, when Jen see's my Mrs dolled up for a night out, it's not that different to how she normally looks, but when Jen see's me dolled up, by comparison to me in boy mode, It could be forgiven for someone thinking that I am in fact, a wizard or plastic surgeon.
Therefore making it seem that I am the oracle of make-up technique, despite my Mrs being ten times more skilled than me.

(I'm really sorry if that last paragraph took you a few reads to understand, this was a clear as I could be... Like I said... Co-codamol).
I also suggested that Jen doesn't understand because she'd never really heard my good lady's full opinion and feelings on my gender identity and presentation. Up until this, it had always been second hand information that I had relayed to Jen myself. I suggested that she speak to Jen, to try and tell her the deal, and get the added support she obviously needs.

Time had moved quickly, and I was heading out for the late shift at work.
I gave the Mrs a lift into town on my way to work. I told her again, she should contact Jen and talk to her, 
"... If it's upset you so much, tell her that she doesn't understand and why she doesn't understand. Then help her understand so that she can be an even better friend for both of us, the listening ear and support that you need, and the girl mate that I need for Samantha".
(For context, of the 3 girls that know about Samantha, 2 of them are Emma's friends, Jen is my oldest probably closest friend. If it were allowed, I'd have her for my best man at my wedding. She is cool as fuck like a guy mate, but she has tits! :D :D :D.
Emma's friends who know about Samantha are cool too, but I can't go to them like I can with Jen.)

When she got home she did just that. They chatted for an hour or two and cleared things up.
Jen seems to have a better grip on what my Mrs goes through with me she messaged me and shared her side of things with me. My wonderful wife-to-be has bounced back more accepting and supportive than ever.
She even had the epiphany that;
 It is not that my cross-dressing makes her upset, it is that there are a great many people in society who have a problem with gender variance and would express this with violence given the chance, this is what makes her upset because she worries about me, and how I would feel if someone even just said something hateful. Truth is, words have never hurt me, I was bullied a lot at school, so words are like stones to a Sherman Tank. What I actually fear is ending up in hospital because I am cross-dressed - Primarily the hospital I work at.
Her exact words were,
"I just wish that everyone could be like
'Yeah, trannys, they're alright'...
 and then I wouldn't be so upset.... You (referring to me, and I guess all cross-dressers) haven't got a problem, its other people that have the problem".

I swear I got a bit choked up when she said that.
She's always said she tolerated it from me, but giving her words deeper insight like that hammered it home. At that moment I felt so lucky to have found such an intelligent, open-minded, beautiful girl, especially knowing that many girlfriends and wives do not take it so well judging from things I read in my forums. (Side note, I tend to find the ones who are least accepting are usually the ones who are very heavily religious, citing 'God's Will' is being made a mockery of - or reasons to this effect). 


And I don't know exactly what changed her mind, but the 'girls' night is now back on the cards. Just need a night now where we are all off work and it is on!!!!
Best news ever - I get to make up my oldest mate like a tranny  and get drunk in heels - Can't wait! First every girly night (that isn't just me and my better half).
And no, there will be no chick-flicks. Were actually more likely to watch Reservoir Dogs, because we have excellent taste in films. So ner-ner :p

As chit chat was coming to a close for bed time, she did throw in this little doozy,
"I just wish sometimes you would tone it down a bit, sometimes I see your make-up and I despair...
You look like a full on drag queen sometimes. Does it always have to be so much?"

I tried to explain that I'm trying to learn and perfect techniques to cover beard shadow, glue down my eyebrows to draw on girly ones and contour my face to soften my jaw, pronounce my cheeks and narrow my nose. (I actually love drag style when it's done right, not too over the top, but you know - Well contoured, lots of colourful eye-shadow, big lashes and lips. The best example I can think of is Lady Portia from YouTube, as seen below - See looks fucking awesome, just lovely I think you will agree!)


I tried to explain, that it's not the same for genetic girls as it is for cross-dressers. Girls are only trying to enhance, while CDs and Queens are trying to conceal, reshape, pucker and enhance, like the afore mentioned plastic surgeon with a contouring brush instead of a scalpel and silicone. Sometimes it looks severe and a little bit draggy, but others, I think it's bang on the money. I did admit that I need to finish climbing this learning curve, but it's a curve that gets much steeper as you reach the apex, and it will be hit and miss for some time yet.

None the less, she insisted that I tone it down sometimes, have a casual day or two, I agreed to this, mainly for my own sake. Glueing eyebrows and contouring out any hint of your male face takes a lot of time, and time spent doing make-up is time spent not enjoying the result of my efforts. 
So today I am enjoying casual-look Samantha. Skinny jeans and a top, no heels, no glue, almost no contouring, almost no eye-shadow, false lashes, pink lippy....
Okay, okay, well... when I say casual, I mean as casual as I am comfortable with.
And by that I mean, still kinda, sort of dolled up, but instead of being turned up to 11, I've turned it down to like 7.5 maybe? 
Like, if I were a real girl I could just be going to Tesco for groceries and a new top, but I wouldn't be upset if someone were to take my picture for winning the one millionth customer prize. (God I'd love that, Tesco have some gorgeous dresses in winter).

So as I was comfortable with pictures,I took some selfies.
Had to be done really, I'm self admittedly a compliment whore.

Well, here's my 'casual' look, there's more on my Flickr.



So what's the point to all this?
Well you would be an idiot for not recognising the importance of open, honest and clear communication being demonstrated here today.
It seems obvious doesn't it? But the truth is, despite nearly 10 years together and nearly married, were still only just learning how to deal with my dressing as a part of our relationship. Compromises will be necessary and things will change as we go. 
She and I both know, Samantha is never going away, so we both need to do our best to integrate my feminine side into our lives in order to keep us both sane.
Each of our needs are very different in terms of this integration.
  I just need, I just am Samantha. I am also [male name with-held]. 
I am two people and I am one. 
I am two avatars of the same [slightly warped] mind.
As Sharon said in the South Park episode I kindly linked for you ,
"When someone's not allowed to express who they are inside, then we all lose".
(When I watched this for the first time, I got a lump in my throat. I promise you - South Park is so much more than obscenity and killing Kenny these days)

 And my good lady needs to integrate Samantha because denial and bottling up her concerns and worries made her sad, and neither of us want either of us to live like that. So it's all out on the table, in the open, it's never a bad topic.

Jen, once again has proven herself to mean more to me than I ever realised. 
She is a friend and ally.
She is the support and encouragement that I need, and she is the stern word and truth that I need even more.
She has known me longer than any other of my friends. And as we crash through 30 on our way to 40 and probable mid-life crisis (think I might build a Caterham 7 for mine),
her knowledge of me is beginning to show it's benefit. She's not too shy to take the piss when she's got a few bottles of Desperado in her belly though, so this knowledge, having all the embarrassing stories on me does  have it's down side.
I just wish I got to see her more.

Does any of this resonate with you? Do you have any advice to contribute?
Has this swayed your decision to tell your partner, or even not to tell?
Let me know in the comments below, and don't forget to follow me for more :)

Thanks for reading,
Love you all lots,
Samantha xx





Thursday 16 October 2014

Too many people only review a company when they aren't happy...

...I am not one of those people.

And so I am writing this as a reminder to you all that good business' exist, and I'm going to talk about one of them today.

So recently I had a birthday, yes I know, how can I possibly be 21 again?
Well, that secret is mine and mine to keep.
However, www.BananaShoes.com should be no secret to my CD/TV/TS brethren/sistren.
They sell shoes for girls in up to size 14 (UK) heels, boots, even some flats.
Now, as mentioned in a previous blog, I am somewhat dismayed by the lack of choice that Banana Shoes have when you get past size 8. This isn't their fault, the manufacturers just don't make them that big. And while I would love some fashionable heels in my size, I don't want to pay hundreds for them from custom sites online.
This lack of choice, while more limited than genetic girls choice, or even just tiny footed CDs choice, there is still a respectable variety of footwear to be had. They even carry a Nude patent heel - So difficult to come by in my size and they're seemingly a bit of a staple these days.

All I really need now are some affordable flats in my size.

So anyway - my shopping experience.
As I said, it was recently my birthday, so with a little spending money on hand, I decided to treat Samantha to some new stuff - Couple of dresses from Quiz Clothing 

( www.quizclothing.co.uk ), new wig from ebay (seller - koozuland) and some misc jewellery and underwear.
So of course, some shoes were very much in order, I hadn't bought a pair since my last birthday, so it had to happen really.
I'd had my eye on a plain black pair of Mary Jane style courts with a platform for a while, so I decided to get them from Banana Shoes (Here in shall be BS). I had planned to get them elsewhere, but BS had a discount for sharing on social media - So I went with that.
The exact shoe is the Pleaser Delight 687, as seen below.




So I ordered them in a size 10, knowing I'm a large 10/small 11, I kept my fingers crossed that they would fit, I opted to go small because I hate that thing where your foot slides around when you're walking round a corner in heels.
Anyway, they arrived on a monday and  they didn't fit.
Gutted.
Fortunately, BS included a stick on label for returns, so I emailed them and explained the situation and that I would reall like to have the larger size by the weekend (yes I know it's a tranny strereo-type that I dress like a woman on weekends).
The lady who replied was very helpful, and I'm pretty sure she knew she was dealing with a crossdresser, all the clues are there -Size 11, female name on my email and my male name on my credit card. And I'm sure she knows who are likely to buy from her. But even still, I can often detect when someone is being short or snide via text communication, and she was professional to the last.
She told me to send the return ASAP, and that she would post out the larger size as soon as she received the smaller size.
I posted the shoes the next day (tuesday) and sat waiting, itching to get my hooves into these gorgeous strappies.

Wouldn't you know, they turned up on the thursday and fit like a dream!!!

I promised the lady via email that I would make a positive write up on my blog to share my experience with all you lovely people who bother to read my ramblings.

So ladies, gents and all of you in between.
I say this with the preface that I have not been paid or in any way coerced into telling you

Banana Shoes is the place to look if you, like me are cursed with canoe foot.
Helpful customer service, an easy - speedy returns service, and the shoes are gorgeous too!

Side note, courts with a Mary Jane type strap are SOOOO much easier to walk in. I feel like I could run in these, they just stay on your foot - that thing that open courts seem to resist fully LOL.

Sorry it was a bit of a boring one with lack of opinionated rant this time, I really am just very happy.
Here are some pictures featuring my new shoes and my birthday haul goodies, there are more on my Flickr page https://www.flickr.com/photos/100207126@N08/






Thanks for reading, and don't forget to hit that follow button xxx



Tuesday 19 August 2014

Nailed it!

In a bid to save myself time in repeating the same thing to everyone, and possibly forever mark myself as vain and narcissistic, I present to you today my number 1 tip that will save you time like you time spent getting ready like never before.

We all love nails don't we? I mean pretty painted ones on your fingers, not the ones you hit with a hammer.
(Yes, I occasionally hit my thumb nail with a hammer, but that's a different blog.)
If you answered no to this question, please leave, the following does not concern you.

I get asked/commented on, on a fairly regular basis across various support forums and networking sites, about my nails. These days, when I'm prettied up, you will only ever see me with long colourful finger nails.
To cut and paint a fresh set of false nails every time I dress would be both time consuming and ultimately expensive. [...ain't nobody got time for that...]
So today I will share with you all, the best way for all you CDs, TVs and hell, even the TS girls and genetic girls could take something away from this. Why not? Long nails for every day use are impractical, 30 years living with short nails has taught me that much. 


Any ways....
It's not difficult to sort this out for yourself, but you will have to pick up a few items.
1- Some blank false nails and glue. Packs of 500 nails in 10 sizes are available on ebay for less than the cost of a round of drinks. They're long, so you may need to cut and file them to suit your style, but for that price, I cant complain, and it lasts me over a year because they are re-usable - more on that further along.
You will need to work out which sizes fit your finger's width best and write it down. If you can get away with a different size for each finger, you will ultimately get more full sets of nails from each pack.
Any that you don't use  - Just throw them away, you won't be needing them.
 As for the glue, you want cyanoacrylate glue for nails. I like the type that comes in a bottle with a brush like nail varnish so you can get a nice even coat of glue over your own nail before application of your falsie.


2 - A compartmented hobby box. You know the ones, you see them everywhere - dirt cheap, dead useful.
You will need at least 10 compartments in the box, extra ones are useful though.
For example, here is my one





As you can see, I have a compartment for each size of uncut, unpainted nail - Note how I have written my nail sizes on each compartment, this way when I order the same nails in future, I can just pop the right sizes into there places - no need to size up again ;)
I also have the compartments along the bottom for cut and painted nails. (T denotes thumb, I denotes index, M is middle, R is ring and L is little fingers respectively). 

Here's just a few of the thumb nails I made earlier.


I also re-use eyelashes. Trust me, this will not harm you in any way with eye infections unless you're handling your lashes with poop on your hands, and if this is the case, you have more problems than an eye infection. 

There is space at top right for my nail glues. 
Bottom right is where I keep my lash glues and nail off cuts - When you're doing your nails sat in front of the telly, you will get why I do this - it's just easier. 
And finally at the top is space for nail files, some tweezers for lash application and a micro screwdriver... more on the screwdriver later.

Okay so you're organised and you have got a blank set of nails out, cut and filed to your liking.

 "So I just glue them on and paint, right?"


Well, you could do that, but then what? Sit around waiting for them to dry? Get varnish all over your skin on your right fingers because nobody can paint with their left hand? (I'm talking to the right-handers - obv.)
Risk messing up the finish because few people are ambidextrous?

How about this?


It's my super-duper nail painting thingy board (Patent Pending LOL).
Dead easy to make. Some corrugated card board, tape, 10 plastic top thumb tacks, some blu-tac and some of your nail glue.
Fold up the card into about 3 layers, tape it together. Take your pins and apply glue to the pin itself and the plastic hilt and push it into the card and allow the glue to set.
Apply a little blob of blu-tac to each pin and you have a perfect stand to paint your nails up on.
(You can see I labelled the pins by nail size and finger for added certainty, I forget everything that isn't written down.)


Once painted, give them a few hours to dry fully before pressing them down onto your fingers - you might leave finger print marks in the varnish as it stays soft for a good few hours. I personally leave them on the pins for an hour or two, then carefully take them off, lay them out and let them dry overnight to be certain. Once one set is off the pin board I can start painting another and repeat this process. (I've painted 4 sets in one session before, but that was only to get me started with a choice of colours. Once you have a few choices, you'll only ever have to paint one or two sets at a time.)

Now you can stick em to your nails.
And they will be perfect because you didn't have to use your left hand and you didn't get any on your skin - less clean up. This pin board is also good if you want to have a crack at some nail art for yourself, gives you plenty of room for errors and you won't be stuck with them on your fingers if it goes wrong :p

Now, as I said earlier, these false nails are re-usable for as long as the false nail does not crack or break.
And here is where the screw driver comes in.

Now I'm well aware that the following passage may portray me to be some kind of brutalist who jabs screwdrivers into their nails for fun.... If you do not follow my advice with care and a steady hand.
If you don't mind only using a set of nails once, then go ahead and bathe your fingers in acetone and slowly wiggle the falsies off. Then throw the gorgeous result of your hard work away.


The screwdriver was first brought in on an occasion where acetone had failed me.
It worked so well that I stopped bothering with chemicals, and I also found that I could re-use the nails.
It needs to be a small screwdriver, flat head, 3-4mm in width.
Starting at the cuticle, slide the screwdriver just under the false nail, then stop and remove the screwdriver. You should not have to force the screwdriver, if you do, find another point on your nail where you can make the first push. Move along the cuticle and repeat, all the way along one side of the nail, then the other side.
The nail should now be loosening, it may have even come off (I find this happens sooner on smaller nails).
If the nail is not yet loose, repeat the process but push the screwdriver under the false nail, just a little further and continue.
Patience and a steady hand are the key here. If you try to rush, you will cause yourself - at least - some pain, at worst - a torn nail bed or screwdriver through your finger tip.

Once the nails are off, excess glue on your own nails can be removed with acetone, scraped off with scissors, or will eventually just chip away. I prefer scissors just to make my nail surface smooth again.

And there you have it.

Oh and this is how I do it. 

It works for me on a regular basis. 
I am not forcing you at gunpoint to do this to yourself.
If you fuck this up, then you have no legal recourse because you're doing it at your own risk (however little the risk). I am not to blame for your incompetence.
Take your time, be careful on removal and get creative with those nails!!


Any questions about things I've mentioned can be asked below and I will answer you ASAP and amend the blog if necessary.
Please don't forget to hit that follow button!


Love ya lots x


Sunday 10 August 2014

When you assume...


...You don't half come across like a complete toss pot.


And I'm not just speaking to the admirers (a term I don't like very much because it's far too polite).
I'm talking to CD's, TV's, TG's, TS's and everyone in between, because this is a mother fucking rainbow.

But for today, I'll discuss [read - Destroy] the admirers.
And before my own admirers decide I'm a horrible bitch, I will preface this with a disclaimer,
I'm not speaking about all admirers, I'm speaking of the stereotype (that if you're an admirer, even a nice admirer) that you will never know of, because admirers don't try to put their penises in other admirers.
Well, they might, but like I said, I'm not speaking for all, only the stereotype.
This could come across as a 'How to talk to TGs on-line 101', but its more than that. The internet, being a land of anonymity, its far easier for people to let go of normal social pleasantries and revert to base instinct.
You can get a good sense of a person's true self on-line - always remember that.
Trolls are the exception to this rule.

Right, 'gurlz' you know they type I'm talking about here.
The 'no face pic crew'. The men who open correspondence with 'Mmmmmm, sexy bb. Show your c**k'.
The ones who are tenderising their meat as soon as they see you.
Or if they do have a face pic, they usually wait 15 minutes before enquiring about the contents of your knickers.

I'm no language expert, however, I know that to admire someone or something is to hold them in high regards. Alternatively, it can also mean to be attracted to a particular person.
Now I'm sorry, for me, it means both at the same time i.e. Attraction and high regards, I don't think it seems right to have one definition that disregards another. You may disagree - let me know in the comments below!
At what point does 'Mmmmmm, sexy bb. Show your c**k' create the impression of high regard?
It could convey attraction if the person has no concept of social decorum, or was, in fact, a sex offender.
The notion that addressing me in such a way would convince me to masturbate for you (besides the fact that I'm happily engaged and I'm attracted to girls - Which is easily available information) is laughable, but I don't ever laugh. Every time I see words like this pop up on my screen, I cringe. I feel sad, but I never laugh.
I've seen it so many times that I've begun to disregard anyone who refers to themselves as an admirer.
Not because I've forgotten what admiration is, because of the odds that the person behind the title will be a sex pest, with no admiration for me, just another loser trying to get his kink on.

Yes, that is an assumption - that all admirers are sex pests. And that might make me a complete toss pot.
But the greater assumption was made that I was interested in performing a sexual act to a stranger. Which is fine, I can see how people assume that everyone on-line is only there to masturbate with a stranger. However, to then do no follow up research and just read my information (which would tell you that I'm unlikely to appreciate an invitation to look at your sweaty, unwashed genitals while you beat them like they wronged you.) holds no regard for me or others in TG land, never mind high regard.
They assumed that fitting into the transgender [Edit - mother fucking] rainbow means that you are also homosexual, have no standards and will swoon for any old Tom, Dick or Harry.

(Yes, I just said swoon. It seemed appropriate given the heavy use of the word Admirer today, both are words which I quite like, that are sadly declining in use)

I argue that the word 'admirer' has become inappropriate within the TG community.
It is no longer fit for purpose and needs replacing.
I suggest the term 'Letch'. Perfectly suitable. To letch upon a person - to glare with sexual intent.
Thats what the current admirers are doing. They aren't interested in who you are, not with only one hand on the keyboard they aren't. 

Personally, I think the term admirer should become a rank, a badge of honour, awarded to a person when he has proved enough times that he isn't a mere letch. When he/she has taken the time to talk and get to know a person, and even after this has not become a slime ball. Admirer, should be a term bestowed on gentlemen and scholars, a term of re-assurance that you will be able to talk to this person without negative assumptions.

If they were truly admirers in the current model, they would know that not all CDs and TVs are fetishists.
They would know that most of us are straight, and those who identify as Bisexual will often prefer those who identify/present/were born as females.
They would know how to behave like a sir.

Maybe, dear reader, you disagree. Maybe I've got it all wrong.
Maybe things are perfect as they are and I'm the one who is warped.

Let me know what you think in the comments below, and don't forget to hit that follow button!
Thanks for reading xx













Sunday 13 July 2014

Unexpected joy...

It's not every day things like this happen.


In fact its been 3 years or so since something very much like this happened.

Me and the Mrs don't really see eye to eye on the whole crossdressing deal.
Aside from the fact that she's not really into it, in that, while she does not encourage me to do it or like that I do it, she understands what it is for me to dress. She knows that this is just part of who I am and that I need this in my life...
Aside from this, we have somewhat different styles for the most part, we share the same tastes in more expensive clothes, which I don't have any of, but I still like em ;)
But for the most part she wears whatever is bang on trend, floaty pastel colours mainly, rocky edge stuff.
She's fucking cool, let's put it that way.

I on the other hand, tend to dress in very form fitting, low cut or high hemmed (never both) almost trashy but still kinda classy, sexy without showing too much kind of clothes. Leopard print and sexy office wear would sum it up quite well.
You've seen my pics ;)

Anyhow, she comes home from a shopping trip, and as normal she shows me each item in her haul.
(Turns out H&M had a sale on).
So she starts showing me all these lovely things she's bought, all of which were great.
Of course there were items I would have liked her to 'get one for me', but they were all more her style, but still very nice stuff. Then she pulls out a Sonic the Hedgehog tshirt for me, being a Sega child of the 90's I loved it, any self respecting geek (moi) would have.
Then she continues to show me her haul, item by item.
Then she pulls out a dress that was on sale in H&M, she pulled it out and my heart sank, it was exactly my kind of thing. Short, but not slutty, black mesh from shoulder to bust line, grey jersey material with black leatherette bodycon strips down the sides.

I had to get my point across and drop a hint to go out and get me one soon, so I tried my luck as hard as I could,
"They didn't have any in my size did they?" I Asked.

Her reply stunned me
"Errr, this is your size... you think I would wear something like this?"

Partially offended, but overwhelmed with gratitude and joy, the best I could muster came out...
"Thankyou so much".

She hasn't bought me any girl clothes of her own volition since she found out, that's over 3 years ago. She's bought me clothes I've asked for, or put together an outfit at my request - personal shopper style, that was nice but not really my thing. I didn't feel right in it.
To have her see something and think of me, part of me anyway, meant the absolute world.
I was beginning to think we were falling into a DADT (Don't ask, don't tell) arrangement, but I've never in 9 years with her, been so surprised at anything she has bought for me.
Especially when I didn't even hint, she just straight up went and got it, and I LOVE it.


She absolutely nailed it.

Only trouble now....
I need to one-up her surprise.
The bitch.


Updated 14/08/14
I took these photos a couple of weeks ago, but forgot to update the blog.
So just for the sake of posterity, here you go 

Don't forget to hit that follow button xx








Tuesday 24 June 2014

Crossdress every day for a year, for £1,000,000?

You might thing the answer to this would be straight forward...

Okay, a little back story for you.
A forum which I frequent recently held a topic "Would you crossdress for a year for $1,000,000",

and to a great many CDs, this seems like a dream.
Many responses to the post were "In a heartbeat" and "Where do I sign up".
But then I got thinking seriously, as I often do, about things that will never happen no matter how much I would like them to.


After a long old think about the matter, it turns out I seem to have a few reservations.
Firstly, how and when is the money paid?
Do I get it in one lump sum at the end of the year, or will it be split up into equal payments?
Or even do I get 50k to start up and then get the rest at the end of the year period?

Why so many questions about the money?
Well, let's be frank about things, there is no way in hell I could work my job crossdressed.
It just would not work, hence I would have too quit, not to worry though, I'm getting a cool mil. in one year. But what am I going to do for money for a whole year? I would need a wage for a year to pay the bills and keep living, but I would also need to but a complete wardrobe for Samantha.
Don't get me wrong, I have clothes, but not enough to get me through a year and changes of season, fashion and preference. And clothes are only half the story, there's makeup, breast forms, medical tape (for the tuck), wigs, shoes (which I've previously established - aren't cheap in my size) and accessories, then all the random crap Ive never had to buy before like a purse, handbag, coats, a brolly, sleepwear and probably a cute case for my phone.
 

You would think this money issue might just be about start up, but think about this for a minute.
You're crossdressing every day for a year. What problems can you predict just thinking about this?
Nope?

No guesses?
Nobody wants to have a stab at this?

Okay, well I don't know about you lot, but there is no way in hell that my skin could survive a daily all-over shave. Even if I could cope with the pain and irritation, my skin would soon be a mass of red, blotchy, bleeding hair follicles, and I could not cope with that. Not when I'm trying to pass for a girl all year, I'm not sure that bleeding stubble burn works with a teal lace body-con dress.
I would need laser, no questions about it, I would need it. Just to survive the year without developing scars everywhere. 

Then there's the other stuff that I haven't been privileged to on my CD journey yet, going for a manicure, because glue on nails only last for so long, but acrylics are near bullet proof!
Also, I can't laser my whole body for a reasonable price, so there would be waxing to contend with also. I'd need my ears piercing because clip-on ear rings are really only tolerable for one day, multiple days consecutively would be torture akin to an all over close shave on a daily basis.

Okay, well that's all sorted.
Ive got a year's wage plus start up money, I've taken care of all the necessities, I'm ready to do this for a year and bag myself a cool million pounds....

Not so fast Samantha, you can't hide from everyone for a whole year, you still have a fiance, your family and friends. Are they cool with this?




Oh, yeah, almost forgot about that.

Okay firstly, the Mrs. While I haven't asked her if I can dress for a year for a million quid (because I'm not actually being given such a chance), it would go one of two ways.
-The Blue Pill - The story ends. She hates the idea of not having her man around for a year, the jig is up and we continue as we are doing right now.

Or
-The red pill - We stay in Wonderland and explore how deep the rabbit hole goes. 
Her money grubbing kicks in and she knows that this will set us up for life. Buy a house, settle all our debts, only have to work part time, invest most of the money and ride that interest and take early retirement and enjoy the rest of life.

As for my friends and extended family. Well, I guess it's the perfect reason to just come out.
Only my fiance and a handful of female friends know about Samantha.
And while coming out to everyone has often been thought about, it's never needed to happen.
But now I'm living CD for 365 days, so I guess it's time to find out who is really my friend, find out who really loves me. There may be a few people I never see again, but to be fair, it would hardly be a loss to know that the people who remain will likely be around me forever.

Just as long as I don't mention that I'll be getting a million quid for it, because they might just turn out to be leaches, and I'd rather have nobody in my life than 3 dozen cash whores.
So there you have it, the perfect reason to come out, to live forever free of worry and lies.

Right, so that settles it, you're going to present as a girl for a whole year with no cheating and taking a day off?

Well, there is just one thing actually...
Dressing like and making yourself look something like a woman is hard work.
Not as easy as throwing your clothes on, brush your teeth and out the door, there is an entire routine required in getting ready, even just to go to Asda.
There is undeniably a huge amount of pressure on women to look their best at all times, and I couldn't skip the makeup because I just don't have the skin for it, I'm just not that lucky.
If I am presenting to the world as a girl, I would have to be giving 100% of my effort to passing or blending in. At 6'6" a challenge greater than most CD's would face.
Eventually, with or without makeup, I'm going to get read. I'm going to get double takes in shops, I'm going to get abuse yelled at me from passing cars, I may even be assaulted or worse.
Intolerance is, unfortunately, alive and well. While getting out would be flying the flag for CD's everywhere, raising awareness and hopefully changing views and opinions, it would also be fraught with dangers.

But you know what, all of this sound's a lot easier when you dangle that £1,000,000 carrot in front of the CD mule.
I know non-CDing males who would accept the challenge!

What do you guys think?
Swap your presenting gender for a year for £1,000,000?

I would do all of that in a fraction of a heartbeat!

Let me know what you think in the comments below, and don't forget to hit that follow button xxx







Thursday 19 June 2014

Finally - Release

I didn't like that one bit.



Its been exactly 1 month and 5 days since Samantha came out to strut her stuff.  

But this is without doubt the best I've felt while dressed in a good while.
This is not to say that it's always mundane, quite the contrary, otherwise would I really spend 2 hours on makeup to just sit around the house and talk to people online?
Me thinks not.

However today, just seems like, extra special or something, like it's an occasion to be savored - and I'm savoring it.
I finally got rid of all that disgusting body hair stubble that's been plaguing me for weeks.
I could have shaved it before now, but, I dunno, there's something about it that just helps to get the femme feelings into gear.
I took some pics of myself in a dress I got from Matalan in the January sales, but just neve got round to picture taking until today. I really like it, kind of office-wear, but still kinda glam, what to you think? 

 





I used a time-lapse/continuous shot app on my phone, there's more images on my flickr

I also started up a Pintrest account. I seriously can not believe I overlooked this for so long!
Its awesome, its like having all your browser bookmarks for individual items on the web, but with pictures :D
I love it, so far its all shoes, nails and eye makeup, but It's my first day.
Feel free to add me and suggest some cool stuff - large size heels, dresses, wigs, makeup, nails, tutorials, you name it, if it's not links to porn or sex toys I'll probably give it the once over.


But that's it really, Ive just been sat here again, all dressed up an nowhere to go, as my good friends Jen said to me.
I'm not sure if it's the time away or just feeling that I'm long overdue, but I'm dying to get out for a night out as Samantha. Maybe hit Canal Street, or take a trip down to Pink Punters?
Either way, I gotta get out of this house, I need to feel like I'm not a freak, I need a wider acceptance today. Again, I really have no idea where this is coming from. The start of a foggy patch?
Not too sure yet.

One thing is sure though...
I'm back!


If you don't want to miss me next time - hit that follow button!
xxx





Monday 9 June 2014

Balancing Acts

This is the worst part about crossdressing.
On the 14th of June, it will be 4 weeks since I last got pretty. I checked my flickR - the 14th of may was my last upload. And it was also the date of my 'call to arms' blog piece which isn't going very well either... But that's really another matter.
My body hair is longer than it's been in some time and all my brain can think of when I have a spare hour is, 

"Should I get dressed?"

But for an hour? What's the point really? My makeup takes longer than that!

"But why not dress without makeup?"


Really? I must say brain, you don't know me very well do you?
These urges are powerful, more so than I, or my brain ever reckoned with. 

[I believe this is commonly referred to as the 'Pink Fog'.]
 Everything triggers the thoughts of dressing up. Walking past clothes shops, seeing a well dressed female in the street (wanting to wear what they are), makeup adverts on telly, the smell of perfume left behind in a corridor when you're walking 10 feet behind a girl who's wearing 'too much' -which too me is 'just enough' :). 
[The pink fog sets in thick and fast and doesn't disperse until I've dressed for a sufficient period of time.  Fortunately, I haven't spent any money during this one.]

See this is the hardest thing about CDing for me.
Striking the balance.

It's all very well and good to decide to pour all of your time and energy into perfecting your femme appearance. But at what cost?
Personally, and I do not say this to brag, but I have a life.
Granted, not much of one with the crazy hours I work, but none-the-less I have a fiance,  friends and family who I like to visit with my Mrs. All of whom I would miss and would miss me if all I did was dress like a girl all the time.


In case I've lost you, my personal perception of balance is;
 - I shave my upper body, so my boobs and underarms aren't hairy in a revealing top. But I don't shave my legs because summer demands shorts, and I just don't want the questioning that comes with being a 31 year old man with silky smooth legs.
And I don't cycle or swim :D

That's a personal one, one of balance of appearance, and you may have your own examples of personal 'balance issues', leave me a comment below about yours if you don't mind sharing. I always try to reply to any comments or questions, so don't be shy.


Moving away from personal balance issues, in my world view, there are 3 major universal balance issues that the average duality bound CDer will face.
Time, energy and money.

To me time and energy are linked because the more time elapses, the more energy is expended just by being awake. Because of this I will discuss them as if they are basically the same.

For me, unsocial hours and a full working week which leaves me 2 full days to myself is a killer. 2 days sounds great but if I am needed to be around as my guy self, then there are obstacles. As I said, I have a fiance, my family, friends and other commitments that require percentages of my time. That can easily take up 3 days, never mind 2.
So fitting in time when I have nothing else to do is a hit and miss affair.
Then there's the time and energy spent in learning how to  use makeup or put an outfit together. Then theres the time spent on taping a good tuck or cleavage or both, applying the make up, lashes, nails, clothes, jewelery, wig, perfume. Remembering how to walk in heels (made more difficult by periods without dressing), relearning how to type with long nails.
On average, it takes me 2 or 2.5 hours to get myself to a standard I deem acceptable.
I only ever dress when I can make myself photo-ready, and this takes a lot of time.
Then the time spent en-femme. There is no way in hell I spend that much time on getting ready to enjoy 20 minutes dressed. So I dress for the whole damn day, and when possible, the night too. The longer the better. But that's not always possible.
Because life needs balance, if I did this every time I had a day to myself, my life would fall apart. Because a day spent dressing up at home is a day that I haven't spent with a loved one (Barring the 4 people who know about Samantha).
Time spent dressing is time not spent at a party, a day at the beach, a trip to a friends house, doing the gardening, getting the groceries or any of the other random stuff I do day to day.
I get 2 days a week to do with as I please. There are only so many hours to make use of, so how do you keep the 2 sides of your gender satisfied?

Money.
You love it when you have it and hate it when you don't.
It doesn't buy happiness but it can sure pay the rent.
All of this you know, but the money factor goes further than the basic need to buy 2 wardrobes, and it makes money and time intrinsically linked.
I mean sure, you do  need to buy clothing for 2 people, one of them adores clothes, shoes, jewelery, fragrances, makeup and all the trappings that are primarily CD exclusive, wigs, forms, shape-wear, medical tape ;)

The other person likes a t-shirt and jeans with chunky skate shoes.
Who do you think will get the most money spent on them?

But it can't go totally one sided, people would begin to notice your decline in appearance.
So you have to balance that one out.
Even if the man wins and get that awesome Minecraft t-shirt, you know full well the girl will want the same design in the women's cut shirt.
Literally buying for two.

Then there are times of power struggle. The man wants that awesome new AIO Liquid cooler for his gaming PC, but the girl wants that cute bodycon dress and some new heels to match.
How do you sort this one out? - Pray to god your mind isn't in the pink fog when you need to decide.
Okay, so you need money to crossdress.
But what about lots of money. I'm talking Bill Gates rich.
You don't need to work anymore, AND you have more cash than you can actually spend.
Suddenly you don't have the problem with time balance anymore because you have all the time in the world.
You can buy whatever expensive clothes, high quality makeup, designer shoes, realistic breast forms etc you want.
You can buy the most bad-ass gaming PC, awesome cars, boutique music equipment.
But then how do you split your time up?
Would it even matter to you at this point?
You can go where-ever you like, and be whoever you want.
...Up to a point, because you still have your life to work out. You have people who need you and care about you.


Does this mean the real work is balancing people and not resources?



Let me hear what you think in the comments below, and don't forget to follow me!

Love ya lots
Samantha xxx